


Stuck on you

by Jack_andthestalk



Category: Outlander & Related Fandoms, Outlander (TV), Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon, outl
Genre: Alternate Universe - Outlander Fusion, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-04
Updated: 2019-01-03
Packaged: 2019-07-25 06:40:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 54,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16192154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jack_andthestalk/pseuds/Jack_andthestalk
Summary: Jamie and Claire had a relationship in University. Fast forward two years they are no longer together but run into each other again so we learn a little of what went wrong and why they have found themselves back in each others lives.





	1. Always On My Mind.

Chapter 1 . Always on my mind. 

Breakups are a messy, hurtful, complicated experience. No matter the reason for the breakup it is almost an impossibility to remain cordial by the end. If you are hurting the only thing that seems possible is time and distance.

That is exactly what I sought after him, wide expanse of space and distance, I didn’t have to look at his face and feel my heart break all over again. I didn’t want to see or speak to him, it was the only way I could stop myself falling apart. If I didn’t see him it helped.

Two years after I promised myself that very thing, I met his gaze across a crowded tube, his red hair caught my eye first and I absently thought will I ever be able to look at red hair again and not get an ache in my heart, or a flashback in my mind of it tickling my naked breasts, heat to pooling in my belly as it trailed down and settled between my thighs. I looked away quickly, berating myself for allowing it to take up mind space and distracted myself with my Spotify list. Scrolling through my playlist choosing an upbeat song to stop the melancholy taking hold…or even better a fight song. 

It wasn’t until I felt someone’s eyes on me, that I realised it wasn’t just red hair, the red hair was attached to Jamie and he had just met my gaze.

I quickly looked away, my heart was beating too fast, palms sweating, my body tingling with anxiety. I had to get away, get off the tube. He was moving, out of the corner of my eye trying to move through the crowds, squeezing, pressing and using his broad shoulders to create a path, a path that led to me. 

I instinctively jumped out at the next stop, before he had time to reach me. I was miles away from where I needed to be but at least away from him, and away from the panic building up in my chest. 

I was running along the platform, my face burning and my heart painfully beating in my chest, trying to work out which bus I needed to get on, to put me back on track. His deep Scottish burr was calling my name “Claire”, he had gotten off at the same stop. Damn. 

I just kept going, pretending I didn’t hear. He persisted, “Claire…wait…Claire” and then there it was his electric touch on my shoulder, halting me.

Oh god!

I turned full circle to face him, my hair sweeping around my face, from the cold London air blowing in from the platform exit.

“Claire” he said breathlessly, halting in his tracks. 

“Jamie” I said a small smile hitting my face for a minute before I caught it and pressed my lips together instead.

“I saw ye on the tube and I…. was calling ye”

“Oh I am sorry…I didn’t hear” Liar Lair pants on fire, literally.

“Its good to see ye…you look ….god you look good” he repeated softly. 

“You too” I said bobbing my head towards him “how are you?”

“Good…good…I moved to London a few weeks ago….” 

“Oh”

“…well that will be a change” I stared at my feet for a second, to compose myself. 

Why here you bastard?

I couldn’t stand with him anymore, just looking at him hurt, remembering how I had every line on his face memorised, the particular shade of his eyes or the way his mouth opened agape slightly when he was aroused. The intimate way I knew him was etched in my heart, and my heart hurt. My mouth was going dry and I knew there was a tremble in my voice.

“listen I am sorry, I have to go…I am late….work” I trailed off.

He swallowed.

“Would ye meet me for a coffee…I mean now that we are in the same city…?”

His eyes looked so hopeful, pleading almost.

“mm…I really can’t Jamie…I…you know …with work and everything…” It sounded lame I knew, it wasn’t in my nature to lie.

“I just can’t, I am sorry.” I finished honestly.

He nodded “I see.”

Did he?

A sudden cold breeze blew in from the exit, spilling my hair about my face. 

I realised to my horror that his hand was rising slowly to push a stray curl away. My hand shot up suddenly beating him to it. His hand hovered near my face, before he reluctantly dropped it.

“mind yourself” I said softly.

“Claire….”

I edged backwards, “I have to go, Bye then Jamie”

I lifted my hand meekly and rushed towards the exit. Waiting until I was out of sight before I fell up against a street light. A lump so big in my throat, I was sure I would suffocate. 

I had being doing so well. Why did I have to meet him. My phone was buzzing in my pocket, a text.

Cathal : you left your laptop here babe, want me to drop it by the hospital? 

God no! I couldn’t face seeing him right now.

Claire: No thanks! I won’t need it…see you tomorrow night? X

Cathal: mmm can’t wait. 

_______________________________________________________________

Jamie.

He watched her run away, run from him. 

There wasn’t a day since she left, that he hadn’t conjured her face to his mind. But he hadn’t done near enough, one glance at her reprimanded his imagination for doing a poor job. He had forgotten the true extent of her, how one look at her would make his heart beat like a loon and his body hum.

He followed her, watched her lean up against a wall, her head fell back. She retrieved her phone and started texting. God he wanted to know who was she talking to, her brows crinkled, he knew it, she was trying to think what to say. A lie never came easy to her, her face told the truth no matter what. Her face told him the truth always. 

He had seen it in her face just now, an urgency to get away and something inside him broke, when he realised she couldn’t bear to even look at him. 

Was he mad to come?


	2. The Fox

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie starts a new job and learns more about Cathal.

Gellis was watching me cautiously; we were walking out of the hospital after a long shift that left me bone weary tired, ears buzzing and eyes stinging from the dry hospital air.

I wasn't in the humor to be treated like her prey, spluttering out "Wot! Is there something on my face?" 

She raised her eyebrows "yer a tad testy for one, but there is something else off with ye that I just canna put my finger on...." she looked me over.

Eventually she gasped "Fuck are ye pregnant?"

"NO!" I almost yelped, "what is wrong with you? Off course I am not pregnant! Are you saying I have gotten fat!"

"nay" she replied suspiciously, tapping her index finger against her chin in contemplation. 

"there isna a pick on ye...but ye have dark circles under yer eyes and yer fierce quiet...a bird has eaten more than ye the past few days..."

"well I’m not...I just had something on my mind that has taken me over a little" my voice had gone almost hoarse, I knew Gellis wouldn't leave it at that but my mind couldn’t conjure up a fake story.

"mmm" she mused, "last time I seen ye like this was over the red fox"

We don't talk about that.

I didn't answer but just the mention of his name made my cheeks fuse red.

"Christ it’s him!" she stammered.

"What has happened and dinna tell me nothing, cause I ken full well he is involved."  
I sighed deeply knowing that there would be no avoiding her prying eyes once she was on a scent.

"I bumped into him on the tube, a few days ago"

"and" she pressed. 

"and we spoke briefly, he told me he has moved to London and that is it really"

"well well well… in all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, he walks into yers......i dinna believe it for a minute"

I narrowed my eyes "don't be daft Gellis, it isn't my town...he didn’t come here because of me"

"oh aye he did", she said smiling and nodding “he fucking did!”  
Her voice almost took on a mythical quality when she whispered "he wants ye back Claire, I always told ye...I saw the way he looked at ye."  
　  
"Well" I said flatly "I am sure he has looked at others just the same"

"No he hasn't" she said with certainty "ye were soul mates whether ye believe it or no...I ken he fucked up...but there is only you for him Claire"  
　  
My stomach flipped, she was just trying to make me feel better. 

"God you are quite the philosopher this evening aren't you, Cmon!" I tugged her arm out the door and into the cold London evening. 

We stood in the entryway, rubbing our forearms, trying to shield ourselves from the icy air, I heard Mary Hawkins’s voice calling through the automatic doors   
“Claire…Gellis hold up, I have to introduce you both…” before I had time to turn my head she was at my side “a new physiotherapist joined the team today…” I lifted my head to smile at her. “This is Jamie…he…will be working...” her voice just became a buzzing sound in my ears as I looked beyond her and saw “Jamie standing tall at her shoulder, a shy smile upon his face. That Prick!  
Before Mary could continue with her introduction Gellis cut across her…”Ach we ken James Fraser well Mary dinna trouble yerself with introductions.” Gellis moved quickly squaring up to Jamie, “and imagine meeting ye here wee fox mmm?”  
Jamie swallowed, a red crimson burning up his cheeks. He knew there was no telling what Gellis would do or more worryingly say. Mary unaware of the tension building just smiled “oh of course Scotland” looking from Jamie to Gellis, thinking their Scottish roots was the common ground.”

“Claire” Mary continued “have you met” her hand out indicating Jamie, Before I had time to reply Jamie took a step back from Gellis, made an attempt at an apologetic smile to me and said “Claire kens me Mary, thank ye”.  
Mary looked from Jamie to me now “Oh I see…well then at least you will have friends at the hospital….” Jamie just stood stock still taking me in, without moving to look at Mary, eyes intent on mine “aye, we go way back.”

Silence descended upon us and Gellis cleared her throat, “Well then Jaaamie…what brought ye to London?”   
“A change” he replied gruffly not meeting her eye. “hmm” she snorted “I’d say that!”  
I felt a large arm wrap around my shoulders. Cathal  
“Hey Babe…sorry I’m late.” Oh God!  
Gellis face lit up with mischief “Ach Cathal there ye are now…have ye met Jamie…a new Physio in the hospital”  
Cathal put out a friendly hand to Jamie he matched him in height and build, his arm swung casually to meet Jamie’s.  
“Pleasure mate…hope these ladies don’t give you too much grief.” I felt bile rise in my throat.   
Jamie’s eyes narrowed slightly “dinna worry mate…” Jamie’s pronunciation of mate stilted, mocking.   
…I have kent these ladies along time…I know their tricks” Jamie finished.   
I bit my bottom lip, looking to the ground. Trying to silence the buzzing in my mind.  
“Oh right cool, how do you know each other?” Cathal was playing absently with my finger tips, holding them up to his chest. I saw Jamie’s eyes linger on the motion, then look away.   
Gellis opened her mouth to respond, I beat her to it.  
“Jamie is an old friend from University” I croaked out.  
I saw Jamie’s jaw flinch. I denied him, denied what he was to me. Tried to pretend I didn’t once know him under the most intimate of terms.   
“Oh cool, bet you could tell a few tales Jamie, wha” Cathal joked. It was lost on Jamie who had lowered his gaze so that he was stuffing his chin under his coat, in an attempt to keep warm.

His wounded eyes met mine under his lashes, only a second and I looked away.  
I brushed it off, I owed him nothing, what the hell was he doing working at this hospital anyway. I could hear Cathal chat with Gellis, but it was just background noise I really wasn’t aware of anything but Jamie’s body language, which I knew or at least used to know by heart.  
“God its cold” I said to no one in particular. “Lets go Cathal hmm?”  
I nodded to Gellis and Mary.  
Cathal tucked me into his chest, his hand rubbing my shoulder blade over my coat. 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Gellis POV

 

I almost felt sorry for the wee fox, I thought for a minute he was going to fall to his knees after Claire walked away, but he gathered a semblance of composure, bid Mary goodbye, turning to me and looked me square in the eye.   
“who is he Gellis?”

“I think I introduced ye…did I not my little red fox or were ye no listening”  
He bristled but didn’t back down.  
“His name is Cathal” I said reluctantly, “He is a firefighter…a good guy” He kicked something invisible with the tip of his foot and I saw him swallow hard.  
“is she happy?”  
“aye” I said honestly “she is……now”  
His head nodded but I thought he was incapable of speech. “it took a long time Jamie” I offered feeling I needed to offer more, had to be fair to the lad he should at least ken the truth of it.  
“Why are ye here?” I asked.  
“I had to” he said simply.  
“For god sake man ya ken this is yer own doing” I pleaded, I couldn’t bear to look at the brokenness in him.  
“Aye…I ken” he said in almost a whisper and walked away.  
“Come see me tomorrow Fox”, I shouted after him, “il show ye around”   
He didn’t look back.


	3. Rose

It had been two weeks since Jamie started in the hospital and for the main part I had mostly managed to avoid him. To be fair to him, which I rarely was, he didn’t go out of his way to interact and I suppose I was as grateful as I could be. 

I was still very much affected by his resurgence in my life. At night I imaged him a flat somewhere in Londodn, maybe in bed, maybe in bed with someone. It caused a lump to form in my throat, my palms to grow sweaty and my stomach to ache. I overdid it on wine, exercise and work to try and rid my mind of him.

I caught glimpses of Jamie throughout the hospital, and found myself watching as his strong biceps flexed while he was dealing with a patient or the way he rucked his hand through his hair when he was concentrating. It caused searing memories of our life together to come flooding back, by the very nature of cause and effect, every time I found myself longing for him, I deliberately called up the memory of his betrayal to my mind so I would not slip any further into weakness. But that in itself was so painful, the cycle of longing, then hate and eventually if I was lucky emptiness again. 

My first year as a resident meant that I was rotated through different wards on a bi monthly basis, my new ward was Geriatrics and I had an inkling avoiding Jamie was going to become more difficult, mainly because physiotherapists were used on this ward more than most. Every time I filled out a referral or paged a physio my heart would beat erratically until they arrived, but Jamie never came and my heart would slow to a normal beat again.

I had almost got complacent, imagining that Jamie no more wanted to work with me than I did with him and therefor would stay clear of my patients. But as the saying goes when you are least expecting it…

The patient was a 93 year old lady, called Rose who was adorable, determined and fully Scottish. She was no bigger than 4 ft and weighed about as much as a kitten She had come in for a fracture, after falling out of bed, but was now well on the road to recovery,. I needed to liaise with a physiotherapist to draw up a programme for her recovery. I was standing at the bottom of her bed, trying to explain to her for the umpteen time why she wasn’t getting discharged, when I heard her say “ach there is my little Viking warrior now…” my heart leapt but I kept my head bent scribbling something on her chart. 

Jamie’s cheerful voice saying “morning Rose, how are ye today?”

“Ach all the better for seeing you!” I swore I caught her fluttering her eyelashes at him but I smiled into my chart instead so she wouldn’t notice. 

“Have ye met the lovely Claire?” Rose asked eyes full of devilment.

“Aye” Jamie said softly. 

I gathered my strength, dropped the pen, and turned to Jamie. 

“I have included results from Rose’s last MRI, she is healing well but I am conscious that she isn’t that mobile at the moment and I don’t want ulcers becoming an issue if she hasn’t adequate circulation.”

Jamie listened attentively “aye well we will start with some light exercises, nothing too strenuous mind Rose, I dinna want ye at the messing ye were up to last week” Jamie scolded.

Rose dismissed him with a wave of her hand, “ach dinna be making a fuss Jamie, I told ye I wouldna do it again”

Jamie raised one eyebrow at me “Rose has been trying to get out of bed at night on her own havn’t ye!”

“Rose…you can’t be doing that now c’mon we had a deal!” I admonished.

Rose had the decency to look abashed, “What is this deal then?” Jamie asked sounding interested. “Weeel Claire said she would speak to community services about getting me support, so I can go home, if I behave and let meself heal proper first” Rose explained like a scolded child.

“Rose if ye fall again, we willna be able to get ye home!” Jamie gave her a glare. “now the deal is, if ye do what Claire says and let yerself heal, I will help ye practice getting in and out of bed to use the bed pan” Rose’s face lit up, “But” he continued, “if ye are messing, Claire willna recommend ye get home and how can I visit Percy if ye are no there to let me in!”

“who is Percy?” curiosity getting the better of me, I turned to ask Jamie forgetting my pledge not to look at him.

“Rose’s cat” Jamie replied a little pinkness rising in his cheeks. I smirked “oh I see and you want to visit him do you?” Jamie gave me a withering look. “Aye” he said quietly. 

“You can come too Claire!” Rose offered. “come along with Jamie.”

Before I realised what I was agreeing to I quipped “only if you stop trying to sneak out of bed!”

Rose nodded happily.

“Dinna get on the wrong side of her Rose, she has a wicked temper” Jamie teased, my head snapped up and he looked slightly amused. “a right bonnie temper” he muttered to himself.

And so it went, most days at some point I would see Jamie around Rose’s bed for an update on her progress, or a joint scolding if she had been up to her usual shenanigans. It was fine, not as difficult as I would have envisaged working with him, in honesty it was better than fine. I had forgotten that side of Jamie, the dedicated, caring side. It was one of the first things that attracted me to him. When he was studying to be a physiotherapist, he submerged himself in it completely. He loved 

through physical exercise and therapy he could help people get better. It had started through his own use of physiotherapy when playing rugby, he knew from personal experience the benefits. But after his brother was killed he lost that hunger, he lost the appetite for everything then, I suppose that included me. If anything I was glad to see he went back to it, finished his postgrad, he had been in his final year when I left.

It was a week later, as I was approaching Rose’s bed that I heard Jamie through gritted teeth tell Rose “if Claire hears about this Rose there is gonna be a strammish I tell ye”

“If Claire hears wot?” I interrupted, surprising them both. Rose gave Jamie a warning look and Jamie muttered “nothing” and continued rotating Rose’s leg. 

“there is something”, I persisted “tell me?” I allowed my imploring eyes to do their work, it had always worked on him in the past.

It only took a second before he blurted out “Rose has a hip flask in her locker and she has been going at it.”

“Rose!” I said in my most scandalized voice.

Rose rolled her eyes at Jamie, “Christ lad have ye no backbone or is it ye just canna say no to her?” she chided, shaking her head. “And I can tell ye now Claire if ye take it from me I shall die in my sleep, I have had a wee dram since I was 16 every night and it has gotten me to the ripe old age of 93, I dinna intend on stopping now” she said determinedly.

“Is that why you were trying to get out of bed?” I asked, “to reach the hip flask?”

She gave a shamed little nod. I was about to scold her again but I realised it was pointless. Rose was quite right, she was 93 and a swig or two of whiskey wasn’t going to kill her, but the getting out of bed would.

 

“mmm” I mused “ok, well how about we change where you put it so you don’t have to risk breaking anymore limbs to reach it?”

Jamie’s head snapped up, and he raised one eyebrow at me in question. I nodded at him reassuringly. We rearranged Rose’s bed a little and found a cloth bag that could hang from her headboard and store the hip flask. When we were finished I whispered conspiratorially to Rose about being discreet. She took my hand and nodded appreciatively. “yer a beauty inside and out” Rose said fondly patting my hand. Then looked at Jamie, “Ye should take her out on a date lad, nay point in ye looking at her with pining eyes if ye dinna do anything about it” Jamie’s eyebrows shot to his hair line and his mouth hung open agape trying to form an answer but he had second thoughts and shut it again just as quick. I turned and looked at him demurely through my lashes, promising I would be back later to check on Rose I put a little sway into my step and walked away.


	4. Flatmates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rupert is stressed and Claire is checkmate.

Rupert was hovering over me as I lay on the couch flicking through stations, “Rupert either spit it out or sit the fuck down”, I said sighing, “you’re making me dizzy”

“I have to tell Jamie ye live with me” he spat out, eyes slightly wide in anticipation of my answer. He was rubbing the back of his neck profusely, a stressed look on his face.

I just glared at him, so he continued “I ken ye are cross I dinna tell ye he was moving here but I couldna and it wouldna change the outcome anywhoo….But I canna go on avoiding him calling here and…” my eyes were narrowing now, my mouth forming a pout, “he is my kinsman Claire.”

“don’t start that Scottish bullshit with me Rupert Mc Kenzie, he is your bloody cousin not your kinsman and you didn’t worry about living with me before now, I presume he was your kinsman then? Hmmm?” 

“Aye but then he was safely tucked away in Edinburgh and I dinna think he would have cause to be visiting me here!” Rupert said pleadingly.

 

“Claire I am begging ye…my nerves are shot …he is only living down the bloody street…I canna hide it!”

 

 

“Rupert,” I said rolling my eyes “the way you are going on you swear we were having an illicit affair!”

 

 

“Claire,” Rupert answered warningly, through gritted teeth “When Jamie finds out ye are my flatmate for well on nearly two years, we may as well have been having an illicit affair, aye?”

 

 

“don’t be ridiculous” I said sternly “Jamie doesn’t care who I live with.”

 

 

Rupert’s tone was verging on exasperation “Aye he does and given that he has pestered Jenny about yer whereabouts and wellbeing since ye left Edinburgh and I dinna speak up, I would imagine he will see it as a bit of a betrayal, aye?” his voice became softer then “Claire I ken we agreed, we would nay speak of him but he is hard to ignore the man when he is on yer doorstep, hmm?

 

“Rupert this is my home, I really don’t feel comfortable having him call here?” my voice was honest now, suddenly a pain ripped across my chest, I had gone from promising myself not to see Jamie again, to now working with him and now it appeared I would be needing to allow him admittance into my home, the place that had, along with Rupert’s friendship provided salvation, when Jamie had broken me. 

 

 

“Rupert maybe we will have to rethink this living together thing…I don’t want to put you in an awkward situation but I really don’t feel comfortable…”

 

 

Rupert sighed and sat on the couch putting his big soft hand over mine. “Claire please dinna start that talk, yer not moving and I’m not moving…we have a good thing here me and you…aye?” 

 

I nodded. I could feel a lump forming in my throat. “Ye said ye have moved on aye? Ya have Cathal? He said softly, “There should be no reason to avoid him…if that is the truth of it Claire?…. but is it the truth?”

 

 

He had me, checkmate. If I pursued with banning Jamie from the apartment then it would look like I was living in the past, harboring a deep grudge, which I absolutely was but I was damned if I would show it.”

 

 

“Fine” I said crossing my arms. But give me warning if he is coming over right?”

 

 

“Oh aye off course” Rupert sat up, relief washing over his face. He rubbed his round tummy, “thank fuck for that, I havna been able to eat a thing all morning, stressing” rolling his R’s dramatically. He wriggled his eyebrows “I will make us some lunch aye and ye can tell me what shirt I need to wear if I am gonna pull tonight” with that he clapped his hands, rubbing them together gleefully and fled for the direction of the kitchen.

 

 

 

 

 

As it turned out it was over a week before Jamie deemed it appropriate to cross my threshold, Rupert was running late from a date that turned into a sleepover and had asked Jamie to meet him at our apartment before they headed to the gym. 

 

 

Rupert the little weasel had failed on his promise to pre warn me and I answered the door in my pyjama shorts and vest stop, thinking it was Rupert forgetting his key yet again and waking me while I was trying to sleep off a night shift. I all but growled “I’m going to fucking kill you” when I opened the door to see Jamie’s astonished face looking back at me. He opened his mouth to speak and closed it again, eventually settling on 

 

 

“Christ Claire I dinna mean to wake ye…Rupert told me to meet him…” he looked absolutely terrified, I couldn’t help but feel sorry. 

 

 

“no im …I mean I thought you were Rupert, its ok…” We stood there in the doorway for a minute, I don’t know what Jamie was thinking but I was stood stock still trying to work how Jamie had become such a stranger to me, yet when I opened the door and saw him my heart all but leapt from my chest.

 

 

I realised we had stood looking at each other for way to long so I opened the door slightly and said “you had better come in?” 

 

 

He hesitantly took a step forward but once inside I could see his eyes roam the apartment probably looking for evidence of how Rupert and I welded our very different lives together.

 

 

“Im really sorry again Claire…I could kill Rupert…he …well to tell ye the truth I think he was afraid of us first meeting like this so…it looks like he is knowingly running late”

 

 

I grinned without thinking, “he has been a tad nervous about telling you” I agreed giggling. 

 

 

He looked heavenward “Nervous!” he repeated incredulously “I canna believe the bastard kept it from me for near on two years…normally he canna hold his own pish” he snorted.

 

 

I bit my bottom lip trying to still the laughter building, remembering Rupert’s nervous dance broaching the subject. “Well he was fairly afraid; he likened it to an illicit affair” 

 

 

Jamie just roared laughing and said “he should be so lucky”

 

The words were out before he realised and we sobered quickly, silence overcoming us again, “Do you want a coffee…I mean while you wait?”

 

 

“aye that would be great” Jamie replied smiling. 

 

I busied myself in the kitchen with my percolator coffee pot, the aroma of coffee billowed through the apartment and I eventually carried two mugs and the pot out to Jamie, he was standing on our veranda.

 

 

“oh god arnt you freezing?” I asked, placing down the mugs and coffee pot. 

 

“I dinna feel the cold much” , he raked his hand through his hair, he looked like he wanted to crawl out of his own skin, clearly he was finding being in my home as difficult as I was having him there. I handed him a mug and leaned up against the balcony railings letting the breeze take my hair away from my face. 

 

 

I looked up to find Jamie studying me carefully, “yer hair got so long” he blurted out.

 

I reached self consciously to it, a blush spreading across my face. “Oh ya…I cut it for Bosnia” (he knew that, he had raked his fingers through it when I came home with it cut into a short bob ‘mo nighean donn ye look so different” then while nibbling my ear whispered “I must take ye to bed immediately to make sure I ken this strange woman” I could still recall feeling his smile against my neck, as he bit down softly on the delicate skin there. Calling it to mind caused my stomach to tighten in pleasure, suddenly aware that I was biting my bottom lip at the memory, I cleared my throat and said “so after you know I just let it grow”

He swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat and whispered “its bonnie Claire”

 

 

My eyes shifted to the side, to avoid his gaze, persistent and intense, “What made you move to London?” I blurted out regretting it instantly, his mouth opened but no words came out, when he spoke again it wasn’t to answer my question “Claire I ken ye dinna really want to see me…”

 

“Jamie” I interrupted but he raised a finger to indicate he wanted to finish, “Even when I met ye in the tube ye couldna wait to get away…so I ken this isna easy”

 

 

Isnt easy doesn’t come close, I thought.

 

“Jamie” I said exasperatedly “look its not that I don’t want to see you…but I didn’t see the point really?” 

 

I nibbled my bottom lip, trying to conjure up words so that he needn’t flatter himself thinking he had the power to hurt me. “When I left Edinburgh I had no intention of maintaining a friendship with you…so why would I meet you for coffee…to talk about old times? Or to find out what were both up to now? Because that’s what old friends do…” I trailed off. 

 

 

His eyes were like a lie detector watching me as my fingers curled around a loose strand of hair. “That isna what I meant Claire…I just met if by me coming here I have upset ye or…”

 

 

“Oh for gods sake” all graciousness gone from my voice, I rolled my eyes “Jamie please don’t flatter yourself any further, I have moved on with my life…just because I don’t want to see you doesn’t mean I am still in love with you” I spat out.

 

 

He looked like I visibly struck him and I lamented in my head for being so brutal, lying to save honour. He had degraded me enough by his betrayal with her, I was not going to allow him to do that again, ever.

 

He looked at the ground and when he looked up again, his eyes shone with moisture, I wasn’t sure if it was from the cold air or something else. 

“I would never assume such a privilege Claire” he said softly. 

 

He moved forward suddenly bridging the gap between, his hand rose slowly, and for a minute I flinched, tilting my head back slightly, he ghosted his hand over my cheek following down the line of my jaw.

“I was stupid enough to take yer love for granted once before, I would never make that mistake again” his hand dropped suddenly and he backed away.

I opened my mouth to speak but the bang of the front door echoed through the apartment along with Rupert’s voice shouting “Claire bear where are ye, yer ex is calling by and…” Jamie took one step back, before he could finish his sentence he spotted Jamie with me on the veranda, stiffness obvious between the two of us. “Oh right well this is vera civilised” Rupert’s attempt at a joke fell flat, Jamie placed his mug down on the patio table and said gruffly “thanks for the coffee Claire, C’mon” motioning his head at Rupert


	5. A Mark.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie helps Rupert with some DIY.

Jamie’s distraught expression when I said I wasn’t in love with him, took me by surprise. I didn’t realise it would even affect him, I had tried and probably failed to bury a lot of thoughts of him, and if I conjured up any memory it was a man that couldn’t love me, and didn’t deserve my love. I had blocked out his begging, pleading and excuses in order to survive. I had also refused to remember the blissfully happy times we had and how I thought there was no one for me but him, he had certainly told me that I was the only one for him. Remembering it hurt, but once I saw his face on the balcony, I could see it all again in my mind’s eye, the hurt and pain I had seen in the same face two years before

 

“You didn’t lie, you didn’t try to hide it and I am thankful for that Jamie, for giving me that respect…and maybe if I hadn’t seen the image I could have tried to…forget” His hand on her hips, her hands on his chest. He hadn’t been sorry then, hadn’t thought of me, he had been thinking about something else entirely. That was partly why I left because the image was real in my mind, I mean he had told me, confessed it all but there is something about a tangible picture that makes things real. I couldn’t go on denying it or pretending it hadn’t happened. I thought it ripped me right open, but the expression on Jamie’s face when I pointed to our laptop that morning and said, “I can’t unsee this and I can’t stay”, was utter devastation. 

 

He followed me begging and pleading while I packed, eventually as I neared the door he dropped to his knees and buried his face in my stomach wrapping his arms around my waist, “Sassenach I am begging ye, please dinna leave, I will spend the rest of my life making it right.” I reached behind my back and disentangled his hands, taking one step back, I could see the tears forming a new on his cheek. 

 

“I can’t Jamie, I am sorry, I just …its changed us, the way I love you is different now…you made it less, you lessened us”

 

“Claire ya ken it was only because I thought I had already lost ye.” 

 

“hmm” I said in a detached voice “that’s the pity, you hadn’t lost me at all then, but now you have”

I turned and left, I didn’t look back.

__________________________________________________________

 

After the incident with Jamie on the balcony, I had gone for a run and somehow ended up at Cathal’s place, whether Cathal sensed I was having some sort of emotional crisis he was good enough to not question it. He had no idea who Jamie was to me, and that in itself was wrong of me. We had flirted our way into bed. I had wanted it, wanted him to make me forget Jamie and forget the pain of losing him. It should have been enough, but when I ran my hands down his back and felt the expanse of his shoulders, I had to bite on my bottom lip to stop me cry out for Jamie. Nobody had or would reach me like he did and part of me hated him for it, for denying me that, I could speak to his body as if it were my own. 

Cathal up until now had been a balm on my battered soul, he was loving and kind and funny, we laughed together constantly, he didn’t deserve half an effort from me. I vowed to be better for him.

___________________________________________________________

 

It was only a few days before Jamie made a reappearance at the apartment, Rupert had bought a flat packed wardrobe, but lacked the ability to use a hammer and nail. He had made a pleading call to Jamie, quite handy in that regard and Jamie arrived soon after. He gave me a shy smile when he passed me on the couch, for the next hour I heard nothing but profanity coming from Rupert’s room, which eventually transcended into gradual grunts. From the sounds of things they had managed to assemble most of it. I was just about to offer coffee, when I heard a loud “Fuck” followed by “for fucks sake Rupert” and “Oh Christ man I’m sorry”

 

It transpired that Rupert had knocked the newly assembled wardrobe straight over and down on top of Jamie’s opened palm. Rupert starting roaring my name shortly after, and I could hear Jamie hissing at him not to call me. But it was too late, I was in the room and down on my knees beside Jamie before he had a chance to run.

 

“Let me look at it under the light in the kitchen Jamie”, 

 

“nay Sassenach, its fine, il just bandage it up and …” he said through gritted teeth. It was pouring blood and far from fine. 

 

“You’ll do no such thing, you might need stitches, I am looking at it” without

Further protestations he followed me like a lamb to the kitchen, it was clearly paining him he had beads of sweat breaking out on his forehead.

 

I led him to the kitchen sink and took his hand in both of mine, the minute I touched him, something ran through me and it took all my concentration to focus on his injury. I was unnecessarily entwining my fingers through his as I examined it, holding it up nearer to my face. My heart was beating almost painfully in my chest and I was afraid he would hear it.

 

“I think a few steri strips should do it and I will wrap it well, for work. You don’t want to be getting an infection in it” 

 

I lifted my head to see what he thought of my assessment and he was just gazing down at me, suddenly his good hand rose slowly and took my right hand in his, he traced the bones in my hand first and eventually landed with his thumb on my wrist, rubbing gently over the small tattoo .

 

“Ye dinna get rid of it?” he asked in something like disbelief, his thumb tracing idly and back over the letters JF. 

 

My mouth went suddenly dry, “no…I…no I didn’t” I replied honestly. His head bobbed up and down in understanding, he pressed his lips together and then I saw him swallow hard, his chin trembled slightly. I lifted his good hand and turned his wrist to face me “you didn’t either I see?” he looked me straight in the eye “Never Sassenach”, he said shaking his incredulously, “I wouldna want to.” 

 

It was the first time since his arrival in London, he had used that name of endearment and I was about to chastise him for using it but when I looked at him, his face was so full of gratitude and he had the sweetest smile, I couldn’t do it. 

 

Rupert strutted into the kitchen took one look at our faces and said “ach Christ did I break it?” 

 

“No” I said smiling “but you gave it a good go” 

 

I carefully cleaned the hand, and bandaged it. Jamie watched me attentively all the time, when I was finished I splayed his hand out across the kitchen table, “it will be sore for a few days if you make a fist or that but I think it will heal well” I promised, in my best doctor voice.

 

“thank ye” he said in almost a whisper, eyes intent on mine, he picked up my hand that rested on the table, slowly while keeping his eyes on me, he brought his mouth to my open hand and kissed my palm. It was an act he had done thousands of times before, I told myself he did it without conscious thought, nearly like an old habit. But then he shifted his face, so his cheek rested in my palm. 

“Jamie” I breathed pleadingly. 

 

He didn’t make to move, but eventually kissed my palm again and laid it back on the table. 

 

We sat there in silence for a minute, I wasn’t sure what had just ran between us, but I felt thoroughly unsettled and had a longing like pain in my chest.

 

“sorry” he whispered guiltily, he looked up at me then through his eyelashes and I thought my heart would break.

 

“Will you stay for dinner?” Rupert roared from the sitting room. “Claire does me a roast on Sundays if she is off”, Rupert continued. Then poking his head around the door “that’s alright Claire bear, if Jamie stays? An imploring look at me and a wink.

 

I just sighed,

 

“roast chicken Jamie?, you are welcome to stay……its Rupert’s favorite, Gellis is coming too…” I began to explain.

 

Jamie cut across me not answering my question clearly preoccupied with mine and Ruperts domestic arrangements, “Ye cook for him?” he asked in a scandalized tone.

 

“Well he cooks for me too” I replied reasonably “but if I am off on a Sunday I like to cook.

 

“How the hell has Rupert managed to wrangle ye to live with him and now ye tell me ye cook him as well.”

 

I just smiled, “leave poor Rupert alone, he was other worldly charms, do you want to stay or not?”

 

A shy smile spread across his face, “I would like nothing more Claire”

 

_____________________________________________

Gellis arrived in a flurry of activity, finishing a sentence on the phone before she even entered that flat, she crooked one eyebrow at me when she saw Jamie watching Rugby with Rupert on the couch, handed me two bottles of wine and said 

 

“Ach well isna this cosy, just like old times!”

 

I gave her a warning look, which I knew she would completely ignore. 

 

“Is Cathal coming?” she hissed into my ear. “No, he is on nights”, I tried to sound casual but the truth was I didn’t know how Cathal would feel about any of this if he really knew who Jamie was.

 

For the main Gellis behaved herself throughout dinner, I could feel heat rising in my cheeks when she asked Jamie if he was seeing anyone. “Are ye dating anyone then Fox hmm?” she asked swirling the wine around in her glass and sitting back on her chair, eyes squinted in scrutiny.

 

Jamie glanced at me quickly, a shake of his head and a gruff reply of “no”. 

 

Gellis being Geillis wasn’t prepared to leave it there “London is a great place for dating, so many single and ready to mingle, isna that right Rupert?”

Rupert was nodding animatedly, “Why Rupert ye should….”

 

“No thanks” Jamie said firmly, a tight smile “I ken where yer going with this Geillis and I am not interested, thanks for yer concern all the same” he narrowed his eyes as he let the smile fall from his face. I heard Gellis mutter “Interesting” 

 

Apart from that the evening passed without incident, it was some time later with Rupert dozing on the couch beside Gellis that I rose to walk Jamie out. 

 

“Thanks for dinner” he said nervously

 

“No problem it was…” and for lacking a word to describe what is was I trailed off with “strange…I mean its been a long time since we shared a meal” I pressed my lips together in a thin line, and gave him a weak smile.

 

Jamie paused for a minute and cleared his throat, “Claire I was wondering…do ye think maybe…”, he rubbed the palms of his hands down his sides and then brought them up folding his arms and dropping them again, he was moving his weight from one foot to the other, as if he couldn’t stand still. 

 

My forehead burrowed in confusion “what I mean to ask do ye think ye could find it in yerself to spend a bit of time with me again?” I opened my mouth to respond, maybe detecting my hesitancy he quickly clarified “as friends I mean you and me”

 

“Jamie” I began shaking my head, 

He looked down at his feet and I heard him say “please” so softly my heart almost broke. 

“Ok as friends” I said tersely “but if it gets weird….”

 

His head snapped up, a big grin on his face, “it won’t!” he said and without taking a breath “I will not give ye cause to regret it”.


	6. Just Friends

“….and what did ye do when ye got there” Gellis asked, biting her bottom lip, arms folded. “nay nay don’t tell me, let me guess…ye ordered a big fuck off bottle of champagne?, aye? I nodded smiling “Och good start Claire” she purred approvingly.

“then let me see” she mused tapping her finger off her chin, “ye turned on the Jacuzzi” I nodded again giggling. “ok now ye can tell me…” she asked excitedly “what did that big bastard Cathal do then? She winked at me suggestively but in case I was in any doubt she made a circle with her fist and plunged her index finger in and out with great affect.

I turned to my right and noticed Jamie close beside us filling out a chart, his face was purple, his forehead furrowed. I cringed inwardly, I knew he had heard everything, I should have known Gellis had an ulterior motive for her demand in vivid descriptions of my weekend away.

“Shit stirrer”, I whispered to her, her eyes widened in feigned innocence.

Jamie glared at her but moved a little closer to me “Claire could I have a quick word”,

“sure” I said a little too breathy, hot cheeks glowing “whats up?”

Eh do ye wanna get a beer this evening…after yer shift I mean? I started to stutter out a litany of reasons why I couldn’t; Jamie tilted his head boyishly “I owe ye aye? For all the healing on my hand” He held up the injured hand and wriggled it, “honestly Jamie there is no need”, I shook my head but Gillis cut across us “oh aye I’m gasping…il text Ruppie” I thought Jamie would withdraw the offer but he just smiled at her gratefully turned to me and said “so will ye come then?”

“Ok I suppose” I said nodding. 

It had only been a few days since we had agreed to the friend’s arrangement, and I had warned myself not to get too friendly for want of a better word. I was all too aware of my draw to him; I couldn’t allow myself to go down that path this time.

Jamie and I had about one week of purely friendship in our history, and that week alone was filled with flirty innuendo, we had gone a whole seven days before Jamie had slided up to me at a bar, “I dinna think this whole friend thing is working out?”

“Oh really” I asked a little taken back “what is the issue?”

“weel” he began biting his bottom lip, his eyes wandering from my face down the length of my body. “I think what I have in mind for you, no decent friend would do to the other”,

“oh contraire” I quipped “that is exactly what a decent friend should do.” He had my jacket pulled of the bar stool and my hand in his dragging me out the door before I had a chance to swallow my drink.

I assured myself that Rupert and Geillis would be chaperoning this time at least.

___________________________________________

Jamie’s POV

I sat watching the pub door, my heart lifting and falling every time it opened and Claire dinna walk in, maybe she was having second thoughts, maybe she would arrive with him.

Rupert made a loud sound of satisfaction after gulping down several swigs of his pint, then banged it down, belched and leaned across the table, “look man its no my place to tell ye what’s what, but he is a good lad, he is good to Claire and he has no fuck’n clue that ye are her ex” aye?

I raised my eyes “why is that I wonder?” I asked. The knowledge had denied who I was to her had knawed on my mind since I first laid eyes on her. 

“weel she dinna speak of ye know…what happened or that and I suppose she is a prideful wee thing, I doubt she wanted him to ken what ye did”

I bowed my head into my pint, trying to hide the shame showing on my face.

Rupert patted me sympathetically on the shoulder. “If ye intend on being around her, which ye have told me ya do, then you canna be eyeing him up as if ya wanna strangle the fella”

“is that why ya dinna tell me he was bringing her away last weekend” I asked.

“aye” he said quietly “look Jamie ye dinna need to be hearing that…It will only put thoughts in yer head aye?…and asides its not like he doesna sleep over at ours all the time….they are shagg’n anyway Jamie man…just cause he brought her away doesna mean they did it more” he blurted out.

My wame churned, it had been like that all day since I heard Gellis refer to the sordid details of Claire’s weekend away. I couldn’t bear the thoughts of another mans hands on her, I knew off course Claire wouldn’t lack for want of offers but…it was easier when I hadn’t met him, seen his arm around her holding her close to him. I kept imagining her lovely breasts but now all I could see was that bastards face buried in them and her crying out his name.

Suddenly the door opened and Gellis breezed in, Claire close behind her. Her hair loose and curling around her face, she was the bonniest thing I had ever seen, my stomach flipped in excitement and I could feel the buzz jolting through me, that Claire only produced.

“Right man, yer on” Rupert whispered.

__________________________

Jamie jumped up as soon as we walked in, rubbing his palms down his side.

“I dinna ken what ye drink these days?” he asked nervously.

“oh a white wine would be great thanks”, he motioned to Gellis “a pint of cider, and a packet of scampi fries since yer buying” she purred smiling sweetly.

Jamie returned with the drinks and they went down a treat, as did the second and third round. We moved on from that bar at Ruperts persuasion to another one that had live music, it was much more crowded with only standing space, Rupert and Geillis were browsing the crowd searching for a potential hook up. Leaving Jamie and I suddenly, alone an awkward silence fell between us, I could feel Jamie’s eyes on me, watching contemplatively, eventually he leaned down and spoke softly into my ear, “is this ok?”

“Wot?” I asked my forehead furrowed in confusion, his mouth curled into a half smile, “you and me here like this, the whole friends thing, ye said ye dinna want it to be weird…is it?”

“no no…I mean its just been a long time since we….I never did this with an ex before…remained friends after we broke up…we just have to get used to it I suppose.”

“We dinna really do platonic …” Jamie said sheepishly. I raised one eye at him, “I mean we have no experience just being friends…” he clarified.

His statement reminded me of why it was we had lasted a mere week as ‘just friends’ the enigmatic charge between us that always led to sex, I half wondered what would be so different now? Then I remembered the last time Jamie hadn’t breached my trust, it was easy to fall into bed and in love with him then. I looked him back square in the eye and said “hmm, I suppose we never had the need to be just platonic” he opened his mouth to say something but before he did, I quickly quipped “it’s the only alternative we have here …well that or nothing at all.”

He leaned closer, his forehead creased his eyes open and sincere “I am so grateful Claire honestly…I dinna want ye thinking that I would take for granted the chance yer given me..just have ye as a friend. He paused for a minute deliberating what to say next and he looked to the ground and back up, “its just …” his hand rose slowly and ghosted over my cheek, “I have to remind myself not to reach out and touch ye” I felt my stomach drop to my feet with loneliness, at the thoughts of not touching him in tenderness again either, but I couldn’t and wouldn’t.

Before I could say another word, we heard Rupert’s voice billowing “SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS! C’mon you two bar now!” I gave Jamie a small smile, “we better not keep him waiting, he will only keep roaring.”

The copious amount of shots I went onto to consume were an attempt to forget the look in Jamie’s eye when he almost cupped my cheek. Desperate, longing.

It was almost 2am when we fell out of the last bar and my legs were not coordinating with my upper body, they were heavy, weightless. I linked Rupert out the door, but once we got outside he turned to Jamie and said “here hold this one up I have to take a pish”, Rupert took me by my forearms and leaned me into Jamie’s body, “dinna drop her” he said pointing his finger at Jamie. As soon as Rupert walked away, I stood straight, taking my weight off Jamie’s body. I swayed slightly and he pulled me back into him, wrapping his arm around my shoulder. “I’m fine” I said making to stand straight again, “yer swinging in the wind Sassenach, stay by my side, aye?”

I gave up, I wasn’t even able to stand without leaning lopsided, between that and the heat from Jamie’s body I was like a magnet to him.

“god im so drunk” I breathed, my eyes shut. “aye I ken” Jamie replied smiling, his thumb was absently rubbing my shoulder.

My phone buzzed in my bag and I squinted my eyes to read the text, once I did I straightened up at once shrugging Jamie’s hand off my shoulder.

“Cathal is finishing his shift so he is coming to walk me home” I explained. Not meeting Jamie’s eye. “Ya shoulda said sure were all walking home anyway…no need for the lad to go out of his way” Jamie muttered, looking at the ground, “eh no…imp staying at his place tonight…we have stuff on tomorrow”

Jamie shoved his two hands into his pockets “Oh I see” his shoulders were hunched over, his face downcast.

“why did ye no tell him about me?” he asked suddenly, meeting my eye.

“I em well at first …I didn’t want to in front of Mary and Geillis” I said licking my lips hoping that it was only my head that was swaying not the rest of me.

“Aye but does he ken now that we …that we have a past?” Jamie persisted.

“no” I sighed weakly, “no he doesn’t”

“why?”

I swallowed and pursed my lips trying to word what I needed to say, the drink had turned my brain into mush and the topic was delicate enough. “I don’t really like to talk about it” I whispered.

“About us? Or just what I did?” Jamie asked softly.

“Both” I replied pointedly, I folded my arms, rubbing my hands up and down my forearms vigorously trying to warm myself.

Jamie went quiet for a minute contemplating something on the ground.

Then suddenly his head shot up and he squared his shoulders, “do ye love him?”

“Jamie” I said warningly, “you don’t get to do this”

“just answer me that and I will no mention his name to ye again.” His eyes were blazing, he would not look away. I glanced to the ground to escape his gaze.

“what difference does it make to you?” I asked crossly.

He looked at me incredulously “ If you think that it does not matter to me if and when ye fall in love with another man yer very much mistaken Sassenach”

I let out a huffed breath, “you speak about him as if I am having a sordid affair. He isn’t the other man Jamie!”

“Yer avoiding my question”

I squared up to him looking him straight in the eye. Taking all my strength to stand tall and steady. “Cathal is hugely important to me, but he is off limits to you, it would be a betrayal to him to discuss this with you, ok?”

He nodded solemnly. Just as he was about to say something else, We heard Cathal’s cheerful voice chatting to Rupert, he smiled as he approached me, his face tender with happiness to see me “aw are you pissed babe?”

Returning his warm smile, “wasted” I agreed. Slipping my arm around his waist as he pulled me to him, “lets go, I need bed.”


	7. Boxercise

Stuck on you, Boxercise, Chapter 7.

Rupert and Jamie were speaking in loud whispers outside my room. I tried lifting my weight onto my elbow to pull myself up but a clicking sound ripped up my hip and I fell back down suddenly, stifling a groan.   
“Claire dinna be moving” Geillis scolded from the other side of the room. 

“Why wasna Claire in work?” I could hear Jamie ask Rupert.   
Rupert made a low whistling sound “Ye mean to tell me ye dinna hear…weel…Geillis knocked her out last night at their exercise class” Rupert raveled out in hushed dramatic tones.   
“I had to help her to go for a pish this morning, her arse is black and blue” Rupert explained animatedly. I rolled my eyes and cursed him internally; the bastard was living and breathing this story. Jamie muttered something that I couldn’t understand or hear in gaelic and Rupert’s voice took on a higher pitch as if someone was strangling him“ it isna like that man, I didna look at her arse, Geillis told me” Rupert stated, vindicating his account of my ‘accident’.

Geillis was remaining unusually quiet beside me, her ear cocked so she could eavesdrop the conversation the other side of the door, “ooh yer knight in shining armor has arrived I see” she teased, sitting on the end of my bed. “He will probably blame me…” she continued indignantly, holding her hand over her heart in mock horror.

“Well it was you who through the punch!” I said widening my eyes at her.  
Jamie was continuing his interrogation with Rupert outside.  
“What do ye mean she was knocked out? Did ye no bring her into the hospital ya fool?” 

Rupert laughed heartily before answering “Och god no, according to the good Doctor she is braw, even though she can’t pish without assistance and her eye is up like a balloon” His tone dripping in sarcasm.  
Jamie’s voice stuttered slightly when I heard him ask “Is she on her own in there?”, A snort from Rupert, followed by “aye ye needna worry, her fella is away on some sort of training thing all week, the red haired boxer is keep’n vigil just now…”   
There was more shuffling outside my door followed by “Claire its me can I come in?” Fantastic, Jamie in my bedroom while I garnered a black eye and was completely incapacitated!

“och do come in Foxy” Gellis crooned out.

Jamie opened the door and stood mouth agape before making it across the room in two strides to loom over me in the bed. “Christ Sassenach what in god’s name happened?” His hand automatically bent down to cup my cheek and his thumb gently stroked below the eye that had the black, green bruise circling it.  
“It was the boxercise class…I dinna mean it”, Gellis answered voice full of virtue. “She was meant to swipe left...I got confused and hit her in the face…she went flying across the floor and landed on her arse” Gellis breathed in deeply, an arrogant smile on her lips.   
“Tell ye the truth fox, the instructor said he had never seen a punch like it, isna that right Claire?” she had dreamy look in her eye, and beaming with pride. “reckons I have a right bonnie swing….”  
“Where is the pain?” Jamie interrupted, shooting Gellis a dirty look. He was looking up and down the length of my body, trying to assess the damage.   
“My arse” I made an attempt at a rueful smile, but my cheeks were blazing. His lip curled up into a smirk and he bent his head down to me tenderly, whispering “now that would be an awful shame if anything happened to tha lovely thing Sassenach” making an attempt at a wink. “is it yer coxic bone then do ye think?” he said a bit louder for Gellis’s benefit.  
“Aye” Gellis interjected “her arse is black and blue, I dinna think its broke though” she stated absently, while filing her finger nails and reclaiming her seat at the end of my bed. 

“Gellis” Jamie said exasperatingly “She needs to get an x-ray it could be broke…or” before he could continue I cut him off “I am not going into A&E to have my arse x-rayed Jamie…I know fine well it is just badly bruised.”

He opened his mouth to speak again and I turned my head away sulkily “if you are here to annoy me about going to hospital then you may go, I have a big enough pain in my arse without you turning into one.”

“yer so stubborn” he breathed out, then reaching his decision he clapped his hands together and said “right well if ye think it’s bruised there are some things we can do, aye? But first do ye have any arnica I can put on yer wee face”  
“Its fine Jamie, I don’t need…” I started to protest but before I could continue, Gellis clearly now bored with her victim stood and sighed dramatically. “il leave the fox to tend ye then Claire…Rupert and I are gonna grab a pint”  
“Geillis” I hissed warningly, “I can’t even make it to the toilet!” my eyebrows raised in emphasis.   
“Dinna fret Claire” Gellis hummed, “I’m sure the fox will be happy to link ye to the ladies room, won’t ya fox?” she asked Jamie pointedly, wriggling her eyes suggestively. 

“I’d be happy to………” seeing the panic in my face he continued “or else I will call an ambulance and they’ll put ye face down on a trolley roll’n ye into A&E with yer arse in the air!” he threatened. 

I sighed resigning myself to Jamie’s stubbornness, and nodded obediently “ok, Arnica in my medical kit in the kitchen, ask Rupert”  
A prim smile spread across his face and he turned on his heel in pursuit of Rupert  
Gellis blew me a kiss, and groped one of her breasts before skipping out the door.   
He returned a few minutes later with some spare pillows, the arnica and a hot water bottle. My vulnerability caused a lump to form in my throat at his thoughtfulness, but I pushed it away quickly before it was visible on my face.   
He sat on one side of the bed and spread some of the arnica gel on his hand, then gently applied a little under my eye. “I can do this myself Jamie” I croaked out.   
He shook his head.  
“Ye can’t see where the bruising is, il do it, his tongue resting lightly on his bottom lip in concentration. Once he had applied it, he sat back a little and said, I am going to get ye sitting up a bit and take the pressure of yer lower back. Ok”?

I nodded again.

“Now put yer arms around my neck and when I get ye to a sitting up position try and stay that way while I get these pillows under yer lower back, aye?”  
I nodded again, biting my bottom lip trying to hide the smile threatening to turn into a laugh at Jamie’s practiced bedside manner.  
“on the count of three…” he started. He leaned over me in a sitting position, taking both my arms and throwing them over his shoulders, pulling me up with him. I let out a low moan, at the movement and he shot me an anxious look. “did I hurt ye?”   
“no no its fine, I am just really stiff”. Sitting up now we were face to face. Stock still for a minute and Jamie’s eyes wandered from my eyes over my cheek bones to my lips. For a fleeting second I thought he was going to lean in further, so I darted my head down suddenly to look at my bedspread and banged my head off his nose, causing him to yelp suddenly. “Christ ye broke my nose” he said indignantly. I took back my arms from around his shoulders, “If I broke your nose, you would be bleeding like a pig, so I think you’ll live Fraser”  
He smirked and smoothed back an errant curl from my face. The bit of my cheek that wasn’t black and blue was burning crimson from his touch and I started fiddling with my hands, an nonsensical giggle built steadily from my belly until a laugh escaped my mouth and I shook my head, looking back up at Jamie.

“What?” He said smiling back, his eyes sparkling with the urge to laugh with me, “are ye laughing at me?”

“Yes…both of us” I said through gasped giggles, “This is weird” I eventually blurted out and held my sides trying to control my breathing. I began breathing again through my nose heavily to catch my breath, tears of laughter stinging my eyes.   
“Claire!” ye are delirious “what is weird?” Jamie eyebrows crinkled in confusion, an amused smile cracking his face.  
“This” I said blowing air in and out my mouth through laughter. “us” my hand pointed between him and me “ you and me” I continued, “you nursing me, you on my bed….Its just so weird”  
He laughed softly then and looked to his hands which through their own accord had risen and were resting on my knees over the duvet. “I dinna ken how to not be weird” he said smiling at me “I get weird when I’m around ye”  
I shook my head, grinning “Oh I see I make you weird? Hmm is that right?”  
He nodded solemnly holding back the cheeky smirk. “Ye do, its isna my fault ye have a terrible effect on me”   
I rolled my eyes “and how do you manage around other women? Hmm, are you weird around them all?”  
“no just you!” he retorted, laughing at my outraged face.  
“Well maybe you should stay clear of me then” I huffily replied crossing my arms.  
“I canna” Jamie said laughing softly, tilting his head and looking at me intently.  
“Well at least it only applies to me so it shouldn’t affect your pulling power?” I winked at him teasingly.   
“Pulling power?” Jamie repeated eyebrow cocked questioningly.  
“You know I said” breathing out impatiently “that’s what Rupert calls it…on the pull, getting a hit, hook up…women etc etc” I explained smiling.  
“I couldna tell ye, I havna pulled anyone in a vera long time Claire” Jamie has said it jokily but as soon as it was out I could see the significance of what he said darning on him.   
I narrowed my eyes “eh I somehow doubt that Fraser”  
He sat up straight, his cheeks had a steady blush growing up them.  
“ye dinna believe me?” he asked looking completely offended.  
I shook my head and bit my bottom lip trying not to laugh at him. This only incensed him further. “Why do ye no believe me?”   
I knew my eyes were sparkling with devilment and tears from earlier laughing. “ok” I said folding my arms “how long have you been celibate and I will decide if I believe you.”  
A bright blush ran up his cheeks and his mouth opened to speak but he shut it again.  
“See” I concluded. “You don’t even know how long…”  
He stood up suddenly and busied himself with pillows behind my back, I thought the topic was over. He took me gently by the forearms and lay be back down in a much more comfortable position. I could feel the heat of the hot water bottle at my lower back. I sighed in bliss. “thank you Jamie, that feels so much better.”  
He smiled down at me softly and said. “Two years”  
I crinkled my eyes in confusion “What two years?”.  
Jamie was biting the side of his mouth looking slightly uncomfortable. “It’s been two years since I lay with someone”   
My eyes widened and my mouth opened to say something but before I could he leaned down to my ear and whispered.  
“nobody since you.”  
My mind was whirling a mile a minute, but the one word that was screaming louder than all the rest was why.  
And that is what blurted out of my mouth without me even realising it. “Why Jamie?” I croaked.  
He shook his head incredulously, “because what would be the point Claire?”  
Seeing my incomprehension written all over my face, he swallowed, cleared his throat, he slowly crouched down and sat beside me on the bed. He looked down at my clenched fist, shyly, meeting my eye for consent before carefully unfolding my fist, laying my palm straight before placing his own palm over it. I looked down briefly at our joined hands, brushing all thoughts of wrongness from my mind as I had to hear what he said next, I simply couldn’t do without. My heart was beating so fast it was drumming in my ears.  
“I had a woman that made me burn from just looking at her, made my knees weak from want of her, and when she took me to bed she held my whole heart in her hands.”  
“Jamie” I rasped, pleadingly. His eyes raked over my body, that sent a shiver down my spine and warmth pool through my belly. “Do ye ken what that is, to have that? And then for it to be gone through nobody’s fault but my own and no for certain that no other woman will make ye feel like that again?”  
I reached up and cupped his cheek, he looked so sorrowful I had to comfort him, his eyes bore into mine, “Jamie you will have that again, you just havn’t met the right person…” I was about to continue but he just shook his head. “Nay Sassenach, youre my soulmate…there is one for each of us, and yer mine.” I could hear him try to reign in the possessiveness and merely state it as fact.   
“You can’t think like that Jamie” I breathed, “it won’t help”  
“I can I have to, it’s the reason I am here Claire, in London. For you.” He said firmly.


	8. Here I am.

Stuck on you, Here I am, Chapter 8. 

 

Thank you as always to @balfeheughlywed the beta queen, and gives poor Jamie dogs abuse when he needs it. Also to

 

 

“So ye told her then?” Rupert asked in an excitable tone. I nodded silently. 

“And how did she take it?” 

“Weel, she dinna say much really I suppose she wasna expecting me to tell her she was the reason I moved here.”

I tried to rationalise Claire’s dazed expression after I told her, her hand had moved slowly away from my cheek. Her eyes darting away to protect her thoughts.

“I dinna ken, she was a bit taken aback to be fair” I half muttered under my breath.

Taking my chance, I signaled to the barman to put up another round, the third round on me and Rupert didn’t let it go unnoticed. “Alright Fraser spit it out? Ye clearly have summoned me here for a reason…and with the way yer buying me beer, I am guessing its information on Claire.”

I smiled sheepishly and nodded. “Aye.” The barman placed two cold pints in front of us and I waited until he moved away. I nervously rubbed my hands down my sides, I knew Rupert didn’t want to get involved and I had to approach him cautiously, like a foal that could balk at any minute.

“has she said ought to you?” I half closed one eye, afraid to see him start into the litany of why he wasn’t tell tailing on Claire. But he gave me a benevolent look and said “no, well not really but she isna herself…il say that much”

“in what way?” I pressed. 

“Well she is distracted and quiet.” He said downing a large gulp from his glass and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, “and she…” he continued again. He was hesitating, I could see his eyes dart about his head trying to worm his way out of finishing his sentence. “And…” I repeated bobbing my head encouragingly.

“And I ken she told Cathal who ye are.” He divulged hurriedly. Cranking his neck to the side to gauge my expression.

“Fuck, are ye serious?”. My mind was swirling with possibilities of what this meant.

“Aye” Rupert replied gravely. 

“ye dinna sound like it went well then?” I probed. 

He shook his head from side to side, “Aye well I couldna hear it all but he dinna sound best pleased that she kept it from him…”

“Oh aye?” I said vaguely, trying to keep the desperate hope building in me from making my voice sound off pitch.

“What?” I pushed him, it came out more stern than I intended.

“Look, this is why I dinna want to get involved in this shit” Rupert spluttered into his pint.

“Ya canna not tell me now Rupert, c’mon….” 

He sighed and shut his eyes, “I just dinna want ye getting yer hopes up Jamie.”

“Why?” uneasiness was creeping in to my chest and I could feel my palms wet.

“Well because I think Cathal got over it….about ye and Claire.” Rupert had one eye half pinched afraid to look at me.

“How do ye ken that?”

“He stayed the night, they were ok by morning…that I am sure of and please dinna ask me why” he breathed out, shoulders slumping at the relief of getting it out. 

My heart sank, “Aye I dinna think I want to ken.” I mumbled sinking my face into my pint to hide the burning feeling crawling up my throat. 

______________________________________________

I threw money on the counter to pay for another drink for Rupert and left, my heart had sunk into my stomach, Rupert knew I wasn’t fit for idle chat about the rugby, he didn’t push it. 

I thought back to my admission with Claire, trying to work out what she was thinking. Once I told her, I saw her mouth open to say something but nothing came out, her head stooped low and I could see that she was blinking back tears. She moved slightly of my reach on the bed, I was greatful she couldn’t run with her injury. For sure she would have balked. Her voice came across a little shaky when she eventually spoke. “It’s…I don’t know what to say Jamie…I”

It was a lot to take in, I tried to tell myself that. I had almost two years of longing; Claire had two years of probably hating me. She was loyal to another man now; I felt his presence in her heart when her next words were “I am with someone now you know that.”

“I ken” I replied weakly, the sullied fact was I didn’t care about him. I wanted him away from her, away from her mind, her touch and her bed. I hated the man for no other reason than she was his. Claire didn’t think I actually did ken because she persisted. “I have someone who loves me, who has never hurt me, one that I don’t have to imagine betraying me with another woman.”

Her words stung even now when they were only a memory.

“Claire” it came out as a pleading whisper, a plea for or her to remember me and her, what we had been.

I thought if I explained how it was, maybe she would see the truth in it, a gaping mistake in my life that I would give anything to reverse. I didnt think I would ever be able to describe the hallow feeling when I pulled that girl into my arms or the ache in my heart when I sat in the back of the uber with her. I remember absently looking down at her legs while we drove to her apartment, and in my drunken haze absently thought she had really short legs, but then all I could see was Claire’s long endless creamy legs and how they wrapped perfectly around my hips, So the whole journey to another woman’s apartment, I longed for Claire, a visceral humming in my body earning for all of her and how she made me feel. How the hell could I ever tell Claire that? Tell her while I prepared to bed another woman, my heart and body had cried out for her. 

Instead I had simply told the more basic truth, “I dinna even want her, she meant nothing to me, I used that poor girl to hurt you, to make you jealous…I shouldha never gone near her” 

That had sparked her completely, “Gone near her?” she had looked at me in disbelief. Her whiskey eyes, were flashing wildly and she was pushing the hair away from her face, “You did more than bloody go near her!”

“It wasna like you think Claire.” it wasn’t.

“Like I fucking think?” she spat disbelievingly “I think! That you picked up a woman and went home with her, is that not what I should think? Hmm? Is that not true then Jamie? Two years hasn’t changed the reason I left!”

Silence overcame us again, I knew not to push it, just allowing her to think.

I had barely heard her when she spoke next, eyes cast downwards, fidgeting with the sheet from her bed, Claire’s voice was barely a whisper. 

“It was the humiliation. “I never thought you would hurt me like that Jamie”

The night before Claire left, when I told her what I had done she had been so angry, a fury that ended with us mauling each other to completion, she had lashed out at first but then it became something more, a punishment from her, reminding me of what I was about to lose, for me it was just trying to cling to anything of her, hoping to god she wouldn’t leave me. The morning after, she was distant, cold unreachable. Her detached tone, when she said she had to go, that stupid photo there was no truth for me in that photo. So many realities that the picture hadn’t shown.

So I had seen Claire angry, cold and then she was gone. I had never seen how vulnerable I had left her. It was my job to protect her, keep her safe, instead I had flayed her open publically. Hearing her tell me of her humiliation ripped it all open again the big gaping wound I had caused for both of us.

Sorry was not going to cut it. I had avoided mentioning Willie’s death, I still found it difficult to say it out loud but we both knew that was when it had all started.

“ya ken I was such a mess after Willie” I said quietly. “I was out of my mind, I got so paranoid I’d loose ye too…and then when ye went away that weekend I thought ye were with him…stupidly thought I would show ye how it felt to be ripped apart like that, Christ I was delusional enough to hope if ye were with him, it would bring ye back to me”

I took her delicate hands in mine, and looked her straight in the eye, “It was the biggest mistake of my life Claire” I bowed my head slightly and without realising it, I had inched closer like a magnet until my head rested on her chest, it had been so long since I had that kind of contact with her, I could have laid my head against her forever, I was so immersed in the feel and warmth of her, I didn’t notice her hands tenderly rising to cradle my head against her, I could feel her heart beating rapidly “only you” I whispered, “I have never loved anyone only you.” 

I looped my arms around her waist and she held me there for what seemed like hours. 

I think I had covered the length of the city by now and here I found myself again, outside her flat, not able to stay away, and praying that she was alone.


	9. Guilt

As always thank you to @balfeheughlywed for giving me a kick in the right direction and for not jumping out the window.

I quirked one eyebrow when I opened the door, Jamie stood in the hall, hands thrust in his pockets, shoulders rounded and his chin hidden just below the large collar of his jacket, so that he looked up at me under his eyelashes. His cheeks were ruddy from the cold. A sheepish smile on his lips. “Hi” he said softly.

“What are you doing here Jamie?” I asked sharply.

“I needed to see you” He took his hands out of his pocket and stood up straight.

“You could have checked first instead of just rocking up…I have a life you know?…” my voice trailed off as I tugged my pajama top down to cover the skimpy shorts Id hastily thrown on.

His hand went up apologetically, “I ken I ken…I am sorry…I stood outside for a while and I did try to walk away but I needed to see ye and I guessed if I phoned, ye either wouldn’t answer or turn me down…so I just took a chance”

My face was blazing as he had guessed right I wasn’t up to seeing him, but with him looming over me in the hall with a pleading face was harder to ignore.

“Can I just talk to ye…please?” his face took on a suddenly alarmed look and he choked out “Are ye alone?” he was looking over my shoulder as he asked.

“Yes” I replied hesitantly. “Rupert was gone to meet you?” I knew he wasn’t worried about Rupert being here, but I did half wonder where Jamie had left him. 

“Aye” he nodded, “we had a couple and I headed home”, his eyes came back from over my shoulder and rested on my face again,I kept the gap in the door narrow, my hip resting up against the frame.

“But you’re not home ….you’re here?” I cocked one eyebrow in question.

“Aye I ken” a stilled silence fell and we watched each other cautiously.

“Look…Claire can we talk?” He licked his bottom lip and shuffled his feet nervously.

I nodded and sighed, “fine, you had better come in then.” 

Jamie exhaled sharply, as if he had been holding a breath.

_____________________________________________ 

“do you want something to drink”, I asked folding my arms in front of me protectively. 

“I have wine open or there is whiskey?”

Jamie rucked his hand through his hair and said “whatever yer having is fine.” 

I poured him a glass, and refilled my own, taking a place on the couch. He took the glass but stood restlessly a few feet away, “You wanna sit?” I said indicating to the arm chair beside him. He took one stride and sat on the couch next to me. Leaving a small amount of room between us, I shuffled back slightly making a deliberate point of putting distance between us, his eyes crinkled and a look something a kin to regret passed over his face

I could smell the freshness of him from being out in the cold air and a mix of his aftershave, he smelled good, familiar, his own smell. My tummy clenched and I berated myself and my weak mind.

Jamie was fiddling with the rim of his glass. “So?” I urged.

“Aye so…” he inhaled deeply, and the blew it out in a long breath, like a calming excercise.

In an effort to put him a little at ease, I said, “you seem rather nervous Mr. Fraser?”

“Aye” he smiled softly, “…I suppose it would be wrong of me to tell you not to enjoy it?”

“It would, spit it out, you’ll feel better” 

He turned to face me on the couch, running his long arm along the back of it and tucking his foot behind his calf in a comfortable position. So many times he had sat on our own couch in Edinburgh chatting over wine just like this, we would be touching though, and kissing and stroking, when we had been together it was always tactile, it was impossible not to be touching. This still was eerily familiar. I found myself wanting to scoot closer but didn’t.

Jamie pursed his lips and said, “I just…I suppose we left things a little open after our last talk…my mind has been going daft wondering and I suppose I just wanted to know how ye feel now that ye ken?” 

I bowed my head a little to escape his intense gaze, my cheeks were burning. I had thought about it more than I cared to admit. However I owed him some honesty.

“I would be lying if I said that there isn’t something between us, but I am not sure if it’s because we just have a shared past Jamie…I don’t even know where to start…I spent the past two years moving on, I have met someone else” 

I started to play with the cuffs of my top, “I don’t know what you want me to say…”

“It isn’t because we share a past Claire, what it is between us it’s different, it’s no usual and it is the one thing that has sustained me in all this madness…that I would find ye that and tell ye so, I have been through enough the past two years to ken.”

“Well why now then, why come now?” I blurted out.

He took a deep breath and started to roll the glass between the palms of his hands, he sat up in the couch, shoulders hunched and his elbows resting on his thighs.

“Aye I suppose I should explain that…I…it’s hard to say.” I could see his body stiffen, and his face darkened.

He turned and looked away from me, pressing his lips together in a thin line. When he spoke again, his voice was hoarse as if the words were stuck in his throat. 

“After ye left Claire… I had a breakdown.”

He gave me a grim smile and continued. “God I hate even saying it cause ye will think me a basket case but…”

My mind was whirling, “Jamie!” I said in disbelief, “I would never think that…please tell me”

He shook his head from side to side “to be honest Claire, I dinna ken where to start…” He leaned forward and placed his untouched wine glass on the coffee table, then turned and faced me full on, his hand resting lightly between his two knees.

“I was a mess, I stopped eating, I dinna sleep…I definitely think washing had gone out the window… and when I did speak, it wasna coherent all kids of babble and rubbish cake out. Mam and Jenny came up to Edinburgh week or two after ye left, and near freaked”

He shrugged his shoulders and continued “a lot of that is a blur, I was completely out of it, but they persisted with me and got me into this intensive therapy place for a while, his fingers curled into air quotes, “the ‘silent cave’ it was called” he raised his eyes to heaven self-consciously, I could see the blush spreading across his face, this was a lot for Jamie, to accept that kind of help, to concede he needed it, he had a strong sense of male pride and would have foolishly believed any kind of mental illness or treatment as something that simply he was too strong to fall weakness to. The signs of him struggling were long apparent before I left, they had started when he found his brothers body.

His lips curled into a half smile and he bit the inside of his mouth,” there was a lot of hippie talk, and sitting around in circles” his description mocking to avert attention from him.

I reached for him and patted his forearm comfortingly, I wanted him to feel my touch so he knew he wasn’t alone in having to share something like this, I was still the same Claire, part of me wanted to hold him to me but I couldn’t, I knew how difficult Jamie would find divulging any of this. His eye glanced at my hand and he nodded appreciatively, gathering momentum to continue.

“but they got me to eat and do a bit of sport…then they would do one on one counselling sessions…and I suppose that is one good thing that I got from it, I still go to those sessions occasionally, it took a long time but the black fogginess lifted and I was able to function somewhat like a man again”

“Jamie” I breathed, tears were stinging my eyes, He grabbed my hand from his forearm and held, “dinna think of it ower much Sassenach, it is not the image I want ye to have of me”

I sighed exasperatedly “Jesus Jamie, an image of you? The image I have is a man who was in the dark and found the strength to pull himself up and get help, why would I not want that image of you?”

“I wouldn’t say I was as brave as all that” he said quietly, he looked pleased nonetheless.

“What did you do when you got out?”

“Well” he said while, running his thumb over the tips of my fingers. I knew if anyone had walked in we looked very intimate, our heads lowered, foreheads almost touching and my hand in his, I couldn’t help it, I wanted to look into his soul so I would know he was ok, I simply wasn’t able to do anything else.

“I had missed a whole semester anyway and couldna finish the year, so I went home to Lallybroch and Da worked me hard so that my mind couldn’t wander, they needed me too, it was enough to loose Willie, without them having to worry about me, I just kept seeing the counsellor every week and I tried to keep working so I wouldna have time to think ower much”

“Jamie, I am so sorry…I would have come to see you if I had known.”

“Claire I wouldna expect it of ye, ye did right to go, I ken I was no easy to live with me after Willie…I…I had started to break us long before well ye know what happened.”

I nodded but couldn’t stop the lump forming in my throat, his face looked so vulnerable. “that is why I convinced myself ye were with that lad, I…I hated myself so much, I couldna imagine ye wanting to be with me…it made sense that ye would want to be with someone else.”

I swallowed hard, “Why did you hate yourself so much Jamie? I could see you did, I just couldn’t understand why?”

He blinked back tears and nodded his head silently, composing himself before speaking again. “I couldna save him Claire, I carried him down that bloody mountain cause I didna ken what else to do. I kept thinking that if I had done something when I found him straight away maybe there wouldha been a chance…he might have lived.” He voice broke slightly when he spoke, and I sat forward on the couch taking his two hands in mine.

“Jamie” I breathed “Willie was dead when you found him, you know that…there was nothing you or anyone could have done.”

He bowed his head so it rested on my forehead again, inhaling slightly “Aye, well I never told ye this but I convinced myself that is what ye all thought, every time Ma or Da looked at me, I could see this sorrow in their eyes, and I felt that they blamed me…I ken now it was because I blamed me.”

“Jamie you should have told me, I feel I failed you…I knew you were grieving I just didn’t realise that you shouldered all this guilt as well.” My hands of their own inclination were stroking soothing patterns onto the back of his, hands that had held me and loved me, that knew each and every bit of me. Jamie sat up a little straighter, taking one hand away to pinch the moisture from his eyes with his thumb and index finger. He kept tight hold of my other hand.

“Claire I made a choice while I carried Willie’s body down for help, I decided I deserved to be punished, so it made sense to me that my life shouldha been a car crash from there on in, that’s why my paranoia led me to think ye were seeing someone, or that Ma and Da hated me…or that Jenny wished it was me who was dead.”

“Jesus Jamie” I exhaled, “I’m so sorry.”

He smiled coyishly, “Aye well that is what a year of therapy fixes Sassenach…they said I had post-traumatic stress disorder or something…a big fancy name for a whole pile of fucking guilt…but they did help me to stop that way of thinking…and I still go for a session, on the darker days.”

“I am so proud of you.” I said simply, “You were incredibly brave…I should have seen the signs, known you well enough to predict you would have tried to blame yourself.”

He put his hand up and cupped my cheek, wiping away a tear I didn’t know had escaped.

“No Claire…you couldha have known I shut everyone out …I was so angry…it is no excuse…but it didna help my frame of mind when I betrayed ye…I”

I put my hand up haltingly, “let’s not.” I said simply. He nodded silently.

“when I was at home in Lallybroch…that is when I thought of ye most…my mind was starting to clear somewhat and I remember waking in the night gasping for air with the realisation of what I had done to loose ye….It really hadn’t occurred to me until then I might no see ye again… it was a blind panic. I can’t explain it really.” We leaned forward and tucked a curl behind my ear. 

“you would have always have seen me again Jamie.” 

His mouth quirked, a knowing smile splayed across his face…”Aye well finding ye was one thing Sassenach…but I am vera greedy when it comes to ye…just seeing ye isna enough.”

I choked back that retort and attempted to change the subject, “I kept in touch with Jenny but I had asked her not to mention you, she must have thought me awful.”

He just shook his head and gave a half laugh. “nay sassenach, Jenny wanted to hang me by the balls for hurting ye, she kent full well why ye left.”

I could feel the red creeping up my face and I shuffled forward on the couch downing the rest of my glass and pouring another, Jamie covered his glass with his hand, when I offered.

“I asked Jenny to tell me where ye were, but she wouldna…” a smile that reached his eyes.

“She told me that if I had any notion of going after ye, I would need to be fully better, it would be too much to expect of ye, after what I did and I needna be a dropout from university without a prospect to my name either.” He raised his ruddy eyebrows sarcastically “never one to mince her words is our Janet.”

I giggled remembering Jenny’s bossy nature. Jamie stood suddenly and started to shuffle for something in his jacket pocket. “that’s why I went back finished my postgrad…she told me I needed to finish it before I went to looking for ye….then on my graduation day she gave me this.” He reached out his hand and handed me a beautiful mens gold watch. I looked at it and said its lovely Jamie. I looked carefully at the detail on the watches face. 

“Turn it around.” He instructed, “Jenny inscribed it”.

I turned the watch around and in very delicate calligraphy writing was an engraved message.

‘Congratulations on having a brain A Brathair, Now go find Claire. My love always, Janet.’


	10. Mine.

Thanks go as always to @balfeheughleywed, yesterday was crap and I didn’t feel a bit like writing but she motivated me. Also to @claryclarke for the sales pitch on this fic and reassurance. 

“you have has much tact as a toddler on a sugar rush.” I scolded Rupert. “We” I ran my hands between Rupert and me to illustrate the we “ made an agreement that you would tell me if Jamie was coming over and did you? No! And not only did you not tell me but you arranged for him to come for pre drinks here whie Cathal is here!” I hissed.

I was frazzled, sweaty and my smokey eye make up was starting to remind me of Helena Boham Carter after a hard night. 

Geillis had bought up a table at a hospital Gala in aid of the Paediatric ward, inviting a gang of friends.

Cathal was on nights so couldn’t, but was heading to work from my apartment as he had stayed the night before. What I didn’t know was that Rupert had invited said group of friends for pre drinks resulting in a cringing clash of Jamie and Cathal standing in the same space for longer than five minutes.

Anxiety was creeping out of my every pore, luckily Cathal was still having a shower in my bathroom and neither of them were aware of the others presence. I however was very much aware.

Rupert pouted “yer making me all stressy before I go out Clairebear and I dinna like it, it upsets my equilibrium and I canna enjoy my dinner or I get reflux”

I rolled my eyes “you’re an adult you get heartburn not reflux, and I have never seen you refuse a meal, now bring these drinks out and stop making me angrier.”

Rupert scampered and I busied myself getting more bottles of beer from the fridge, when I felt a hand low on my back and a soft “Hi” in my ear, I turned to see Jamie smiling at me, eyes twinkling. Christ!

Since the night me and Jamie talked, my defensive attitude around him had slipped somewhat, nothing inappropriate but there was a growing warmth in our behaviour, and I found myself levitating towards him more than was strictly good for me or for him.

“Hi!” I said my voice pitchy, excitable. I was busily grabbing beers from the fridge, in an effort to not look at him. “Are ye ok Sassenach?” Jamie looked at me an amused glint in his eye, “ye look a little peaky?”

“Perfect, couldn’t be better and you?” I mumbled, hurriedly now polishing glasses and examining them in great detail, a task I am fairly sure I hadn’t partook in before.

“Oh aye, I am braw” Jamie answered a little huskily, “all the better for seeing ye in that dress” I raised my eyebrow at him warningly and tilted my head. “Jamie stop that”

“What!” he widened his eyes like Bambi feigning innocence.  
“I did buy it for ye, no?”

Oh god he had, I’d completely forgotten. I owned so few dresses for these type of occasions, choosing one that Jamie had bought me wouldn’t be hard.

I gave him a nervous smile “Oh right so you did”. There was silence and I heard his voice behind me saying “I took it off ye too, if I recall correctly” A tingle ran straight down my spine, finishing between my legs, followed by an equally strong wave of shame.

“Jamie!” I said through gritted teeth, while turning to face him. “Stop!”

He quirked his eyebrows in a suggestive way and smiled smugly, while taking a sip on his bottle of beer. The look alone almost undid me. “That is not appropriate”, I managed to choke out.

I held Jamie’s gaze for a minute, transfixed to the spot. Suddenly Cathal’s voice crashed through our reverie, “Babe…” Jamie eyes creased in confusion, “I dinna ken he was here” he said gruffly. Cathal’s voice was getting closer…have you seen my trainers, I threw them under the bed last night…” his voice trailed off as he rounded the kitchen door and spotted Jamie leaning against the kitchen counter. 

Jamie stood glued to his spot, not willing to budge as to not show disadvantage, Cathal stood stock tall for a minute taking Jamie in then tilted his head slightly, crinkled his chin in contemplation and said “Jamie, isn’t it?” Jamie nodded but kept his arms folded in front of him, loosely holding his bottle of beer. “Aye, that’s right.” He didn’t offer his hand or use Cathal’s first name, the volume dropped to and almost eerie quiet, asides from the chatter in the living room. Jamie’s eyes narrowed so slightly no one else would notice, but I did, I thought my head may implode from the tension bouncing around the room. “Trainers babe?” I said looking at Cathal to distract him, Cathal all of a sudden remembering I was in the room, snapped his head back to me and his expression instantly softened. “You look amazing Claire” he bent down slowly kissing my cheek, but lingered at my ear, “I fucking love that dress on you.” It was meant to be said intimately into my ear but in my small kitchen galley you would need to have been tone deaf not to hear. I felt rather than saw Jamie stiffen, his shoulders tensed but he didn’t budge, it would have been easy for him to slip away quietly so I knew his staying was deliberate, territorial almost. I was just grateful he didn’t claim the dress.

Cathal slowly straightened up again, eyes still intent and smiling at me, without fully turned to look at Jamie, he exhaled and said “the last time we met mate, I didn’t realise you were an ex of Claire’s, how bloody awkward hmm?” Cathal said it laughing, jeering almost and it wasn’t lost on Jamie. “Aye that is one word for us.” Jamie said his voice low, deliberate and octave above a growl. 

Cathal nodded but I could see by his face he recognised Jamie’s rebuke, “What brought you to London then Jaamie?” Cathal pulled a bottle of water from the fridge and took a gulp, eyes focused on Jamie all the while. 

“Love.” Jamie said without flinching, a whistling sound a kin to something a squirrel would make rose from the back of my throat without any awareness on my part in the sound.

Cathal’s mouth was slightly agape when Jamie gave him a smile that didn’t reach his eyes and continued “always loved London, don’t you maaate being a Londoner and all?” the mate was pronounced the same as the first day Jamie had met Cathal, mocking. 

I cleared my throat and said “god its hot isn’t it? Rupert always leaves the bloody heating on too long…I could kill him” I started searching the kitchen wall for the heating thermostat but really I needed the wall as structural support. 

Jamie snorted and said “Christ Sassenach do ye remember the heating in our old flat in Edinburgh, an eskimo would have moved out…” still facing the wall I giggled nervously, not really hearing what he was saying and said “oh ya…” 

“Aye just as well we knew how to stay warm.” My head snapped around so quick and I shot him the filthiest of looks. “With blankets and the like” he said sarcastically.

Cathal having heard quite enough leveraged closer to me, leaned over the length of my body and clicked off the thermostat, “it’s off babe, I don’t want the apartment to catch up in flames while you’re out or il have to come round in my uniform again and put it out…” he stuck his tongue out slightly and smiled at me, I slapped him on the chest gently and said “ha ha”. A bead of sweat ran down my back, and Jamie made a grunting sound before standing straight, finishing his beer in one swallow and said “We really should make tracks Claire.” Cathal’s moved slightly and said “Listen mate…”

Before he could finish Rupert’s voice bellowed through the apartment. “Ubers are here people…dinna dally…this is no a drill…move move move”

We were ushered out onto the pavement outside the flat and divided up into ubers.   
Cathal came out to see me off, kissing me soundly before squeezing my bum and opening the door of the uber. None of it went unnoticed by Jamie, who watched on with a look of disdain. I half wondered if they would like each other under different circumstances.

By the time we reached the hotel, most of the gang were giggly and tipsy. I had some serious catch up to do as up to this my nerves hadn’t let anything past my lips. Rupert sat down beside me at the round table, Jamie suddenly appeared at his shoulder with a round of drinks in hand, he kicked the back of Rupert’s chair, growled something out of the side of his mouth and Rupert moved quickly down a couple of seats.

Jamie placed the drinks down and took up Rupert’s seat, smiling sweetly at me.   
“What are you doing?” I asked raising my eyebrows at him. “Sitting beside ye” Jamie quipped as a matter of fact “What does it look like?” I didn’t respond but gratefully took a gulp of the drink he handed me, and browsed the set dinner menu, suddenly ravenous. 

Jamie rested his arm around the back of my chair and opted to speak to me by leaning in close, whispering into my ear until I could feel his mouth on my skin. My stomach was clenching pleasantly and I held onto the underseat of my chair to stop me running my hand down his thigh. 

There was a new boldness about him, a deliberate change in the way he acted around me. His eyes were holding nothing back when they looked at me, and I found myself glancing away more often than not as I was unsure how to treat their intensity. 

 

Gellis during a lull at the table, leaned forward and said “fox ye have not stopped whispering in Claire’s ear all night, what is the secret?” she fluttered her eyelashes innocently, Jamie splayed a knowing smirk across his face and said “Claire holds all my secrets Gellis.” Gellis mouth hung open slightly but she gave him a little impressed nod. Mary Hawkins gawked at me for a minute but I turned away pulling at Jamie’s sleeve saying “Stop I will be the talk of the hospital on Monday!”  
Jamie took the advantage of my hand near his wrist and entwined my hand in his under the table “Dance with me?”

I shook my head, my mouth opening to say “no” when he leaned in close and whispered “please just one dance so I can hold ye without ruining yer good name.” He pulled back so I could see that his lips had curled into a smile, and his eyebrow cocked in question. His eyes were big dark pools desire obvious in them, he was not hiding them from me. A pain jolted over where my heart rested followed by a sudden familiar clenching in my tummy, leaving heat behind.

I sighed and said “ok, one dance”, he gave me a slight bow and proceeded to pull me up and onto the dancefloor. 

I aimed for a rather respectful position, bracing his forearm, but Jamie pulled me flush with him, hooking my hand over and around his shoulder. I had been holding my other hand in his pointing out the way. Jamie however pulled our entwined hands in and snaked them between our chests, His hand rested low on my back. We had danced in this same stance many times before. A haunting version of Iris was playing and it just allowed for the gentlest rhythm between our bodies. Jamie sighed contentedly, breathing in softly next to my hair. As much as I wanted to resist him, to pull back. I was lulled next to his big strong body, yearning to be close to him.

 

I felt a rumble in my ear but I couldn’t make out what he said, so I raised my head to look up at him. His eyes locked on mine, and he smiled down at me, “I have missed this.” He said softly. I shook my head,”Jamie we shouldn’t even be dancing like this…it’s not….” For lack of the word I was searching for I settled on “right.”

He smiled incredulously, and his hand left mine between our chests, wandering up my neck to cup my cheek, his other firm on my back, holding me close. “You are the most right thing in my life Claire…I will no apologise for it.” His eyes glanced to my mouth and I knew where is lips were heading before he moved. I had to stop it before I was engulfed by his warmth and wouldn’t be able to come back from it.

My hand rose and circled the wrist of his hand that was cupping my face. “Stop” I said softly, suddenly tears flooded my eyes. His face took on a look of alarm, “I’m sorry Claire I dinna mean to upset ye…please….its ok.” I gently pulled away and said “I just need some air, just leave me be. I’m ok.” 

His eyes were frantically searching my face; I turned and fled the dance floor. Passing a very drunk Rupert and Co at the bar drinking shots. I kept my head down and rushed past them, afraid they would lure me into their huddle. 

I found an fire exit door along the corridor, I hit the bars and pushed my way out into a deserted courtyard. The cold air was like an electric shock and my teeth began to chatter instantly. I rubbed my forearms up and down, trying to steady my breathing. I dabbed at my eyes to still the tears threatening to fall, I sat up against a wall inhaling deeply and exhaling slowly, I continued like that for some time, a calmness creeping into my chest. 

Jamie had left me completely rattled, the draw to him was intense, I was petrified of it, what it meant, for me, for him and for Cathal. If I went down that road I could be hurt again, I didn’t think I would survive it a second time, or if I wanted to give him an opportunity to hurt me. 

Deep in my own thoughts, I didn’t hear the scraping of the big emergency doors until they were shutting again. A coat fell gently across my shoulders. Jamie sat beside me on the wall, he didn’t say anything for a few minutes and when he spoke, he reached down hesitantly and took my hand “I’m sorry I shouldna have put you in that position, I ken it made you feel uncomfortable…is wasna my intention Claire, truly. I just…I canna seem to help it when I see ye I want ye, when I am not with ye…I want ye…it never stops, there is no rest from it.” He shrugged his shoulders his defeat.

I glanced over at him, waering his white suit shirt since he had given me his suit jacket, his beautiful auburn hair flopped about his forehead as he looked at the ground downcast. My heart hurt for him, I could see how he felt rejected. I found myself attempting to explain, “…it’s just Cathal doesn’t deserve to hear that I was making out with you at a Gala dinner or even dancing like we were, no matter what you think he is a wonderful man and I can’t do that …” I trailed off. He nodded in understanding, biting his bottom lip.

His head rose and he looked at me earnestly, “have I any hope with ye Claire?....is it him ye want?” A rock seemed to have formed in my stomach, “I don’t know” I croaked out.”

Jamie nodded again but pushed himself from the wall and stood in front of me, legs slightly apart, his face intent. He took my hand and drew me up to stand in front of him, placing my hand tentatively over his heart. “Do ye feel that?” He asked. I nodded feeling his heart beating at an alarmingly fast pace, 

“when I am near ye or I think of ye my heart almost bursts out of my chest… When I used to wake in the night and remember ye were gone, my heart beat like that too”…his hand slowly lowered to his stomach bringing mine with it, “when I am not near ye or ye turn from me, my waim clenches in pain right there.” 

He then used his hand to run mine across the expanse of his stomach “and when ye are near me and happy… all here”, indicating his stomach. “fills with a warmth I canna explain, it almost burns.”

Jamie’s hand pulled mine up to his neck where I could feel his adams apple bobbing as he spoke. “when ye say something to me, that might mean ye willna be apart of my life anymore…this gets stuck right here…and I canna speak.”

He continued to pull my hand up to his eyes “and when I think back to what I did to loose ye, these weep cause I canna bare to be the man that hurt ye.” He swallowed hard and I could feel the emotion threatening to spill out through his eyes.

“Jamie…” I said pleadingly. “Every bit of my body works only and becaue of you Claire”, his hand dropped from holding mine in place but I left my hand just at his temple beside his eye, my other went up to cup his cheek forcing him to look at me. 

“I love you” I said in a whisper, “I’m just not sure if I can love you like I did before…”.

“I will do anything Claire…”  
His forehead tentatively came to rest against mine both our breathing quickened at the close proximity. Jamie’s hands rose and cupped my cheeks, our eyes locked on the other, his thumb was caressing the prominent bone high on my cheeks, continuing down until he rested his thumb on my lips, sweeping across the bottom lip, my eyes shut of their own inclination. He said my name in a breath “Claire.” I opened my eyes to look into his just in time to see his lips coming for mine, I bridged the distance and our mouths met in a flurry. A low moan falling from Jamie’s mouth. He gently prised my lips apart and touched my tongue with his, his mouth was warm and soft and as he titled his head to take in more of me, he ran his hands from my cheeks to the back of my neck pulling me closer. 

I ran my arms up into the nape of his neck standing on tip toe to meet him full on, somewhere at the back of my mind I knew it was wrong, knew I had to stop but I couldn’t I was melting into him…our mouths were hungry and our breaths short. He pushed me up against the wall, his hands running down the expanse of my body resting on my hips. I bit his bottom lip and he clutched me closer, cupping my arse so I could feel the solid hardness between his trousers and my silk dress. I was drunk on him and I had to sober up quickly or I would find myself with my dress rucked up around my waist and begging Jamie to take me. His desperation was clear, but in a low growl he stammered out “god Claire” between kisses. There was an urgency building and before things went to a point of no return I pulled away.

I managed to choke out “stop…Jamie” Jamie inched away from my mouth, gasping for breath, leaving our foreheads pressed together, “we can’t” I whispered.

“Does he ken I am in love with ye?” Jamie asked breath still coming short.

I shook my head.

“Well ye better tell him Claire…because I am here to fight for ye and I dinna intend on hiding it”


	11. Confront

I had text Cathal to say we needed to talk he must have sensed there was something wrong as he arrived shortly after his shift had finished, coffee and bagels in hand. The snores emanating from Rupert’s room assured me he was sound asleep and afforded us some privacy.

 

“Sit down” I said gesturing to the kitchen table, he looked at me questioningly “It sounds serious?” I gave him a nervous smile and tried to cure my dry mouth with a sip of coffee. 

 

“I am afraid that it is a bit…” I trailed off. I contemplated where to start but I knew it had to start with last night, which would color everything else for Cathal he needed to know what I had done.

 

“Something happened with Jamie and me last night” I spat out. His eyebrows almost hit the ceiling, he gritted his teeth and said “did he hurt you?”

 

Guilt plummeted around my weak heart and I shook my head, biting my lip. “No no he didn’t hurt me, we…I …we kissed.” It sounded juvenile but it was as near as I could get to what happened without telling Cathal I almost burned up in Jamie’s hands.

 

 

His mouth opened and closed again, he said nothing for a few moments and then he nodded his head, not meeting my eye “I see.” He said fatly. 

 

“I am so sorry, I should never have let it happen…I was…well I don’t know what I was thinking to let you down like that.”

 

“Let me down? He repeated incredulously “I feel like I have been punched in the stomach Claire!”

 

I fiddled with my fingers, eyes down “I’m so sorry truly…him coming to London has had a greater effect on me than I acknowledged to you and it’s brought back a lot of the past.”

 

“You mean cheating is he showing you how to be good at it?” He stood up from the table “The dummies book at cheating….that kind of thing?” Cathal’s eyes narrowed and something like a sneer formed on his lips. I couldn’t blame him for being angry, I deserved it all. 

 

“Did you fuck him?”

 

“No I told you we kissed.” 

 

“Did you want to?”

 

“Cathal” I said pleadingly “I told you what happened.”

 

“I am guessing that is because you did…”

 

A silence descended on the small kitchen, Cathal paced over and back, arms folded. Eventually he said softly “I should have seen this coming, known he would try and manipulate you like this….given how he treated you in the past.”

 

“Cathal…the version you have of Jamie isn’t necessary true…he isn’t a manipulator…he isn’t perfect at all but I think I am clever enough to know when I am being manipulated?” I crooked an eyebrow at him. “I am so sorry about what happened but you have to accept that it wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t let it…”

 

I looked at him earnestly, he gave me something resembling a nod and ran his hand over the countertop hypnotically, he was troubling his bottom lip, deep in thought. 

 

“Claire…look I am not saying I forgive you what you have done… but these things can happen with ex’s and you told me yourself that you and Fraser shared a big past.”

 

I nodded, not sure where Cathal was going with this. “The main thing is” he continued, “that you regret it.”

 

I swallowed hard. Knowing the next sentence was going to be difficult. Tears were starting to sting the back of my eyes conscious what I said next would really hurt Cathal. “I regret how it happened…I shouldn’t have behaved like that while still with you, but the thing is Cathal I would be lying if I said there weren’t feelings there that triggered ….well…us doing…what we did.” I choked out eventually.

 

His hands wrapped around his coffee cup his eyes cast down again, “Does he want you back?” I nodded solemnly and croaked out “yes” 

 

“And what do you want?” I looked at him not really sure what he was asking. “Do you want him, is that what this is about”

 

I shook my head, “I know it’s not what you want to hear but I don’t know what I want, my head is a mess and I am not going to do this to you so…”

 

He cut across me “but you are unsure...do you not think that speaks volumes Claire”

 

“Cathal” I said warningly “I am unsure because we split up under horrible terms and now he here and it’s hard not to see that person you loved….I don’t want to be working through those feeling and still committed to you…you deserve better, and I can’t help the way I feel.” 

 

He slammed his fist into the counter top, glaring at me, “You said yourself you are don’t know, it could all be nostalgic bullshit and you’ll realise why you left that prick in the first place.” I could see his chin tremble with the effort of reigning in his emotion, he stood and walked in front of me, holding me gently by my forearms and looking straight into my eyes.

 

“I love you Claire and I am not going to lose you because that fucker has decided to show up here after two years and claim you.”

 

I bent my head shamefully “I know that and off course you must be furious, I don’t blame you one bit…I am not here to make excuses for Jamie but he has had reasons for only showing up now.”

 

Cathal’s eyes narrowed, I could see the fury building in him over my defense of Jamie.

 

“Does he? Well I don’t fucking care what his reasons are!”

 

He let out a long shaky sigh, struggling to reign in his temper and emotion. “We were really happy up to this weren’t we?”

 

I stammered out “yes we were.”

 

“Claire this is just feelings being dragged up from your past, there is a reason you left him…don’t make that mistake of thinking it was meant to be or….”

 

I slid away from his hold putting distance between us, “Cathal, Jamie was hugely important to me….I loved him….” Without adequate words to describe my love for Jamie I finished lamely “a lot.” Him coming back has turned my mind and my heart upside down and I am not going to be sorting through that crap while still with you…you don’t deserve it.”

 

He opened his mouth to interrupt but I stopped him, “I can’t go on seeing you Cathal…I need to sort myself out or I will end up hating myself even further for continuing to hurt you.”

 

He didn’t say anything for a long time I could see his knuckles had gone white balling his hands into fists at his side. “It didn’t take much did it, from him to twist things …” 

 

“Cathal, Jamie isn’t using mind games, he is a decent person…yes he has been straight about how he feels but I don’t think he has sinister motive!”

 

“Was he a decent person when he went home with another woman Claire” he growled at me. “Well was he?”

 

I shook my head sadly and said “no he wasn’t, but he wasn’t himself then…”

 

“Oh for fucks sake Claire do you even hear yourself, Jesus!”

 

We stood there staring at each other, neither willing to back down.

 

There would be no excusing Jamie’s behavior to Cathal and no point in me infuriating him further by trying.

 

 

Suddenly he lifted his head and said “I will be here Claire, work this out in your head because I think you will realise that he is not worth throwing away what we have…”

 

My mouth fell open agape, I was expecting a number of things from Cathal this wasn’t one of them. Seeing my expression he smiled “The minute you know you’re being an idiot for even considering him, I will be here waiting.”

 

“Cathal” I choked out, before I could respond there was a loud knock on the apartment door, my body went rigid. I didn’t have too many callers this early on a Sunday morning and this was not an ideal time to be entertaining.

 

 

I anxiously padded out to the front door, opening it to reveal my biggest fear, Jamie wearing a huge smile, holding two coffee cups, my eyes were wide in panic, I shook my head furiously from side to side at him, Jamie just returned my look with a confused face and said “what is wrong with ye Sassenach?”

 

He had only a moment to steel himself; he must have anticipated what was coming as he thrusted the coffees at me just before Cathal lunged bodily at him, growling “you’ve a fucking cheek mate.” 

 

Cathal pushed Jamie up against a wall in the corridor, his hands at his neck. Jamie must have punched him into the stomach as following some interaction near that area, Cathal bent over winded, before Jamie managed to push him against the opposite wall, Cathal retaliated by throwing a punch, thereafter it was hard to decipher what was happening as Jamie threw a responding punch and they hit the floor. I tried pulling one off the other but both of them were big men and I didn’t stand a chance, I legged it into Rupert’s room shoved him hard in the shoulder and said “get up Cathal and Jamie are killing each other.”

 

He looked at me completely dazed but rose himself none the less, muttering under his breath about me being nothing but trouble. Rupert pulled Jamie off Cathal, with a great deal of effort, he held Jamie by the forearms and I could hear him hissing something in Gaelic trying to calm him. I stood in front of Cathal checking him for injuries, he definitely was going to have a black eye and had several cuts and grazes.

 

I was afraid to turn and look at Jamie in case I aggravated things further. Cathal nodded his head over my shoulder, through gasped breaths said “If you can’t see through that prick then I can…” 

 

“ye ken nothing about me so I wouldna make presumptions…” Jamie hissed

 

“Jamie” I said exasperatingly “please don’t…”

 

“You will see Claire” Cathal said with certainty “that he will let you down just like he did before….I will be here when you work that out.”

 

“I dinna think so maaate” Jamie growled snidely 

 

I turned to Jamie “Will you go.” 

 

Jamie hands clenched in fists at his side, but he couldn’t hide the despondency at what he seen as my rejection of him, off course that wasn’t the case but Cathal was the innocent party in all of this and I had to see that he was ok.

 

I thought Jamie was about to protest but after a pause he nodded, gave me one inscrutable look, shrugged himself free of Rupert and said “as you say Claire” 

 

Cathal glared at him as he walked by, turning and said “she only did it out of pity.”

 

I shoved him and said “stop that is enough”, when I looked back Jamie was gone. 

 

 

 

After Cathal left my apartment I sank onto my bed and sobbed, trying to understand how I had made such a mess of everything. Resenting how complicated my life had become since Jamie’s reappearance. I loathed that I had become exactly what had destroyed me two years ago and I grew angrier at Jamie for showing up this morning, fighting with Cathal, but mostly for turning my very carefully re built life up on its head.

 

As the hours passed a dawning realisation eventually fell over me. My life might be upside-down but would I feel truly feel better if Jamie wasn’t in it? Since he had shown up in London, I had been miserable at his reappearance but once he had crept back into my life and shown me his heart it was like my world had been turned on its axis, I knew I wanted him, needed him, what was upsetting me was that I hated that I did. Once I could pin point the reason for my distress, a sense of calm crept in. I didn’t want to want him but I couldn’t help it. 

 

I crept out of bed, and padded out to the sitting room. Rupert lay sprawled across our sofa, winter sun lighting his face, his eyes transfixed on the tv. His head snapped around when I came into the room “are ye alright lass?” he asked softly. I just nodded. He was kind enough not to mention my blotchy cheeks and red eyes. “Will I make ye some food?” I shook my head “em no thanks…I was actually wondering if you would tell me Jamie’s address?”

Rupert’s eyes widened slightly, “Do ye think that is a good idea, after the stramish this morning?”

“I need to speak with him, I didn’t even check if he was ok…I had to see to Cathal…I” 

Rupert cut across me “Ye dinna need to explain yourself to me Claire…you do what is best for ye”?

He wrote down something on a piece of paper and handed it to me, “although I will no deny that Jamie will be anxious to see ye….and he is my clan after all” Rupert winked dramatically at me. 

I smiled gratefully at him “Thank you.”

 

 

It was about an hour later, showered and less bedraggled I knocked nervously on Jamie’s door. When he opened it his eyes widened in astonishment. “Clearly not expecting me then?” I asked sheepishly.

“No lass I canna say I was.” He croaked out. He was wearing tracksuit bottoms and t-shirt, hair tussled on top of his head, he had a swollen bottom lip and a bruise developing across his jaw.

His lips curled into a half smile and he widened the door to allow me entry. Once inside the flat I was hit instantly with a wave of nostalgia, so many of our things from Edinburgh were strewn across the room, a patchwork quilt that I had bought in a flea market, was thrown over the back of his couch, an ugly ceramic statue of a tiger we bought while drunk on a weekend away together sat centre fold beside his gas stove, my books were still on his bookshelves and a charcoal sketch Ellen had done of me and Jamie while we were unawares was now framed and hung on a wall inside the living room. 

Jamie must have seen my dazed expression because when my eyes stopped wandering around the flat, he was rubbing the back of his neck self-consciously, a pinkness climbing his cheeks from his neck. I ran my hand over the ceramic statue, “I’m surprised you didn’t dump this, you hated it!”

Jamie shook his head,” if it was yours it stayed…”even if it is the ugliest cheetah I ever saw” a shy smile lit up his face.

“Do ye want something to drink? Will ya sit?” he asked hurriedly. I shook my head instead I crossed the room and put my hand to his face, “that is a nasty cut, you should put something on it” he shrugged his shoulders “I’m fine Sassenach, it’s nothing that will no heal” when I looked up he was gazing down at me tenderly, “I am sorry I asked you to go earlier, I just didn’t know how to control what was happening…and I…thought things might get heated again…”

He shrugged his shoulders and said “Ye have every right, he is yer boyfriend after all…”

I stood back, folding my arms and stared at a spot on the floor not meeting his eye. 

 

“I need time Jamie.” I said in no more than a breath. “My mind is a mess….I….don’t know what I want or what I should want more accurately.”

 

He nodded solemnly, “I ken Claire…I am sorry I can’t imagine it is easy what I am asking of ye, I had no right to hurt the lad.”

“no you didn’t.” I said sternly, “He didn’t do anything to you.”

 

Jamie shook his head disbelievingly “not done anything to me? Are ye mad Claire? He has you, he gets you every day and every night when all I can do is dream of ye!” his voice trembled with emotion. 

I swallowed hard shifted uneasily from foot to foot, “I have asked Cathal for a break.” I spluttered out. Jamie’s head shot up his lips turning slightly upwards, eyes wide. “I need to work things out in my head and I can’t hurt him like that.”

Jamie took a step forward reaching for me, “I am not promising you anything Jamie, a lot has happened…there are things that might not be fixable.”

He nodded eagerly “I will wait Claire, for however long it takes.”


	12. Only you.

“Will ya stay a while?” Jamie asked as I turned to leave his apartment, when I quirked my eye at him, he added hurriedly “just to talk I mean…” a pink colour filling his cheeks amusing me. “Ok” I replied softly “Just for a little while. 

He took my coat and nervously hovered over me.

“Will ya sit? So I can speak to ye, I have some things I would like to say,.” I nodded and he guided me towards the couch, he disappeared into his kitchen for a minute and returned with two tumblers with what I suspected was whiskey. “I have no wine.” He said apologetically.

I took the whiskey “this is good, thank you.”

He sat on the couch beside me, his arm draped loosely across the back, the other holding the tumbler on his lap and his long legs stretched out in front of him.

“I should have checked before calling like that this morning, I ken I only made things worse for ye.”

I nodded “it wasn’t the best moment, I had just told Cathal what had happened between us and ….well then you showed up.”

Jamie bit his bottom lip, “I’m sorry…its just well…after last night, I had to see ye and all logic went out of the window….” 

“I feel terrible to betray him like that, it goes against every moral code I possess.”

Jamie nodded, “I honestly don’t think we could help it Claire, but I do ken that, I do.”

“Do you really though, because the irony is not lost on me that you believed that once Jamie, you believed I had done the same to you…and that is partly why we are in this mess…”

 

Jamie looked into his glass for a moment before continuing “I…started suspecting something was going on between ye and him long before I…well I did what I did.”

“for how long?” I asked quietly. 

He met my gaze, “do ye remember after ye came home from getting yer hair cut short?” 

His hand rose slowly and touched my hair, eyes glinting tenderly while he watched me. “Yes” I replied lowering my gaze slightly “you were quite enamoured with it as I recall?”

A broad smile broke out on his face and he stretched himself, “Oh god I was aye….if I ken rightly we spent the rest of the day in bed?” colour filled my cheeks and I glanced demurely downwards, Jamie just scoffed and continued. “Anyways…as we were lying there in bed…I asked ye why you cut it…do ye remember?” I nodded. “you reminded me you needed it cut for Bosnia?”  
“Yes” I replied weakly. “Well I ken ye remember the argument that happened then and I’m no proud of it but if I am honest that is when it started for me…”

I recalled the argument. Jamie has asked me not to go to Bosnia, he was convinced that something would happen me; it was because of Willie’s sudden death.

“It was silly really something I would have gotten over in time, it was just fear of something happening to ye…death was a big fear for me after Willie, I couldna bear the thought not having you with me…but I reacted badly.”

I nodded, “I tried to pull out of it but I would be letting the other medical students down that I was traveling with.” I admitted.

“Aye I ken.” He said wryly. My head shot up “I never told you I was thinking of not going?”

No he shook his head “but Tom did”, my eyes widened. “What?”

Tom was my classmate and one of the medical students that would be traveling to Bosnia with me, a friend, and more importantly the man Jamie convinced himself I was sleeping with.

“Aye he called around one day yer were no home, said I was holding ye back that I was using ye as a crutch…that if I loved ye I wouldn’t treat ye in such a way, making ye reconsider Bosnia.”

He sat forward suddenly on the couch “Its only now Claire…with a clear mind that I can see that more than likely he was in love with ye and was just trying to protect ye from what he seen as an awful man…who dinna appreciate ye, and I ken that was no far from the truth at the time…since Willie died anyway”

I opened my mouth to protest, but he waved his hand dismissing me, “its no matter now, it was no your fault he was in love with ye and I ken now you dinna even suspect it”

He sighed deeply and ran his hand through his hair, “but ye see from then on I couldna get rid of the idea that ye must have given him reason to feel that way about ye…and that is when the trouble really started…and for those weeks while ye were gone, and once ye returned I was convinced that ye were sleeping with him, maybe in love with him too” he pressed his lips together and rolled the tumbler around in his hand.

“God Claire I am half afraid to tell ye the things I did in case ye will run out of here and no come back.”

I was about to say that won’t happen but he continued talking.

“But there has to be truth between us….so I need to tell ye.”

“I was obsessed by it, you and him.” He exhaled and I heard the tremble in his breathing. My stomach tightened with unease.

“I hated myself so much over what happened Willie, I dinna believe anyone would want me, and especially not you, cause you kent I could not save him.”

“Jamie” I said reaching for his hand to squeeze, “you know now that it wasn’t your fault.” He nodded, his throat bobbed as he struggled to swallow.

 

“I was fixated” he continued, “Checked yer messages on your phone, listened to your voicemails, He scoffed, running his hands through his hair, “I’d follow ye sometimes when I was really bad….” 

I had an idea, Jamie had grown moody, introverted, questioning me constantly, completely unlike him. “I was aware you were suspicious” I said carefully.

He nodded “aye, god I am mortified even saying it out loud; I have only ever told the counsellor and you.”

“Go on” I encouraged, 

Another sigh and this time he peered into his tumbler as if to see if there was anything floating in it.

“that night ye told me that I was driving ye crazy…that ye were going away for a couple of days?” he glanced at me quickly for cognizance.

I blinked and tipped my head to continue, “Well I followed ye and ye went to his house.”

I opened my mouth to protest, but he put up his hand quickly “I ken now Claire ye dinna delay there…but at the time I believed ye were staying with him,I watched ye go in and then it was like my world exploded I went to a pub and got steaming drunk, foul temper and pity fuelling me.”

He bowed his head slowly “well ye ken what I went onto do ….” He trailed off. “But then on the Sunday morning Jenny kept ringing and ringing my phone…I barely remember answering it I was so out of it…and I wasna half listening until she started bollocking me about you….I didn’t follow her for a minute…and then while she was giving out she said ye spent the weekend with her and mam.”

My throat was closing up imagining all that had happened that weekend, I vaguely wondered where Jamie was when he took that call…was he still with her?

He was absorbed in the story and I hadn’t the words to ask, so I just stayed silent.

“I started shouting at Jenny to tell me what time ye got there at…and when she told me I knew ye couldna have spent longer than a few minutes with him….in order to make Lallybroch at the time Jenny said.”

His head was bent, held up by his two hands, elbows resting on his knees, “Jesus Claire…I think the first thing I did was put down the phone and run to the toilet to throw up….pure panic.” 

My eyes filled with tears thinking of me coming back from Lallybroch full of hope, invigorated by Jenny and Ellen’s optimism that Jamie would be ok, that we needed to talk, sit down and thrash all our issues out, speak about his brother’s death how it was affecting him…I planned the whole way back to Edinburgh. No Idea that once I walked in the door Jamie would tell me he had picked up a girl in a bar and gone home with her. That he did it on the presumption I had cheated on him, and he was out of his mind with rage, jealousy or whatever I dismissed his reasons, I don’t think I even believed him because how could he expect me of cheating it was the furthest thing from the truth. 

“When ye walked in the door and I had to tell ye…god it was one of the hardest things I had ever done…cause I knew ye would leave and my heart was just broke…I remember thinking I was having a heart attack and I thought good cause I dinna want to live anyway.”

“Jamie” I said in a breath, He lifted his head and I could see his eyes were filled with tears, he gave a half laugh. “I was a fucking disaster…I dinna blame ye for running then and I won’t blame ye for running now…I hope to god ye won’t but I canna blame ye”

I ran my hand across the couch and put it on top of his. He sat like that for a long time.

Eventually I cleared my throat, “Jamie can I ask you something?” 

“aye off course, anything.” He squeezed my hand. 

“When Jenny rang you…were you still with that girl…at her place I mean?”

I don’t know why I had to know, torture perhaps. 

Jamie shook his head incredulously “God no I dinna stay with her Claire…I…I”

He stood up suddenly, and walked to the fireplace, his back turned to me. He sighed deeply, his head fell back slightly. 

“I dinna know if ye want to hear…but since ye asked that maybe I should tell ye about that night…”

“Jamie” I said cautiously “I don’t know how much I want to hear…”

He turned suddenly facing me, “I did go home with her aye and my intention was to…well ya ken my intention and things did happen to get to that point …”

My stomach wrapped in on itself.

“When it came down to it….”

He rasped his hands through his hair, “Its no a good idea to be too far gone on yer girlfriend if ye wanna cheat Sassenach…” he muttered wryly.

He ran his hand down the back of his neck, biting his bottom lip considering how to continue, “Do ye ken Claire, that ye only have to be in the same proximity as me but I’m aroused?”, his cheeks blushed a furious shade of red and I knew he was struggling to tell me what he needed to. His question was more rhetorical  
so I let him compose himself a little and continue. 

“Sex” he said bluntly, there is something about ye that drives me crazy, yer body calls me, when we lie together its ….I dinna even ken how to describe it only that I have never experienced anything like it before….”

I swallowed hard and nodded for him to continue. 

 

“Ye see I was angry and sore and I wanted to punish ye and that was enough to spur me on initially…but when I ….” He raised his eyes to heaven and ran both hands through his hair. “God this is hard to say, he said exhaling loudly.”

“well you had better” I muttered out. 

“its more than just being in love with you Claire, I respond to yer heart and yer body…ye make me hum with need.” Jamie paused and swallowed, “ in my anger…it dinna occur to me that well that another woman wouldn’t make me feel like that…”

He shook his head and sighed, “I dinna want her and when I looked down at her, I…I knew then it didna matter what ye had done…only yer body calls me like that, and when ye have that…that draw with someone…anything else is just a cheap imitation, I was drunk, stupid and angry…but I loved you, I love yer body, and the way it makes me feel, I love lie’n with ye, and I love when I can hold ye after and ya sleep in my arms…”

He paused for a moment “I couldna perform,” he said quietly. I blinked rapidly trying to make sure I understood, seeing my confusion he said “I was in her bed naked and not aroused, I dinna think I can make it any clearer.”

“Oh” I said rubbing my palms down my thighs nervously.

“Why didn’t you ever tell me this before?” my mouth suddenly dry.

“Claire…after ye found out what I did, would it really have made a difference that I fancied ye too much and subsequently could not bed another woman?”

I shook my head, “I suppose not… I didn’t exactly ask for details.”

“Aye” Jamie agreed grimly. He came and sat beside me again, rubbing his thumb over his palm tensely “I ken now what real jealousy is not just paranoid disillusionment.” He half grumbled under his breath.

I crooked my eye at him in question, and he snorted gloomily. “All that torment I put myself through with you and Tom, and it all in my imagination…then when I came to London and met you with Geillis outside the hospital, and Cathal came along putting his arm around ye…” Jamie bit his bottom lip, “god it’s consumed my mind since…picturing it, you with him day and night, him taking yer body… I wanted to kill ye for it….and I ken I have no right.”

Jamie took both my hands in his, turning to face me.

“Its so much more than just love Claire…yer the other half of me, in body and heart.”


	13. Baking

As always thank you to @balfeheughleywed for her constant support and sound understanding of what I am on about when I am not even sure.

“fuck fuck”, I was muttering under my breath, while sucking on a skin burnt thumb for the millionth time that morning.

“What the hell possessed ye to offer to no only bake a cake but that ye would bake a three layer cake with different bloody flavors.” Jamie scolded.

“And now look at ye, there is more flour on ye than there is in that bowl, yer rubbing at yer back like yer birthing something, ye’ve more skin burnt than not and to top it off Rupert would have been none the wiser if ye had told him you made a cake and bought one instead.” He folded his arms and tilted his head, in a reproaching fashion.

“Jamie” I said sighing “if you have just come around here to give out, I can assure you that there is more pressing things on my mind than what you think of me baking this fucking cake, I have 50 people coming here in less than four hours, I have to clean the apartment and I have to clean me before then!, my voice was pitchy and shriller than normal. Jamie took a step back, slightly startled at my outburst.

“alright dinna get cross, tell me what I can do to help?”

I pointed my spatula in his direction threateningly, “if you help, that means I won’t hear your scorn about poor Rupert’s birthday?”

Jamie snorted “poor Rupert my Scottish arse.” He huffed.

I gave him a warning glare, which he seemed to enjoy because he smiled broadly “aye Sassenach, ye have my word. I am here to support ye, no more lecturing.”

I stretched my hand behind me and rubbed my lower back, “thank you” I used the back of my other hand to rub my brow and blew up the way, removing the loose curls from my brow.

Jamie tilted his head and looked at me with a sort of amused sympathy.

“Ye look so bonnie with yer hair piled on yer head like that.” I rolled my eyes dismissively, in an attempt at deflecting attention, “I just feel bad I almost forgot his birthday with everything that has been going on.” I raised my eyebrows indicating that he was part of what had been going on.

Jamie’s head bowed slightly, “Sassenach the fact that the wee scotish bastard can count ye as a friend as well as a housemate means he is already winning at life, so dinna put too much pressure on yerself.”

“Oh ya” I said sarcastically “I can now add terrible friend, to things I am excelling at lately, which include cheating girlfriend and shit baker!”

“Claire” Jamie reproached softly, “ye are none of those things…so please dinna let me hear you speak of yerself like that.”

He reached out tentatively, took my hand and pulled me into his chest. “C’mere.”

A week had passed since Jamie and I spoke in his apartment, we had not discussed it any further, I had however silently accepted that I wanted to spend more time with him, I would never ask it of him but I was no longer forcing him and his attentions away. There was a significant shift in our relationship, a new rhythm that was allowing opportunity for tentative touch or a little more familiar conversation which sometimes teetered on flirtation. If I had to make a decision on what I wanted going forward I had to see how I felt in Jamie’s company and I tried to push away the guilt I felt at doing that. 

The hug he had just pulled me into was the first of its kind since the talk. It felt natural and crazy in equal measure.

Jamie’s caress after so long apart, still made me tingle from head to toe but now there was a nervous energy running between the two of us.

His hands came up and massaged my shoulder blades, “I will make us coffee and we can start on the next layer, then il sort out the furniture in the living room to make space, ye can go and have a shower hmm?

I nodded sheepishly. “thank you”

We moved steadily on to the next layer of the cake, a seemingly irresistible red velvet sponge. Jamie read out each stage in the recipe book carefully and had everything pre measured for me to mix. “You’re quite good at this,” I said watching him pouring out caster sugar carefully while his tongue hung outside his mouth slightly in concentration.

“Mam always said preparation is ninety percent of the work Sassenach!” he responded perkily. 

 

We moved companionably around the kitchen, Jamie measuring and prompting me when it was the next stage of the recipe. I noticed that I had two layers of cake, well under way in the oven and just the icing to complete…

“tsk” I heard Jamie scold behind me, ye are stirring that too much Sassenach ye will make it too thick if ye dinna stop.”

I raised my head indignantly, pointing my finger at him “it says in the book, that I should stir vigorously”. He crooked one eyebrow at me, Aye well ye will get repetitive strain industry if ya dinna quit soon.”

I gave him a suggestive smile; “I’m well used to a bit of rhythmic wrist action” I choked out giggling while wriggling my eyebrows.

Jamie’s eyes widened and he gave a low gravely chuckle that made my knees weaken. He moved one step closer to me and said “that is very bawdy talk for a respectable woman like yerself.”

I shrugged my shoulders dismissively “you’ve heard me say worse” which earned me two extremely raised eyebrows, as I was backed further up against the kitchen counter “and…” I said a little breathlessly “you have certainly seen me do worse.” His mouth fell open slightly and he made a low involuntary moan deep in his throat, on hearing it we both burst out laughing. “That is no fair Sassenach and ya ken it well.” He quirked an eyebrow at me, “and asides I can no take ye seriously ye have the buttercream icing all over yer face, were ye licking the bowl?”

I laughed and retightened my bun self-consciously gazing downwards, Jamie moved closer, his proximity making my body almost fizz with anticipation, He crooked a finger under my chin and tilted my head up to look at him. His thumb grazed over my bottom lip where I imagined the icing was, “Claire” Jamie whispered while still sweeping his thumb over and back my bottom lip, icing long gone.

“hmm?” I swallowed hard “I was wondering if it would be alright to kiss ye?”

My eyes steadily ran down from his blue eyes to his soft lips, “you didn’t ask the last time?” I stated curiously, my voice barely a whisper.

Jamie held my cheek in his palm, and his tongue darted out to wet his bottom lip, he chewed the same lip thoughtfully and I thought he was going to retreat, when he brought his other hand up and softly spoke into my ear. “I have even more to loose by reading the situation wrong this time Claire”, my name a breath from his lips.

 

“And what is the situation then?” My hands rose slowly between us and rested against his chest, pushing him away or drawing him near I wasn’t sure.

He sighed contentedly at my touch. 

“The situation…” he began, his chest rising and falling leadenly, and I thought my heart was coming out of my chest to meet his. “…is that whether we have said it or not there is something new between us…”

“new?” I asked, it came out closer to a whimper as Jamie trailed his fingers along my jawline. 

“Aye,” he replied surely “ye dinna run from my touch as much…”

I smiled, ever the intuitive man, Jamie had identified the one thing I was conscious of, not only did I not run from it, I craved it.

“Claire…”he whispered into my mouth, “I am going to kiss ye now ….ok?”

I nodded, no longer wanting to deny what I wanted. 

He bridged the distance and when his lips met my mouth, something started glowing from my insides out. His tongue sought mine and he fell up against the kitchen counter pushing me back with him, Jamie ran his tongue over my bottom lip and a whine like noise came from one of us. My hands ran up and into the nape of his neck and he pressed himself against the length of my body, his legs spreading slightly so he could bend towards me. Something a kin to desperation was building between us, I wanted more, impatiently so. His hands began a downward journey over my hips to cup my arse. 

When my own hands ran down the side of his hips and I hooked my fingers under the waistband of his jeans, seeking skin Jamie made a mewling noise and pressed himself harder against me.

“God Claire…” he said between breathless pants. “ye drive me to a state of madness.”

My hips were wriggling of their own inclination; I ran my hand down and over the bulge in his jeans, “is this where the madness builds?” I asked squeezing slightly. “Aye” he croaked out.

I crawled my fingers up over his hard length and unbuttoned the top button of his jeans, Jamie ran his hands up and under my vest top, rubbing his thumbs over my covered nipples “I want to bury my head here Claire…” he cupped both breasts to clarify where he wanted to bury them.

I slid my hands into his jeans, and Jamie made a hissing sound.

The front door banged suddenly and we jumped apart. Jamie scrambling to do up his jeans, Rupert’s loud Scottish drawl echoing through the apartment “Clairebear ima home….where are ye?” Jamie muttered something under his breath and scrubbed a hand over his face, exhaling loudly. When he saw me grin at him breathlessly, his face softened and he kissed me hastily before turning to the kitchen counter, head bent over the recipe book before Rupert bounded in on top of us.

I was acutely aware of my flushed cheeks and swollen lips, there was a drumming in my ears from the rise and fall of my chest in rapid succession, it didn’t go unnoticed that Jamie stayed head bent over the counter not looking at Rupert when he padded in. We were lucky Rupert was completely engrossed in his own agenda to pick up on our dishevelment. 

“Well” he said twirling rapidly “do ye like my overhall?” Rupert had spent the morning having a turkish shave and haircut ahead of his party and was positively sparkling. Jamie glanced up squinting at him, “Where have ye been when Claire has been stuck in this kitchen all morning?” 

Rupert completely unabashed “Claire told me to take myself off and have a wee pamper session…and that is what I did Jamie man….am I no lovely?”

Jamie raised his eyes to heaven and said “Ye are the biggest woman do ye ken that?”

Rupert ignoring Jamie’s teasing swayed around the kitchen dipping his fingers into bowls, while I slapped them away each time. “Stop it!” I scolded. 

“Did ye tell Jamie that his arch nemeses will be here?” Rupert asked casually, I saw Jamie’s head snap up, but he nodded slowly and said “no she didna have to, you told me…which ya ken fine well so stop annoying Claire about it.”

Rupert threw Jamie a shady look, “Aye well it was no me that annoyed her when ye were rolling around on the corridor out there trying to kill each other!”, I glanced quickly at Jamie, who nodded reassuringly and said “there will no be a repeat of that so dinna fret Rupert, ye will not get slapped in haste!”

Rupert grabbed a bottle of beer from the fridge “Claire do ye want a shower now or will I go ahead?” before I had a chance to answer Rupert’s face took a look of devilment, not meeting Jamie’s eye but winking furiously at me “….or we can do the usual and share the shower to save on the hot water?” 

Jamie made a growling sound, firing something at Rupert’s head and he legged it out of the kitchen sticking his tongue out in the process and laughing furiously.

Jamie and I couldn’t stop laughing, but as the laughter died in our throats, Jamie smiled at me coyly his eyes wide and intent. He placed one hand on my hip and drew me close, he was about to say something when Rupert started shouting about clean towels. 

“I better go…” I said trailing off, Jamie kept a hold of my hand and tugged me back when I tried to walk away, he traced a finger down and over my breasts letting his eyes follow it.

“that sound ye make….” Jamie said pushing a curl back behind my hair.

“What sound?” I asked brows creased in confusion.

He leaned down and into my ear, whispering “The wee sound ya make when ya come” his voice husky and sure.

My eyebrows almost hit the ceiling, “What?” I asked incredulously. 

Jamie lips curled up in a brazen smile “I want to hear ye make that sound in my ear over and over, until ye dinna remember anyone but me.”

I swallowed hard.

“Whenever or if ever yer willing…” He kissed me softly on the cheek “il see ye in an hour Claire, I’m going home to changed.”


	14. Jealous

There was a steady beat humming through the apartment, the place was filling up nicely and Rupert’s lovely belly laugh was bouncing from group to group welcoming guests.   
My body was still thrumming, I hated it but I couldn’t stop watching the door waiting for Jamie, a dangerous giddiness at seeing him seemed to be becoming a habit.   
I had spotted Cathal slip in to the apartment a few minutes earlier; Rupert had intercepted him and guided Cathal to a group in the far corner of the room. A breathable distance between us, but he had glanced over a few times trying to catch my eye. The most prominent emotion when I looked at Cathal was guilt, and the selfish realization that if I could avoid him I wouldn’t feel as guilty, especially giving the building desire coursing my body from another mans touch.  
The idea of Cathal and Jamie being in the same room filled me with dread but Rupert had insisted he couldn’t leave Cathal out, they had become friendly during the time we were together and obviously for Rupert there was never a question that Jamie wouldn’t be there.   
Deciding to bite the bullet I approached Cathal uneasily, a quick embrace where our hands touched fleetingly, Cathal’s palms were clamy, his movements fidgety.Cathal’s demeanor wasn’t helped by my cursory thank you for coming, Cathal folded his arms defensively

“I hear you have turned into quite the chef de patisserie?” he asked, eyes narrowed, “Well I wouldn’t say that” I began, Cathal looked thoroughly disintrested and threw his drink back in one shot, “Rupert said you had help?”   
I realized where he was going with the questioning which unfortunately made me blush a furious shade of red, as the image of me pressed against the kitchen counter by Jamie and my hands slipping into the front of his trousers. Cathal blew out through his cheeks and said “I could do with another drink.”

“Absolutely” I said a little too spritely, “Let me get you one…” Rupert shot me a calm down look, giving Cathal no chance to respond, I scurried towards the kitchen, stuffing my whole head in the fridge in the hope it would calm the color in my face.  
A warm big hand landed on the small of my back, I knew instinctively it was Jamie.  
I turned to face him; he looked so handsome, smelling even better wearing a crisp white tee and blue jeans, hair still slightly damp from his shower. It was hard not to smile. “Are ye sniffing me Sassenach?”   
“I am not” I replied indignantly. He didn’t seem to take offence either that or wasn’t paying attention to a word I was saying instead he looked down at my body appraisingly “Ye have gorgeous legs…did I ever tell you that before?” his eyes ran up and down my body, a contented smile on his face. “I am sure you mentioned it…” I said trying to pull the hem of my dress down over my thighs, a useless task as my dress was mid-thigh and not budging.  
“they are endless…” I rolled my eyes at him. “Will you stop.” Jamie gave me a huge grin, “Canna help it…” I returned to the fridge rummaging for the forgotten drink for Cathal and Rupert.  
Jamie braced his hand on the fridge door locking me into position, he leaned in close to my ear, steadying the full of his body against my back, “I wanted a quick word with ye?” “oh ya?” I remarked distractedly.   
“I ken that ye are fretful about me and yer ex being in the one room.” “Ex” emphasized clearly.  
“And I just wanted ye to ken…that I…”  
Before he had a chance to carry on I turned quickly to face him and quipped “Which ex?”  
I underestimated his proximity and was now boxed in very cozily between Jamie and the fridge.  
He gave me a distasteful look, “yer more recent one” his tone officious.  
I nodded demurely and smiled. ”Anyway as I was saying” he continued “ye need not worry I willna do anything to stress ye or make this anyway more awkward than it has to be.” He blinked twice which I assumed was meant as a wink. “Why thank you Mr. Fraser, it is most gallant of you…and generous….can I ask what has caused this change of attitude?”  
He smiled broadly, eyes twinkling in mirth. “Well Sassenach I can still taste yer sweet mouth on mine and feel the shape of yer arse on my hands, I am hopeful ye have not treated Cathal to the same welcome, so aye ye can say I am feeling generous.” He flashed me a dazzling toothy smile, bitting his bottom lip thoughtfully before turning on his heel, leaving me feeling hotter than I was before with the added distraction of a delightful tightening in my tummy. Smug bastard. 

After a cooling off period I meandered my way into my overcrowded living room, I busied myself between the various groups checking for top ups, Cathal’s laugh was getting consistently louder each time I did a circuit of the room, it was hard to ignore the glass of whiskey in his hand. He never drank spirits always a beer man, watching, I felt a pang of what he might be feeling being here, I knew him. The man laughing obnoxiously in my living room wasn’t him. 

It was hard not to notice the contrast between the two of them being in such close proximity, Jamie’s heritage was a huge part of him, he drew people in with his stories but also his ability to listen and show an interest in those around him. Jamie’s ancestors were Lairds, when I looked at him I could see that direct lineage seeping from Jamie’s stance, he was a large proud beautiful scot and I couldn’t take my eyes off him. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed him work a room.  
Thinking Cathal too far gone to notice whose company I kept, I slipped in beside Jamie, he was chatting to a gang of Rupert’s work mates, his broad arms moving animatedly to illustrate the story, his audience in raptures.

Jamie noticed my presence at his side stopped his story momentarily, eyeing me tenderly “Did ye no get anything to drink for yerself Sassenach?” I looked at my empty hands and realised he was right, I was so tightly wound that I hadn’t bothered to get myself one, he nodded at his group of admirers apologetically, “Sorry lads, il be back in a minute” and disappeared into the kitchen. A sea of impatient faces stared at me while we waited awkwardly for Jamie. On his return he handed me a large glass of wine and recommenced his story. However this time his hand fell on the small of my back, drawing me into him.

I was guiltily conscious of his touch at first, worried that Cathal would notice but after a time it was like it was meant to be there and I slowly edged closer so that we stood hip to hip. It was easy to be hypnotized by his stories forgetting everyone else in the room. Jamie caught me gazing up at him, a contented smile brightening his face. We stood there for a minute grinning stupidly at each other before I heard one of Rupert’s friends clear his throat. “As I was asking ye Jamie…”. Jamie blushed a little and muttered “Sorry I was distracted what is it ye were saying?”  
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Gellis moving towards us at a determined pace, she slided up on the other side of Jamie extraditing us from the rest of the group. “Claire" she breathed hurriedly….I need a favour...” I looked at her curiously, her tone was rather urgent and Jamie looked positively enthralled. "Off course what do you need?"  
“Can ye lend me a pair of yer wee lacy knickers? Ya ken the ones ye keep for good occasions” Jamie’s eyes went wide as stalks. “Gellis” I said scandalized. 

She sighed heavily “Claire I dinna have time for ye to pretend ye dinna own any cause ye ken fine well I have seen them.” I was fairly sure my face was a purple colour Jamie’s eyes ran from me to Gellis and back, mouth slightly agape. “Why the hell do ye need panties?” he blurted out suddenly, and I realized his face might actually be redder than mine. 

She looked at him as if he was half mad and said “Cause I dinna have any on!”  
Jamie’s mouth hung slightly agape and I could see his eyes work furiously trying to decipher where to take his questioning. I however knew my friend. “I presume not having any on was a deliberate decision?” I asked cautiously,   
Gellis head bobbed up down rapidly. “And why the sudden urgency for a pair then?” Jamie asked eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

Gellis sighed again exasperatingly “Because….do ye see that fella over there?” Jamie’s head snapped around to look and she hissed “dinna make it so obvious  
for Christ’s sake… rolling her smokey eyes at us, “well he wants me to go home with him…and I dinna want him thinking I came out looking for it aye?” 

Jamie’s eyebrows furrowed even deeper before he croaked “Why did ye come out without them so?” 

Gellis pressed her lips together and narrowed her eyes, “because I did come out looking for it but I dinna want him to ken that…he is too timid…I dinna want to scare him, Jesus fox did Claire teach ye nothing in yer time together?” I was about to tell her not to drag me into her sordid affairs but Jamie interrupted “Claire” he said through gritted teeth “taught me everything and she dinna go around without her panties on to do it!”

“well that is a shame with her sweet wee bum, I can only imagine ye would have preferred easier access to it aye?”, Gellis flashed him a wicked smile.

“Christ woman ye have a mouth like an adder” Jamie hissed but I noticed the hand on my back was dropping lower and lower. Gellis fluttered her eyelashes as if he had just paid her a huge compliment, turned to me and said “will ye lend me those red ones ye ken the ones ye bought in Victoria secret a couple of months back?”

Jamie raked his hand through his hair “I dinna want to hear anymore…well ye get her the panties for the love of god Claire!”

I smiled sweetly and dragged Gellis by the hand in the direction of my room. 

 

Closing the door behind me, I quickly rummaged in my drawers and threw Gellis the little frilly number she had in mind. She pulled them up and on her without any preamble or need for privacy, I was making for the door again when she whispered “what is happening with yerself and the fox ye seem on the chummy side…have ye been clashing tongues again? I gave her a dirty look knowing she was referring to the night of the gala. Gellis I think would have guessed had I not confessed a few days later, her only complaint had been she had missed the two ‘Cocks sparring over ye”  
“Something happened earlier but Rupert came home” I admitted. “fuck’n Rupert” she said shaking her head.  
I was about to continue my tale when I head Cathal’s slurred voice on the corridor outside, “well well if it aint the fucking Scottish warrior…? I could imagine the swagger on Cathal without having to see him.   
I was about to open the door when Gellis halted me. “wait” she whispered.   
Jamie’s clear but slightly calmer voice replied “look I am glad I have the chance to speak to ye…I wanted to apologize ye had every right to be spit’n fire and I shouldna have reacted…”  
Cathal’s voice cut across “I had every right did I?….you fucking prick…I’d fucking hit you again only it would make her even more sorry for you…and right now mate that is all you have got going on …her pity.”  
“What it is between me and Claire isna pity, if it was ye wouldn’t be so rattled now would ye?”  
There was shuffling and for a minute I thought they were fighting again but just as I was about to open the door Cathal continued.  
“she told me about you when we first met…that her ex fucked her up…even then she was making excuses for ya…said you were a mess…? I googled ya mate…lost your brother ya? That must have been tough…. Nasty accident and you were there right? ….that kind of thing fucks up your mind…no wonder she left”  
My hand shot for the handle but Gellis halted me, “it will be harder for Jamie to know you are hearing this…just wait Claire…hear what he is saying for yourself..”  
My heart was beating so fast I was afraid they would hear it, I was fit to hit Cathal myself.  
Jamie growled “dinna mention my brother ye ken nothing about him or what happened.”   
“sympathy fucking that is all it is mate… …I’v told her il be here waiting when she gets bored of that shit and wants a proper man in bed…because me and her never had a problem in that department.”  
Cathal’s laugh was cut short when I heard a body being thrown up against the wall; nothing held me back this time.


	15. To Wait.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some NSFW near the end.

As I predicted, Cathal was pressed firmly up against wall by the scruff of his neck. I laid my hand gently on Jamie’s shoulder. “It’s ok.”

Jamie turned to look at me his eyes wild with rage, they widened slightly when he realised I was there and he loosened his hold on Cathal, breathing through his nostrils heavily. 

“Claire I….I’m sorry” his voice wavered, as he struggled to rein in his temper, he rucked his hand through his hair and looked heavenward. 

Cathal was still slumped against the wall blinking rapidly, a dazed expression on his face, he was touching the base of his neck soothingly after Jamie’s grip, “you” I pointing my finger at him, “you are completely out of fucking line…and being drunk is not an excuse”,

“Oh its ok for him to mess up my life but I can’t mention that fuck that is his life.” Cathal spat. “Stop it now!” I warned.

Gellis stepped between Cathal and I taking him by the forearm, muttering under her breath “ye had better come away with me now or ye will find out soon enough what a Scottish warrior really is.” Cathal tried to shrug her off, “I am not afraid of that prick” Gellis gave him a lasting glare and said “trust me, yer only making it worse for yerself.” 

His shoulder slumped eventually when he tried and failed to make eye contact with me, instead I moved closer to Jamie resting my hand on his forearm. Cathal ripped his arm away from Gellis’s hold and stormed off ahead of her.

He took a step back, staring down at his feet. “God I’m a fucking disaster, I dinna ken why…I …I promised ye there would be no bother.” I moved towards him cautiously, touching him lightly on stomach and hip, “its ok.” I repeated. “It wasn’t your fault”, he kept shaking his head, “I…I shouldna have reacted…let him get to me...” he brought his head back up but his eyes were vacant, it was like he was looking through me.

“Jamie look at me” I brought my hands up to cup his face and give him no other option but to look directly into my eyes, his face softened and he pressed his forehead to mine, “it wasn’t your fault.” I whispered. I was vaguely aware of other guests walking past us on the corridor, throwing us inquisitive looks but I just focused in on him. 

He was clearly troubled either at his reaction or what was said to cause that reaction, I needed him to tell me. My pounding heart was growing louder in my ears, we needed to silence all the other noise around us, without thinking I pushed open my bedroom door and dragged him in.

He stood gazing around the room chewing his bottom lip, “Claire I should go…”  
“No you shouldn’t” I said with certainty. “Come here.” He moved two steps to stand flush with my body, I ran my hand from his stomach up and over his chest to chin and eventually prizing his bottom lip out from under his teeth, “stop” I whispered.

“He just hit a nerve I suppose” Jamie stated flatly.

I rubbed my thumb and finger surely tracing his bottom lip. “I never told Cathal anything only that our relationship ended badly” I paused hesitating. “He knew I loved you…a lot, it was why I didn’t tell him who you were that day at the hospital.”

For the first time Jamie’s hands reached out to hold me, one hand resting on my hip the other on my neck, he sighed deeply before speaking “It’s not that…” he lowered his voice while fidgeting with a lock of my hair before continuing. “Claire…ye are one of the kindest people I ken, asides you and maybe mam I dinna ken anyone with a heart like yours.” 

“Jenny?” I asked giving him bemused grin.

“Aye but she is much more cut throat than you or mam.” He replied smiling.

“Ok so what has me being kind got to do with all of this?” I creased my eyebrows in confusion

“That is what I am afraid of?”

I shook my head bewildered.

Jamie licked his lips and took a breath before continuing. “I fear that maybe us growing close since well since ye ken everything now that maybe it is a sort of compassion towards me….”

I shook my head vehemently and tried to interrupt but he waved his hand dismissively. 

“Claire I have come here and thrown all of this at you after two years apart…and what I told ye wasn’t pretty…it was reliving the worst version of me…I have told ye all that and expect or hope that you might try and love me again. I ken it’s a big ask.”

I exhaled loudly “god you are a silly man Jamie Fraser.” 

He shot me a confused look, and I reached for his face, pulling it down to mine, foreheads touching.

“Do you want honesty?” I asked

“Yes”

“So we have kissed twice since you arrived here?” right?

“Aye.”

“Did you feel I kissed you because I was sorry for you?”

“Well no, not at the time.”

“I can’t tell you about a future Jamie…but wanting you and spending time with you is well…it’s you…for no other reason that I just enjoy having you close again…its definitely not out of sympathy.”

I ghosted my lips over his, “does it this feel like I am sorry for you when I do this?”

He didn’t speak but engulfed my lips with his, shaking his head.

I ran my tongue over his lips, soothing and biting, a flame lighting and exploding under us, our tongues fighting for dominance and proximity at once. Jamie broke away first before deftly running his tongue down along my earlobe and neck. “Claire ye dinna ken how much I want ye…”

I cupped his arse drawing him into me. Jamie’s need was obvious I could feel it pulsating against my stomach. He walked us back to the bed lifting me onto it and crawling on top, our kiss deepened, bodies grinding together he ran his hand up and under my dress grabbing my arse almost painfully. His body was trembling over mine.

The skin all over my body tightened and a shiver swarmed down my front resting between my legs making them lifeless. I was desperate for him to push up my skirt pull down his jeans and take me, no gentleness needed.

Before I could put words on it, Jamie broke away abruptly, leaving me reeling, “Claire…we shouldna…” he gasped  
My head was spinning and I was trying to process what he was saying, we had gone from desperate hunger to stopping altogether. “You want to stop?” I breathed heavily. He kissed me hard and deeply and I thought we would succumb to each other again but he broke away gasping, “ye have no idea how hard it is for me to stop…but ya ken we canna like this, I want ye to be sure of me first Claire, … I want there to be time and just us!”

My hands were traveling up and under his t shirt and I stopped abruptly, “ok” I said weakly. Jamie groaned rolling off me to lie on his back, he flung the back of his arm over his eyes, growling, “Fuck fuck fuck” 

“Jamie, talk to me?” 

He exhaled loudly, his forehead creased in restraint. 

“I am afraid if we do it like this mo ghraidh, ye will regret it.”

I said softly, “is this about what Cathal said because if it is…” I said softly   
“No” he interrupted, “yer emotions are all over the place Claire…it’s not hard to see ye are struggling with me being back…and trying to decide what you want…if we were to lie together now…I ken ye would regret it and what it is between us…its special….I dinna want to ruin it by doing this in haste.”

I turned on my side to face him, he wasn’t wrong I had a lot of doubts still, wanting him was not enough of an excuse to risk our tentative new bond.

“I do want to”, I said quietly “but I understand what you’re saying…I can’t say that I know what is happening between us yet.”

His head bobbed up and down slowly, “I ken…”

Jamie raked his hand over his jaw and made a grunting sound, he turned to face me, resting his upper body on his elbows, his face determined. “ Claire if you ever do lie with me again, I want it to be right, that we have time…not with fifty people outside yer bedroom door one of them being yer best friend wearing yer knickers, never mind yer ex” he said smiling.

I laughed and he grinned down at me snorting himself, “suppose it wouldn’t do to hear me crying out in pleasure during Rupert’s birthday…he would never forgive me.”

“Ach he would only be jealous he dinna get laid on his birthday” giving me an owlish wink and a raspy chuckle low in his voice. He flopped back down beside me. We lay on our backs side by side in silence listening to each other’s breathing regulate.

Eventually Jamie shifted on the bed a little, adjusting his jeans down near his crotch.

“So Fraser…you just talked yourself out of a shag after a two year drought huh?” 

He snorted, and turned his head to the side to look at me.

“Aye, I’m a fucking idiot.” I couldn’t stop the laughter building up in me and it took me a while to compose myself again leaving a heady kind of feeling between my own legs.

“I am glad I amuse ye at least” he said leaning back up on his elbow to look down at me.

“I’m sorry” I replied biting my lip to curb my smile.

He traced his fingers over my mouth, hunger still plain on his face. “yer worth it” he said huskily.

I wriggled a little closer to him, “so two years… “I’m impressed!”

His mouth lifted at the edges into a smirk “well if my blue balls impress ye…I am glad of it.” 

We stared at each other for a while, Jamie’s eyes roamed down my body, before he exhaled and sat up on the bed “c’mon Sassenach as much as I want to, it’s no doing me any good lying next to ye.”

I reached tentatively for his forearm drawing him back down to me.

“Jamie” I said in barely a whisper…”let me look after you?” I ran my hand down over the front of his jeans where his erection was still evident under my hand. He looked at me and then down at his own crotch where my hand rested. His eyes widened, shaking his head he stammered out “no Claire…I dinna want…ye dinna need to …”

“I want to”, I said edging closer and raising myself up slightly to rest on my forearm.

Jamie looked at me pleadingly, “Claire its ok” he whispered. I ignored his protestations, sliding the length of my body against him, “just relax.” Jamie stilled and swallowed hard, I could see the fight dissipate out of him when my body made contact with him.

He gave me a slight nod of his head and bit his bottom lip as I slowly opened the top button of his jeans and ran the zipper down, sliding my hand in and under his jeans and underwear. When I took him in my hand, his breath hitched and he flopped down on the bed letting out a groan, “fuck” he breathed.

“I gently started my movements, leaning down over his body, he locked eyes with me and the intensity in them almost blew me away.

I licked my bottom lip and smiled at him, so he knew I was enjoying it. I stroked him up and down, his breathing started to come short, hitching in his throat. Jamie’s hips started moving off the bed to aid my hand. Suddenly he ran his hand around the back of my neck and pulled me down to him, kissing me languidly, a wetness flooding between my legs just watching his desire build under me. 

His touch slowly roamed down over my stomach to my hips and he rocked me against him as I held his cock between us, Jamie’s mouth fell open against mine as I swallowed each delicious groan and moan falling from his mouth. His fingers climbed and climbed until they reached the hem of my dress, he slowly ran them up my thigh, pressing deeply into the soft skin there, almost clawing into me.

Suddenly he pulled away, “Claire” he moaned… I didn’t know he was asking me a question until I heard him repeat my name again. ”Claire…can I touch ye?” he bit his bottom lip trying to control the sounds coming from his mouth, “please?” I nodded and he ran his hand up and under my skirt, gaining entrance to my slit under a frivolous pair of knickers that would have caught Gellis’s eye had I not been wearing them, when he ran his finger inside me, my head fell back and I let out a mewling noise that made me blush before trying and failing to gain control what came out of my mouth.

Jamie pushed a second finger in and made a whimpering noise low in his throat, “Christ…ye are so wet… ye have no idea how good ye feel.”

This undid me all altogether and my hips began riding his hand, he rolled up on top of me leaving enough room for me to keep stroking him but to allow our hips to move in a rhythm against each other. My belly was clenching tightly and I shut my eyes reveling in his touch. Part of my mind wanted to take his cock and guide it into me, but the small part of my brain that was functioning knew why I couldn’t

Our movements quickened, breaths hissing from our lungs, Jamie’s eyes snapped open and he looked down at me intensely. “Claire….fuck Claire…I’m gonna come…on ye…” he choked out, I could see him trying to hold himself back.

“Come then.” I bit his bottom lip and his movements became erratic as did his fingers inside me…he hooked them in and rapidly moved them hitting my clit over and over again, until I was aware of nothing and no one around me as my own release spread from deep in my tummy, warm liquid gushed down my hand and wrist and ultimately over the creases of my dress that were hiked up around my waist. Jamie flopped down on top of me. Groaning “oh fuck…I’m sorry.” In a flurry of words and whispers.

I kissed him gently “will you stop saying sorry” I scolded.

He mumbled something into my neck before lifting himself and sitting up on his hunches. Looking down at me “Yer dress Claire” 

“I have another black one I can put on…” I smiled coyly.  
We cleaned up and sheepishly made our way back out to the party, a lovely heat coursing through my body which was colouring my cheeks a shade of pink to match Jamie’s, my legs still had a slight tremble and I was afraid people would notice my knees knocking.  
I spotted Cathal asleep in an armchair, Gellis and her new beau standing watch over him, she rolled her eyes and beckoned me to her. I touched Jamie lightly on the arm and said “I better go see what is happening.” He took his que and joined Rupert and his friends in another corner of the room.  
Nobody seemed to notice our disappearance, but when I reached Gellis she looked at me sceptically and said “did ye see that the wee fox is ok then?”  
I smiled shyly “I did.”


	16. See me.

Thank you as always to @balfeheughleywed, for keeping this fic afloat. Moodboard cred to @balfeheughleywed.

 

 

Our guests slowly trickled home in the early hours of the morning; only a few stragglers remained, whispering couples tucked into corners of the apartment.

Rupert was chatting up a girl in the kitchen who had bright red hair, possibly dyed, and a piercing in her nose and eyebrow that Rupert found ‘edgy’ his voice occasionally went up an octave as he came to the punch line of a joke.

Jamie and I were thoroughly enjoying eavesdropping from our vantage position in the hall, giggling at Rupert’s efforts. He had just told her he was a land owner, Jamie snorted “the garden at the back of his mother’s house doesna count”

There was a high pitched giggle from the red head and a rumble from Rupert before we could hear him mumbling “do ye ken that Scottish men are hung like horses?”   
The red heads flirtatious voice murmuring is that so? There was wet kissing noises now and Jamie stuck two fingers down his throat mimicking a puking action. The kissing noises stopped and Rupert continued, “Aye that’s why we need kilts…we canna contain our cocks in breeks!” 

I put my hand over my mouth to stifle the roar of laughter and Jamie rolled his eyes muttering “fucking idiot” 

“Hey you shouldn’t knock Rupert’s tall tale it can only benefit you, you are Scottish too after all?” Jamie pulled me in close and raised his eyebrows questioningly “I will wear my kilt for ye again I hope?” an endearing boyish smiled crossed over his face and my heart tugged against my chest.

“Well I was always partial to your kilt….” I admitted.

Rupert emerged out of the kitchen a determined look on his face and we broke apart quickly, “Jamie man have ye a johnny?” I didn’t know which one of us was redder, but it certainly wasn’t Rupert, who stood by impatiently waiting. I glanced to the ground hoping to grant Jamie some privacy.

Jamie cleared his throat awkwardly “I dinna have one.”

Rupert gave him a look of utter disgust “tsk, what kind of a single man doesna have any condoms for fucks sake” and staggered off towards his bedroom purposefully. 

I engrossed myself with something on the back of my hand to try and hide my smirk. When I looked back up Jamie rolled shook his head in disdain and I could still make out the lovely shade of pink coloring his cheeks. 

I curled my arms around my middle and yawned unconsciously; Jamie reached out and touched my arm, “Ye should go to bed Claire… I am gonna head home.” I wanted to pull him to me and say “Stay, sleep with me.” The words wouldn’t come out instead I tilted my head and smiled tenderly at him, “Thank you for everything you were a great help”, Jamie rubbed the back of his neck, and looked down at the floor “aye well so were you.”

“um er…ok I don’t know what to say to that” I giggled nervously

“Och no I dinna mean that…I…oh Christ.”

I pushed him playfully on the chest, “c’mon I will walk you out.”

Jamie and I had started the day as friends and ended it with a mind numbing session on top of my bed with our hands down each other’s pants. Standing now under the streetlights the whole thing felt dreamlike, Jamie’s chin dipped down into his chest while he shifted awkwardly on his feet. 

“Well goodnight then Jamie.” I said quietly, pulling at the sleeves of my cardigan nervously.

He raised his head to look at me, intensity in his eyes that made me feel giddy. 

“this is akin to a first date Sassenach….well the nervous goodbye bit is anyway…should I kiss ye…will ye slap me?” his eyes were sparkling now.

“You’ve already kissed me tonight Fraser…and worse, have you forgotten already?” I teased.

“Not a chance, I remember, every fuckin’ second of it Claire.” His tone deepened, and he put his hand on my waist pulling me into him.

“so… can I kiss ye good night then?”

He stood hesitantly waiting for me to answer; I just nodded and walked into his lips, standing on tippy toe. My intention was a chaste kiss but Jamie wrapped his hand around the back of my neck, tilted his head took my whole mouth zealously. When we broke away Jamie’s lips hovered over mine barely touching, a slightly stunned expression on his face.

We both grinned stupidly at each other, Jamie’s hand roamed round and cupped my arse, and he rested his head against my forehead. He stood there for a minute or two before he shifted away slightly, looking for something in his pockets.  
“Claire… I dinna have yer number?”

“what?” my eyebrows creased in confusion.

“Yer phone number?”

“Oh” I nodded and widened my eyes in realisation.

Jamie’s looked at the ground and he mumbled, “I ken ye dinna have the same one anymore….”

I didn’t need to ask how he knew; after I left he had tried several ways to get in touch when he failed to get through on my old number. 

“of course” I said quickly not wanting to dampen the moment with reliving the path that led to me changing my number. He took out his phone punching in the numbers while I called it out giving me a lopsided grin when he was done.

“Goodnight Sassenach” he said taking a step backwards, keeping his gaze locked on me.

“Goodnight Mr. Fraser.”

A lot had changed in 12 hours. 

 

 

A few nights later while watching Lamb swirl his wine around in a globe like glass, I contemplated how the hell I was going to tell him about Jamie’s resurgence in my life.

“Darling you look hypnotised, are you ok?” Lamb asked voice full of concern.

Lamb had been on a dig in India for the past six weeks and was back in London for a short stay before he flew off to his next project. Our customary catch up dinner was quieter than usual as my conscience battled over whether I should continue lying to him until I knew what was happening with Jamie and me, or come clean and tell him how I was allowing Jamie back into my life with gusto, resulting in a dizzy silliness that was embarrassing if nothing else. 

 

I shrugged my shoulders and smiled briefly, “No sorry I am fine…I just am just out of it after the night shifts.” Lamb and I were sitting in rustic wooden dining booths, which lined the gastro pub walls back to back, there was a band setting up in the corner of the restaurant and I vaguely wished they would start to play so it would drowned out my attempt at excuses.

He nodded sceptically, making a sucking sound between his tongue and teeth to dislodge something stuck. “Good I was afraid yourself and Cathal were having a little trouble.”

Lamb was either more intuitive than I gave him credit for or guessing wildly, either of which was backing me up into a corner. Now I had to tell him about Cathal. I took a deep breath and decided weakly maybe it was enough for one night to break it to him about Cathal; Jamie was another night’s work.

“Actually Lamb…you’re not too wrong on that score…myself and Cathal you see actually have split up.” I smiled nervously, playing with the rim of my wine glass, “Just wasn’t to be I suppose”, I took a long deep gulp of my wine and avoided Lamb’s perplexed gaze.

“But before I went to India…you two seemed so happy? What on earth happened in six weeks my love?”

“I just needed space.” My face was burning up, it always betrayed me.

 

Lamb extended a hand and placed it over mine. “Claire…what is going on?”

My mind was racing trying to decide how much to tell Lamb, I was granted a quick reprieve when his phone rang suddenly.

He shuffled in his pocket and retrieved the phone, looking at the screen, “I’m sorry sweetheart” he gestured at the phone “I gotta take this.” 

While Lamb left the table to take the call, I attempted to build up courage to mention Jamie’s name at least…maybe say he started working in the hospital?  
Shit, no that wouldn’t do, I had just mentioned Cathal and I had broken up, too much of a coincidence that Jamie was now working with me.

Off course I could come clean? I could tell him the whole sorry affair.

And that was the other issue; I knew how Lamb would react. Well that and the whole affair almost seemed like it existed in my imagination as I hadn’t been able to see Jamie since the party three nights ago. 

Our working shifts at the hospital literally on opposite ends of the clock. The only thing that made it tangible was the yearning and ridiculous giddiness when my phone lit up with a message from him at the beginning of my shift or the end of his. 

The first of them had arrived the morning after the party.

Jamie: I tried being suave and aloof and I dinna plan on texting ye til at least 12 hours after I had scored yer number but I am a weak man when it comes to ye Sassenach...I canna seem to stop myself…

My jaws had almost cracked from smiling and the texts were coming hot and fast since then.

So distracted was I in remembering the flirty exchanges, I hadn’t notice the door of the pub opening, admitting Rupert and Jamie, shoulders hunched from the cold and rubbing their hands furiously. My jaw dropped slightly and a sickly panic feeling rolled down my back. Fuck.

I had arranged to meet Jamie sometime later that evening, vaguely mentioning I had dinner plans and would ring him when I was finished. I watched as he leaned over the bar, waiting for his drink, glancing down at his phone.

I sank further into my seat, hoping he wouldn’t see me. Lamb returned to our table and noisily started apologising for his absence. Jamie’s head snapped up when he heard the commotion, catching my eye in the process.

Jamie’s face lit up and he gave a little wave, Lamb was sitting the other side of the booth hidden from view. I smiled back weakly and quickly looked away again but it didn’t deter him, Jamie was already making confidence strides in my direction and my stomach was turning in on itself with stress.

“Hey” I could hear him say from above my head. I took a deep breath and before I said another word, I gave him an apologetic smile. “Hi”

Lambs slightly shocked voice cut through our reverie, “James?” he asked incredulously.

If Lamb looked shocked then Jamie’s expression was nearer to shook. His mouth fell slightly agape “Lambert…I dinna see ye there…” his breath shook slightly “it’s been a while.” Jamie outstretched his hand, lamb looked at it cautiously for a minute before taking it and with a coldness I had never heard from him before he replied, “yes it has”

“Lamb, I was just about to tell you that Jamie is working at the hospital, he is a qualified physiotherapist now…isn’t that great?” words babbling from my mouth nervously.

Lamb looked at me as if I was half mad and then returned his steel gaze to Jamie.

“You’re living in London?” He asked incredulously. 

“Aye…only moved here a couple of months ago now” Jamie shifted away from the table slightly, rubbing the back of his neck nervously.

“And what on earth would bring a scot like yourself to London?” Lamb shook his head in disbelief and widened his eyes dramatically. He was playing a game and it was obvious, I was only waiting on it to get progressively worse depending on Jamie’s answer.

“I…em…I wanted a change and …” Jamie was stuttering, Lamb gave him a cold stare and a detached smile. “And did your girlfriend move with you?” he interrupted. I shot Lamb a look, Jamie’s eyebrows creased in confusion “my girlfriend?” he asked slowly.

“Yes …your girlfriend…that is why you and my niece broke up? No? You had met someone else I think?” Lamb rubbed his chin contemplatively, pretending to think hard on the matter.

Jamie’s eyes widened and his jaw dropped, “Eh no sir that is not quite what happened…I dinna…”

“Oh well then” Lamb said rubbing his hands together happily, “it was just one big misunderstanding then?” Jamie’s gaze dropped to the floor. Lamb interpreted it as guilt, which it probably was, “I didn’t think so” Lamb replied flatly.

Jamie’s head snapped up and his eyes narrowed slightly, “Lambert I ken I did wrong by Claire…but I certainly dinna leave her for another lassie…I made a very stupid stupid mistake …and I have tried to explain myself to Claire as best I can…she has been….” Before he could continue Lamb turned to look at me, “Claire darling…I shall not interfere any further but I hope that while James was explaining”, he over pronounced ‘explaining’ mockingly, “that he understood what it was like for you also to live in the shadow of his mistake hmm?” Lamb busied himself putting his coat on and throwing cash on the table.

Jamie unfortunately interrupted “Lambert I ken what I put Claire through…I will be sorry for it forever…you must ken that?”

“Oh so you knew then? How when I returned from a Egypt, I found my niece so malnourished, she had to be hospitalized?...that she paused her soaring medical career because you had broken her….over a fling with a woman…I believe you acquired in a bar?” 

“Lamb, stop it!” I snapped.

 

Lamb put his hands up in defeat, “I promise I will not say another word.”

He leaned across the table and kissed me on the cheek, “I love you darling, call me tomorrow.”

With one curt nod in Jamie’s direction, “Goodnight James” Lamb exited throwing his scarf over his shoulder gliding out of the door with a proud hold across his shoulders.

I turned to look at Jamie, a heartbroken look across his face, “I’m so sorry Claire…” he said softly.


	17. I hate you, I love you

Jamie clutched my forearms swinging me around to face him, “Stop walking away…we need to talk about this Claire.”

 

 

“WE” I roared “don’t need to talk about it at all”, I slammed the back of my hand against my open palm, as if beating each point into him “This is to do with me…and if I had my choice, you wouldn’t know any of it.”

 

 

“Claire how can I truly ken …”

 

 

“That is just it Jamie I don’t need you to truly ken” I sneered back at him.

 

 

I turned to walk away again, “Claire please its killing me knowing I did this do ye” his voice was flat, defeated. Jamie pulled me by the arm again “please dinna turn your back on me” he implored.

 

 

I could see the anguish in his eyes, I knew that desperation. He didn’t want us to part like this. I just needed away, to lick my wounds, Lamb had spilled open my vulnerable, horrible secret and I just wanted to curl up in a corner and let the humiliation wash over me, alone.

 

 

I stilled my mind for a minute, breathing deeply. I never wanted Jamie to know he had broken me like that, he left me little pride but at least he never got to see me at my lowest ebb. Almost six stone, with hallow eyes and chewed fingernails. Nonfunctioning that is that the doctor had said, I was so traumatized I wasn’t able to physically function, eat, or sleep. I was so embarrassed they kept calling it a critical incident in my life, but couples broke up every day, why couldn’t I cope?

 

 

 

 

Jamie was staring at me pleadingly “I don’t want to relive it and I especially don’t want to relive it with you.” I snapped, wrapping my arms around my middle defensively, “

 

I am sick of people thinking they know what is best for me…do you know I didn’t even tell Lamb what you had done?” His eyebrows creased slightly and he shook his head from side to side, I took a step forward and stuck my finger into his chest, “You did when you rang him demanding to know where I was!” I rolled my eyes, “and that was another thing, as bad as your betrayal was you made things ten times worse, ringing people looking for me!”

 

 

He tried to curl his palm around the finger pointed to his chest, but I snapped my hand away.

 

 

“You didn’t allow me privacy!” 

 

 

I moved a step closer, glaring up into his face, I could feel his breath against my skin, “I am fucking tired of other people’s choices affecting my life” I rubbed my hand against my forehead, trying to soothe it.

 

 

Jamie shoulders slumped forward slightly “I hate that I did that to ye.”

 

 

 

 

“I don’t want your sympathy”, I finished. 

 

 

“Jesus Claire it isna sympathy, it’s because I love you!” his fists were now clenched in balls at his side, breathing heavily through his nose.

 

 

“I am going home and if you push me on this, I swear I am done…because for once it will be my choice if or when I tell you anything” 

 

 

“yer choice?” he asked incredulously.

 

 

“Yes my choice Jamie, because since the day you decided to cast suspicion on my love for you, everything has been your choice, your choice to believe it and your choice to pick up another woman in a bar and go home with her.”

 

 

When he didn’t answer and looked to the ground guiltily, I just muttered “don’t follow me” and stalked off.

 

 

______________________________________ 

 

It took a couple of days before I could think of the incident in the pub without seeing a red haze before my eyes.

 

 

 

Jamie had not followed or provoked another argument but sent a text saying he loved me and would listen if and whenever I felt I could talk.

 

 

The whole reasonable tone of his message enraged me more; it was like it was dictated by a mediator. Then again anything resembling reasonability enraged me in my current form.

 

 

Second on my hit list was Lamb, he had called round to the apartment the next morning, where he had been given no time off for good behavior, whatever my choices, Lamb had betrayed my confidence and that was a Beauchamp family no no. I pointed this out coolly to him the following morning, it should have been my decision tell Jamie the consequences of his actions, instead I had been laid bare in front of two people who supposedly loved me most.

 

 

Three days after our argument outside the pub Jamie and I were on identical shifts, my temper had settled somewhat, but that only meant that my resolve was slipping and whether I wanted to see Jamie or not I still didn’t want to tell him what happened after we broke up.

 

 

Jamie was already half way through a session with a patient that had been referred under my care. I watched as he routinely ran through exercises, asking questions about movement and plotting a schedule of treatment for the coming week. As Jamie continued to work on the patient lifting and rotating limbs, a young student physio shadowing him watched avidity, her pretty eyes following Jamie’s every move, a tight anxiety like feeling swirled around in my tummy. When he was done he tried to catch my eye, I reverted them downwards and nodded to something a nurse was observing about the patient. 

 

 

He caught up with me a few minutes later as I completed paperwork, “Claire I need to see ye… his hand fell on the small of my back and I could feel his thumb stroking lightly over the material of my scrubs.” Please?” I pinched the top of my nose, Jamie’s hand rose up and took it away, holding it secretly between us, I raised my eyebrow at him but couldn’t stop my lip curling up at his beseeching eyes. There was a movement beyond Jamie’s shoulder and I noticed the student shadowing him, lurking a few feet away watching intently. “You have eyes and ears on you” I muttered quietly. His head snapped around “Oh aye”. He said rolling his eyes at me discreetly.

 

 

 

“Sarah if ye wanna grab yerself a coffee, we will see the next patient in about 10 minutes…I won’t be long” he continued.

 

 

Sarah clearly not keen on leaving Jamie, peered over his shoulder to check the name on my staff badge, “oh no Jamie, I don’t need coffee…if Dr Beauchamp is going through patient history with you I am happy to be included.” Jamie pressed his lips together and sighed before turning his mouth into a kind smile. “No Sarah this is a personal matter…if ye wouldn’t mind giving us a few minutes I’ll be with ye presently”, he didn’t wait for her to agree before turning his back, picking up where he left off, “so Sassenach…” I watched Sarah’s eyes narrow before she swung around stalking off in the opposite direction, “will ye meet me later?” he continued, “I miss ye” his voice husky, he bent his knees a bit to peer up at my downturned face. ” I exhaled loudly “God you’re persistent …fine, his face lit up, “I’ll come round later, we can talk then.” 

 

 

Jamie shook his head “nay we finish at the same time I will wait for ye and we can walk home together?” I opened my mouth to argue but my beeper went off, I reluctantly clipped “fine” rushing to answer my pager.

 

 

True to his word Jamie waited for me at the hospital entrance, when he saw me a wide smile spread to his eyes crinkling them at the sides, he outstretched his arm in front of me “After you mo graidh” 

 

 

 

 

Without prior arrangement, Jamie began preparing dinner once we arrived at his apartment, with a practiced ease he whipped up a pasta dish, topping up my wine glass constantly, “are you trying to get me intoxicated Fraser?” he gave me a sheepish smile and I watched his cheeks turn pink. “that answers my question” I muttered under my breath.

 

 

Once Jamie cleared the plates he gestured towards the couch, “Will ye sit?”

 

 

He watched me for a minute before scraping a hand over his face, his brow furrowed, “I dinna ken what I should do? I am afraid to push ye but I keep picturing ye so frail and I need to ken Claire.”

 

 

I said nothing for a minute, head bent staring into my wine glass, “ok.” I agreed finally.

 

 

So I told him, how Gellis offered me a place to stay in Brighton, a relative owned a holiday home, no one would know I was there. I just wanted to be alone, to hide out…lick my wounds.

 

 

“I underestimated how deep the wounds were”. I said softly.

 

 

Jamie reached forward and took my hand; I withdrew a little not quite ready for his touch.

 

 

“…my mind was a mess…” I began, “I went from fluctuating from cowardliness at needing you and back to hating you, some days I thought I would get into my car and drive back to you, told myself that I would forgive you…anything was easier than the pain of not being with you right?” my throat burned from the lump there and I begged my mind not to let the tears that were stinging my eyes, fall. I wanted to do this composed.

 

“I’d pack up my stuff, get in the car head for Edinburgh then a few minutes in, I would get a vivid image of you and her, something intimate maybe you undressing her. Jamie’s eyes widened and I swallowed hard and continued, “So I would turn the car around and go back, then the process would repeat itself.”

 

In a voice barely above a whisper, I could hear Jamie say my name, “Claire…” it wasn’t time for him to explain. I needed to talk.

 

I shook my head resolutely “no you wanted to know…I was worried by telling you this I wouldn’t be able to return to the way we were the past few weeks…but it’s too late now”. I said warningly. He ran his palms over his thighs, his face strained with nerves, I bit my lip and half wondered if I should even be off loading this on him, but I knew he would give me few alternatives.

 

“…after a time I found the strength to realise I couldn’t go back, I couldn’t be in love with someone like that.” I said it with finality, oddly detached.

 

Jamie’s eyes were two pools now, filled with tears one was about to brim over the edge and he suddenly looked down not wanting me to see. 

 

I tilted his chin back up and said firmly “you don’t get to look away now.”

 

He nodded and croaked out, “I’m sorry” His gaze didn’t waver this time. “you were my soulmate, I loved you with everything I had, and when I saw that photo of you with her” I shook my head and said quietly “I didn’t believe you could feel the same way Jamie.”

 

“That isna true.” He said shaking his head. A tear rolling down his face.

 

“Let me finish.” I straightened by back and sat up.

 

“The morning after you told me, when that photo surfaced online” I swallowed hard and said “the one of you and her in the pub”, He nodded and brought the back of his hand up to wipe at his cheek. “Gellis sent it to me….I remember the caption, is this a joke?” my chin quivered and I bit my lip quickly to stop the onslaught of tears. 

 

“But it wasn’t a joke, was it?.” I exhaled loudly “God I hated you.”

 

I wrung my hands together and pressed my lips in a thin line, “so to keep me from running back to you, I would pull up that picture, and then I could hate you each time, it was easier that way.”

 

Jamie’s head sunk suddenly into his chest and I saw his shoulders tremble slightly. He looked devastated and for the first time in days I longed to hold him.

 

“Hate is like a disease though…you don’t eat and you don’t sleep, I went out one day and collapsed on the street…nobody knew me, no ID… I was out for hours…eventually I managed to give them my name and they tracked Lamb down as my next of kin, my periods had stopped, I was anemic, a mess really” I laughed bitterly. 

 

Jamie exhaled, rucking his hand up through his hair, his motions jerky like he wanted to crawl out of his own skin. “You are the person I love most in this world Claire, to ken I did that to ye…and then ye were alone and vulnerable.”. “I will never forgive myself ever.”

 

 

I put my hand up and tugged his arm slightly, “you made the mistake of not forgiving yourself over Willie and look where it got you…its done Jamie, I don’t want to dwell on it.” 

 

I wiped another tear away from his face.

 

“when you turned up here, in London.” I said softly. “I couldn’t hide from you….for two years I had perfected hating you, in my mind you were that guy in the picture, it was almost easy…if I thought of you…I didn’t remember you as someone who loved me, I would imagine you smiling down at that girl, pushing you from every crevice in my mind, I never allowed myself to remember how happy we were before, or what it felt like when you held me in bed….all that good stuff wasn’t allowed, and after a time it worked, I moved on, started dating again….” His eyebrows furrowed at that but I continued. “but then you showed up, the real you….not the bastard in the photo but a real living, breathing person, so now that guy that lived in my mind for two years had to be reconciled with the real Jamie.”

 

 

 

I stretched my hands out and rubbed my bent knee caps nervously, “you told me your truth and in a way you ruined that fucking picture because when I see that guy in the picture, I know he is struggling, that he is angry and that he is grieving deeply for his brother.”

 

 

 

Jamie’s mouth fell open slightly

 

I bit my bottom lip trying to decide if I could continue. “I worry I should have nothing to do with you because we have suffered enough for being in love…and I think I am setting myself up for a fall because I am not the Claire I was before…I don’t know if I can trust you with my heart again?” you know?” 

 

He nodded solemnly.

 

 

 

“or if I want to” I continued honestly.

 

 

 

Jamie swallowed in his bottom lip completely, “I wish I was brave enough to leave you alone.” He said finally “to try and build a life without you.” 

 

He reached up and traced my cheek with his finger, “but I am not brave enough to want to live without you, and right now I could say all manner of things that would probably only enrage ye further…how if ye trusted me with yer heart I would never ever do anything to jeopardise that again, I ken it to be true but how can I say all that and expect ye to believe me?”

 

I glanced away feeling the truth in his words, “I have only ever loved you Claire, I have told ye this before…but I need to prove myself to ye and only time will do that if yer willing?”


	18. Shame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a little nsfw in first bit of this chapter.

Thank you to @balfeheaughled, I had serious writers block last week and couldn’t get my head around this chapter at all, as always she supported and made me write the bits I wanted and leave the rest until it came. So there is some NSFW Language in the first bit of this chapter…hope you enjoy!

I woke gradually; head groggy and the back of my throat stinging slightly from salty tears. My body shifted a little as I became vaguely aware that the solid warm surface under me was not in fact a bed but a broad body radiating heat.   
It had been a considerable amount of time since I had slept or woken up with Jamie beside me, I couldn’t deny the little beat of excitement that rippled through me as I inhaled his scent, his own masculine aura, mingled with the remnants of his aftershave made me want to crawl in under him, and be completely ensconced. I nuzzled closer and allowed myself to simply enjoy his nearness.  
Jamie and I had talked into the wee hours of the morning, filling in the some more of the blanks about our time apart. Telling Jamie about how broken I had been, was surprisingly therapeutic, I hadn’t realized I needed him to know, 

It was my pride that had prevented me from telling him, I didn’t want him to know how deeply I had been hurt, but as I told him he didn’t hide the devastation he felt at causing it. It laid us open to each other. The relief of being free of it, had left me exhausted, My eyes had started drooping at some point and Jamie just pulled me into his shoulder, wrapping a strong arm around me, “rest Sassenach and il walk ye home in a bit.”   
My current position was definitely not home, we were both lying horizontally on Jamie’s couch, his long muscular body under me, and the patchwork quilt from the back of his couch draped around us. One of Jamie’s arms was resting lightly between my shoulder blades and the other resting not as lightly on my arse. I lifted my head to peer at his face, nose scrunched up slightly and eyelids twitching, “I know you’re awake Fraser, are you having a good feel?” The smile broadened and I nudged him in the ribs.  
“Good morning to ye Sassenach” he whispered hoarsely, rubbing his face and letting go of my arse. Jamie stretched out like a cat and I could hear little popping noises coming from his back and shoulders.

I rubbed my eyes and threw some of my hair over my shoulder “How did we end up like this?” Your back must be broke Jamie…” I tried to shift my weight to rise but he tightened his hold, “Its nay broke Sassenach, I’m just fine…um dinna move for a minute.” He quirked an eyebrow and shuffled awkwardly, I could feel his cock twitching against my tummy, a redness was creeping up Jamie’s neck betraying his unease. “Don’t worry.” I said wriggling my eyebrows“it’s a fairly normal bodily functioning Fraser!”   
“Aye well after last night and all we talked about it seems insensitive to be jabbing ye with my cock first thing this morning” His voice was teasing, and I was grateful for it. Jamie tucked one curl behind my ear “how do you feel?” he asked tenderly, eyes intent.

“Surprisingly good”, I replied honestly, “lighter maybe? How about you?”

“Truthfully?” he asked raising his eyebrows, I nodded and Jamie let out a deep exhale of breath. “When I think about it…it’s like I’ve been gut punched…but I am glad I ken what happened…I hate not knowing all your heart Claire.” He went silent for a minute, before continuing “it’s just…” his face grew contemplative as he thought of what to say, and his hand rose pinching his bottom lip between forefinger and thumb, “god Claire…it makes me feel so…so stupid that I laid us both open to such pain…but I canna take it back, aye? And I have to try and live with that”

Not knowing what to say , I lowered my head slightly laying it back on Jamie’s chest. “What time is it?”   
I was usually accustomed to waking, dressing and walking to work in the dark, since the winter mornings didn’t show any light until nearer the time our shifts started. “I dinna ken…but god it felt good to sleep beside ye again” he gave a little contended sigh and started to stroke my hair soothingly. 

My phone started vibrating in my jacket, which was strewn on the back of the couch and I jumped up placing a knee either side of Jamie’s thighs.   
“Fuck” I said seeing Rupert’s name flash on the screen, “I never told him I wouldn’t be home last night.”  
“-- Rupert, I’m sorry I forgot to text…” Rupert cut across me immediately with a tone that assured me I was not in his good graces.   
While trying to grab the phone from my pocket, I had been standing tall on my knees which were carefully placed either side of Jamie’s thighs. As I listened to Rupert lecturing me on my inconsideration I slowly and without conscious thought lowered my arse down on to Jamie. Jamie suddenly rolled his head back, and made a hissing sound as if in discomfort. His arm was spread across his eyes.   
I realised and felt his predicament at once and I had to bite the inside of my mouth to stop me from laughing at his tortured stance.  
I decided to feign ignorance, rather enjoying the effect I was having on him, I continued my phone conversation, while teasingly wriggling my hips as I explained my absence to Rupert.

Jamie seemed to lose track of his surrounding and was making groaning noises that I was sure could be heard over the phone. I reached forward and slapped my hand over his mouth. Jamie managed to wrangle one of my fingers into his mouth and began sucking, a fire was lighting in my belly and my traitorous hips had long forgotten they should be torturing Jamie but were moving and rotating to match my own desire. 

I was barely concentrating on what Rupert was saying until I heard him ask “and where the hell did ye stay anyway?”  
I cleared my throat, hesitating for a minute…”At the hospital…” my voice sounded pitchy, my only saving grace was Rupert couldn’t see my face…” Jamie was now thrusting up the way, his hands secure on my hips, not having the frame of mind or ability to speak I hastily ended the call with a squeaky “I gotta go…work” and hung up.

Jamie and I were urgently rocking against each other, encouraging a delightful friction between Jamie’s arousal and the eagerness building between my own legs.   
As soon as I threw the phone away, Jamie shot up into a sitting position, pulling my head towards him with a firm hand behind it and his other hand guiding my hips his mouth fused with mine and his lips vibrated words of need and profanity into my mouth.   
“Ye ----- will-----be ------the----- fucking ------death -------of ------ me”   
Jamie’s hands moved from my hips, seeking skin under my t-shirt, we were groping madly, biting, and scraping, clutching each other so tight there was no room for breath in our bodies.   
His hands now pressed hard into my lower back, pulling my body tight to him, my breasts rubbed and crushed to his chest, his hands found my breasts and he made a mewling noise which caused me to burst out laughing into his mouth.  
“its nay funny Claire” he said breathlessly, “got yer wee nipples….” I dragged his mouth to me again, silencing any further words from him.  
Our layers of clothes frustrating the currents running through us. “God I want ye” he groaned between sucking and biting down my neck, “oh god” I muttered out “um…me too” before his lips were back on mine.  
“Let’s go to bed Jamie, hmmm?” He drew away and looked at me seriously, and I rotated my hips invitingly “I think we have a little time before work…hmm?” 

Jamie swung his feet to the floor lifting me bodily with him, I ran my hand through his hair, mouths locked together, greedily. 

The desperate need building inside me meant I couldn’t stop moving, I wanted to rid Jamie of all layers, I snuck my hand down between us and started opening the buttons above Jamie’s zipper, “I want this” I said squeezing his length through his jeans and looking down between us.

The effect on Jamie was explosive, he fell forward slightly crushing me between him and the wall outside his bedroom. Leveraging me against the wall his hands were freer to roam down between my own thighs. We were panting heavily, I managed to get his zipper down and his jeans fell to in a billow around his ankles, Jamie was scrabbling wildly at the waist of my yoga pants, trying to wrench them down.  
Suddenly there knocking coming his front door. Jamie appeared to be ignoring it and my head was too muddled to protest but when it became louder and more persistent, I pulled away “Jamie there is someone at your door”, I said breathlessly. He just shrugged his shoulders and recommenced biting and sucking at my neck, “I dinna care…they can go away.”   
The knocking continued and this time it was accompanied by an authoritative voice shouting “anyone home, please open up.” “Jamie” I said pushing him away again, “it sounds important!” Jamie threw his head back and growled “fuck.” Before pulling his pants up and stomping towards the door, mumbling “the fucking world is conspiring against me going to bed with ye!”, by the time Jamie reached the door, his breathing was ragged and his hair was standing in tufts on top of his head, giving him a very menacing look, this accompanied by the practical roar of “what?” should have done the job of frightening any unwitting person away. 

“Sir, there has been a gas leak in this building; all residents have to evacuate immediately.”  
Jamie’s mouth just hung open agape and he shook his head from side to side “ye can’t be serious?” I started giggling at his clear disappointment and he shot me a dirty look. The fire officer just replied “deadly” and moved on to the next apartment.   
Jamie closed the door and pulled me to him again, “I’d be tempted for us to ignore it and go to bed, but I dinna think I should risk ye exploding Sassenach!”  
I ran my hand down his cheek “c’mon lets go.”   
_______________________________________   
We were almost an hour outside Jamie’s apartment block, hopping from foot to foot trying to keep warm, eventually Jamie just unzipped his coat and pulled me to him wrapping me up in the folds of his coat. He grumbled mischievously in my ear about all the things he should be taking off me instead of adding more layers. 

By the time we were eventually allowed back in, I couldn’t feel my feet and Jamie assured me my lips were turning blue. We were just climbing the stairs hand in hand, when we ran straight into Cathal dressed in full uniform. He looked completely taken aback and for a minute, but smiled curtly and said “Claire”, giving me a slight tilt of his head. He began his descent down the stairs and I thought there would be nothing further, but we were just outside Jamie’s front door, when Cathal suddenly reappeared at the top of the stairs, “Can I have a word Claire?” His voice polite but determined. I glanced at Jamie and nodded silently, Jamie held open the door and moved away but not out of my line of vision.  
“I phoned your uncle Lambert” Cathal said pointedly “I was worried about you…and he is too.”

“It is none of your business Cathal, and I would appreciate you not involving Lamb in this.”  
Cathal cut across me, “he told me that you never mentioned Fraser” Cathal pointed his head towards Jamie who was standing stock still holding open his front door. “only that the two of you happened to run into him while out for dinner, he wouldn’t even know that we broke up and that Fraser had moved to London.” Cathal pressed his lips together and folded his arms defensively “makes me wonder” he continued thoughtfully.   
“What?” I said narrowing my eyes at him. “Well you can’t be that sure of your old cheating ex if you were too ashamed to tell Lambert he was back in your life now can you?”  
“You are a spiteful bastard” I spat angrily, “you have absolutely no right to…”

He raised his hand scoffing at me sarcastically “Hey babe don’t get so wound up…you’re fairly touchy about being seen as gullible, I get it.”

“I am not fucking gullible, you’re the one sore here Cathal not me.”   
Without realizing it Jamie was at my side, “I think you had your word with her, if you’re quite done?” He said sharply, putting his arm protectively around my back guiding me towards the door.  
He turned back to face Cathal “I get that ye think Claire is foolish to get involved with me again…but to be honest I dinna give a fuck what you or anyone else thinks, as long as Claire is happy, he paused for a moment and looked to the ground raising his head again with a beaming smile, looking straight at Cathal “as long as Claire is with me, there is nothing else I could want…I am sorry that is hard for ye as clearly ye were good to her but if ye continue to upset her like this, me and you are going to have a wee discussion, aye?”

Cathal didn’t get a chance to respond as a loud voice bellowed from the downstairs lobby calling him. Jamie gave him a tilt of the head and said “ye better be on yer way mate!”.

_________________________________  
Jamie shut the door firmly behind him. Turning to face me, there was a look on his face I couldn’t quite work out, uncertainty, nervousness and something else.  
“I am not ashamed of you” I spluttered out before he had said a word.

Jamie moved his head in agreement but his face was full of doubt, he moved towards me slowly raising his hand to cup my face “I want…” he started and then stopped hesitating.

“Tell me?” I implored.  
“It’s just….” He bit him bottom lip and gazed at me under his lashes. “Ye dinna tell Rupert ye were with me when he rang…”

I opened my mouth to explain but he cut across me “I dinna blame ye Claire….I dinna deserve to be demanding anything from ye.”

He bridged the gap between us and leaned his forehead against mine.

“I want to court ye….like I did when we first met…” his cheeks were pink and he bowed his head nervously not meeting my eye.

I want Lamb and whoever else is important to ye…to know how much I love ye…I ken you said you dinna care what other people think…but ye are the most precious thing to me and I want the world to ken it…it’s a way forward…ye might fall in love with me again?”

He looked so earnest and hopeful, I had to choke back the tears that were stinging my eyes.   
I smiled broadly and softly kissed his lips.

“I would love that Jamie.” I whispered. His face broke out in a wide grin “Right then well we better get to work…but tomorrow night…you”, he said running a hand down and over my chest “and me” entwining my hand and bringing it back over his heart “are goin on a date!”


	19. Calm Waters

Jamie’s instructions of ‘wear something that willna freeze the arse of ye and il pick ye up 6.30pm sharp’ were the sum total of my instructions for our first date.  
I dimly realized dinner was not part of the plan and my stomach groaned from the idea of no food. Varying notions ran through my mind of what he might have planned but I dismissed each one as none of them required thermal underwear. 

I had been slightly disheartened to hear the about the need for warm clothes, for no other reason than it was highly likely that the date was happening outdoors and not near a warm bed, and being honest that is exactly where I wanted Jamie Fraser, in a bed. 

What had almost happened in his apartment the day before wasn’t helping the growing need in my belly. Thinking about being with Jamie that way again made my breath hitch and my cheeks blush. The worst of it being I was too aware of what Jamie and I were capable of when it came to sex, my traitorous imagination was using vivid memories from our past intimate life to taunt me. 

I picked something from my wardrobe that could double up as warm and fairly flattering. I settled on a fitted woolen dress, with tights and my fur lined boots. While I finished applying my make-up I heard Rupert shuffling in the hall saying he would get the door, “…we dinna want you to be disturbing yer beauty routine Clairebear”, jovial sarcasm lightening his tone. There was more shuffling and sighing along with something resembling a munching sound from Rupert before I heard him roar “Claire yer date is here! “I didn’t need to see Rupert’s face to know he was enjoying this immensely.

When I appeared from my room, Jamie was standing awkwardly hands thrust in his pockets and Rupert eyeing him appraisingly.  
Rupert turned to me, blowing air through his cheeks and hooting to himself “ye have come along way …” his hand shaped into a gun and he mimicked pointing it at me and then Jamie “given I wasna even allowed to tell him ye were living here up until a couple of months ago!” he raised one eyebrow at me challengingly.   
I brushed down my dress, ignoring Rupert’s vivacious head swivel, “….don’t forget to turn off the heat before you go to bed.” Again not meeting his eye, but lacing my voice patronizingly to deter Rupert from divulging any other awkward information.   
I gave Jamie a little nod, “you ready?”   
“Aye” he said shyly before smirking and throwing a quick wink at Rupert, “I have been waiting quite a while for this hmm?”   
Rupert snorted and I shot him a dirty look.

“Well ye two love birds have fun now…” he directed while slapping Jamie on the shoulder. We only shut the apartment door when Jamie bent down and kissed me on the cheek whispering “ye look beautiful mo chridhe.”   
________________________________  
When our uber pulled up along a pathway that led down to what I knew to be Regents Canal, it dawned on me that I really hadn’t come close to guessing what Jamie had planned. There were a line of narrowboats tied up along the canal’s deep wall. Some of the boat’s cabins were lit up but the majority was retired for the winter and had no signs of life.  
Jamie approached a guy standing in front of one of the lit up narrowboats, shaking his hand in a casual crisscross gesture. Turning to me with a little nod of his head “Claire this is Angus, Angus and I climbed Kilimanjaro together”   
“You climbed Kilimanjaro?” I asked incredulously, forgetting to greet Angus.   
Angus chuckled and said “oh aye he is a secretive guy this one.”  
I smiled politely at Angus remembering where I was, but I saw Jamie looking at me concerned etched across his face.  
There were times since he came back that I thought I knew him as well as one person knew another, our shared confessions of the hurt we had experienced since we parted or when he held me again made me feel like no time had passed. Then there were times like now when I would stumble over some unsuspecting detail from the last two years and suddenly I felt unsure and alone, not able to bridge the gap.  
Angus started to untie the narrowboat, I felt a foot nudge mine and looked up to see Jamie gaze down at me thoughtfully, “it was one of the tasks I set myself after therapy” he said quietly, “Although none of the lads I climbed with kent that.” The message was clear, and only you do.   
He entwined my hand in his and guided me towards the boat.  
Angus gave us a full tour, and explained to Jamie how to maneuver it down the canal. “well she is all ready for ye…ye canna go too far off course the boats are designed only for the canals so she will drift along until ye come to yer stop, normally takes about three hours or so.” 

After we thanked Angus and he mounted the ladder to return to the dock. Jamie gave me an inquiring look, “I thought it might bring ye back to our first date?” He shuffled a bit on his feet before quickly saying “Sassenach say if it’s too cold or if ya dinna want to…”  
I silenced him by putting my hands on his chest, rubbing my thumb over his heart.  
“It’s an amazing thought Jamie, thank you”, I rose on tippy toes and kissed him softly, “and I am sure you can keep me warm.”   
“I’m gonna raise the wee anchor and it will be just you and me for next few hours.” He promised.

__________________________________________  
True to his word, Jamie had us bobbing down the canal without much preamble. He directed the bow thruster into a straight route and once satisfied it didn’t need further navigation he spread a blanket out on the bow, poured two glasses of whiskey taken from a rucksack he had dropped off earlier, and gestured for me to sit down with a little wink. Once he came to join me on the blanket he pulled me to him so that I sat in between his legs, my back resting against his chest. Although we could see our own breath when we spoke, the heat of Jamie and the blanket he threw around us warmed me blissfully to my bones. I felt a kind of euphoric happiness creep into my cheeks at his close proximity and the dazzling London lights spotted around us. The canal provided privacy, Jamie, me and the moon.  
We chatted about our days and people we knew at the hospital, his family, avoiding uncle lamb completely all topics were normal and easy. After a lull in conversation I drew courage from the whiskey and turned slightly to look at him. “Did you ever think to date again?” I fidgeted with the material of his jeans at my side, “I mean when we were apart…I know you said you didn’t sleep with anyone but…did you meet anyone you could …I dunno…like?”  
I felt a low rumble at my back, “Well I was encouraged by plenty…I think Da was afraid I would end up a monk.”  
“So what did you do?” I asked trying to keep the tension out of my tone. Jamie may have been celibate but a connection with someone would not be the lesser of two evils for me.  
“Ach…I think my mind was closed off to it Claire…I had made my plan fairly early on in my recovery and that was to get better for me…and you.” He exhaled and shifted slightly, “I think that worried my folks” he said quietly, “That I was too focused on you…and if that failed where I would be then?”  
“Off course” I said nodding, although I felt a small pang of worry at what Brian and Ellen thought of me.   
“I had no problem before I met you bedding a lass that I dinna feel much for…it was just sex.” Jamie blurted out abruptly.  
I was thankful he couldn’t see my face, but there was no escaping him as he grabbed my hand and turned me to look at him. I was surprised to see his lips curled up in a smile. “with you even from that first night we went home from the bar…it was like this gut connection…I never told ye this” he paused shyly, “but I remember thinking that night that I dinna care if I never bed another lass again, I only wanted you.”  
I couldn’t stop the smile spreading across my face, “Well I enjoyed it too” I said cupping his cheek. “Jesus Jamie I think I was barely able to walk the next day.” We laughed at the memory, and Jamie turned me back to lie up against his chest again wrapping his arms around me.  
We sat watching the water dip up and down in the moonlight for a time, when Jamie’s voice, slightly husky cut through the silence. “How did you find it being with someone else Claire?” I could feel the muscles twitching in his arms, and my mouth opened to say something, nothing came out, Jamie sensed my hesitation “I mean not bedding someone else…” he clarified quickly. “I just mean …I dinna even ken myself what I mean…” he finished shyly.   
He exhaled and took me by the shoulders turning me to face him again, “I asked ye before and ye told me ye wouldna tell me…but I need to know if ye were in love with him?”  
I fiddled with the sleeves of my coat before looking up at him, “no” I said quietly. “I didn’t love Cathal like that…I cared for him a lot and maybe if you hadn’t showed up…it could have been more, we were only together less than a year.”  
“I suppose we (me and Jamie) fell in love so quickly, I knew when I met Cathal it wasn’t like me and you, but then that made me feel safe, because if I didn’t love him like you” I swallowed and continued, “I couldn’t get hurt.”  
Jamie nodded against my shoulder and quietness fell over us again.  
After a time I felt Jamie’s lips on my ear lobe, slow, teasing. As his tongue dipped over my ear, he whispered “I was mightily jealous, I still am…but I am nay gonna think about it with you here in my arms.”  
I turned to face him and gently ran my tongue up his neckline, then biting what I had softened with my mouth. Jamie stretched appreciatively to allow me access “I think this has been one of my favorite dates” I mumbled into his neck contentedly. “I didn’t ken I was been awarded marks Sassenach…”  
“Oh no?” another groan boyed me on to take his mouth with mine. We kissed languidly, fingers tracing lightly over cheeks and hair. When we broke away Jamie looked down at me intently “Do ye ken on our first date and I said I’d jump into the bottom of the loch for ye?” his eyes held mine searching for recognition. Jamie and I had slept together a total of three times before he asked me out on a proper date when we first met. He had brought me on a fishing trip on Loch Lomond, sometime during the day he had pulled me close and pointed down at the dark murky waters, “down there scares the hell out of me Sassenach…but yet when I look at you I know I wouldn’t hesitate if you jumped in, I would follow you anywhere.” We had only really known each other a few weeks but I didn’t doubt him. I knew then I was falling in love.   
I nodded, “I do…it was the first thing I thought of earlier on, when I saw the boat…you said you would jump into get to me” pinkness flushing my cheeks.  
Jamie leaned down and ghosted his lips over mine, “Well Sassenach I still would.”   
I broke away and looked into his eyes, “you did Jamie, you’re here now and it wasn’t the easiest journey…a bit like falling into a sea drowning no?” He kissed me again slow and intent.  
___________________________  
A couple of hours into our excursion, Jamie pulled me up and said “I never showed ye the wee cabin beneath”, we carefully edged our way down the narrow ladder with Jamie’s hands firm on my hips, the cabin below was small comprising of a little kitchen galley and slightly out of my view I could see a small living area that probably doubled up as a bed.  
Before I had time to maneuver myself further into the small space, Jamie suddenly turned me around and kissed me deeply on the lips. Breathlessly whispering “I just wanted to get ye below deck” when he put his lips to mine again, his tongue stroked and teased until I thought I would dissolve in his mouth. Suddenly I was deprived of his warm mouth, I grasped out desperately seeking his solidness only to be met with air, I opened my eyes to realize that Jamie was on his knees discarding my boots. “What are you doing?” I hissed out. My voice sounded unfamiliar, Jamie didn’t answer but slowly ran his hands up along my calves, over my knees and thighs until I could feel his fingertips under my dress teasing the elastic of my tights down.  
“Jamie” I whispered pleadingly “what are you doing ….we are due to dock any minute.”  
“sshh” he said softly, ignoring my protests.   
He continued to slowly roll my tights down over my quivering knees; holding my ankles one by one until I compliantly stepped out of them. His large hands ran back up my legs and his breath hitched when he ran one hand between my legs teasingly. My head fell back against the ladder as Jamie continued up, resting each hand either side of my hips beneath my dress. Glancing up to meet my eyes, a questioning bite on his bottom lip, was my only indication that he was looking for consent. I wasn’t coherent enough to nod back but I blinked rapidly and his tongue darted out running along his lower lip, smoothing the indentation of his teeth. The anticipation of his mouth between my legs was enough to undo me, he had done this to me thousands of times, expertly making me come with his tongue and a prevailing practiced rhythm. My legs trembled and I begged my mouth not cry out before he had even touched me. 

Jamie raised one thigh reverently, meeting my eye briefly again and resting it gently on his shoulder; I muttered something incoherently under my breath and Jamie chuckled against my thigh, only heightening my desperation. When his tongue made contact with my skin, I made a mewling noise and Jamie’s head emerged from between my legs. “I wanna see do I remember what ye taste like Sassenach”. A very shaky “oh fuck” fell from my mouth and Jamie recommenced his task. His tongue was hot and soft, and he knew just what to do, his fingers pulling my arse closer and closer to match his mouth and my need. He was ferocious, licking and sucking at a punishing pace. Tasting me as if starved.  
I cried out, “oh god” like a mantra over and over, when the ship dipped dramatically it aided Jamie’s efforts and a what started as a groan turned into a full scream. If we were anywhere near the dock, it wouldn’t be a secret that I was in the midst of a mind blowing orgasm. My fingers clasped his curls and I hazily wondering how I had gone so long without him doing this. Light popped behind my eyes and warmth pooled into my belly, again and again until my whole body quivered, moulding itself over his shoulders like jelly. I held myself up by grasping the other side of small entryway, my breath was being released in pants and I couldn’t feel my legs. A lovely thrum of pleasure filling my tummy rendering me speechless.   
When Jamie eventually re-emerged from between my thighs, my eyes were still shut tight, he ran his wet mouth against my knee and I shuddered at the feel of my own climax on my skin. “Jesus Christ” I said exhaling loudly. His voice came from the ground low and husky “I had almost forgotten how good ye taste and feel on my tongue.” When I looked down, Jamie was beaming up at me his face full of triumph, he quirked one eyebrow at me, “how about a second date?”


	20. Traditions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas is coming...

Christmas was raging through London; the hospital looked as if Santa and his reindeers had thrown up on every corner. Trees, tinsel and Christmas songs were unavoidable. I had a warmth towards the upcoming festivities that had been absent in my heart for some time, and not unrelated to Jamie’s resuming presence in my life. It was no longer a painful reminder of traditions we once shared that were no more now there was a kind of tentative hope for Christmases of the future with him.  
I wouldn’t allow myself to even ask Jamie about his plans for Christmas, it was enough to have him around for the lead up, and there were still a shyness between us that left certain topics untouched. It was all new territory, technically Jamie and I had shared but one date and yet had years of intimate history, a weird balancing act was at play.   
There had been a delay on our second date due to unrelenting overtime. But Jamie still had managed to drag me into an abandoned storeroom or two, for a stolen kiss or to force me to eat half his sandwich, wiping mayonnaise from my lip with his thumb. Fleeting moments keeping us connected. Secret eyes across a busy ward made my belly tingle and my heart beat fast; it was a delicious mixture of excitement and possibility. There was however one small niggling thing, pulling me down and it maddened me that I was even allowing it room to grow. But I was.  
The physio student (Sarah) who was tasked with shadowing Jamie, seemed to be following him regardless of clinical instruction. Her movements were not of someone who was trying to observe or learn but of someone who was keenly interested in Jamie the person rather than Jamie the physiotherapist. A glance that lasted too long, a persuasive tone to join a group on a staff night out, and a touch that brokered on inappropriate.  
It wasn’t that Jamie reciprocated, I wasn’t even sure if he was aware of it. At first it was just subtle sweeps of her hair as she laughed hysterically at something he said, or a hand placed on his back to get his attention but more recently she had asked him on several staff nights out and I questioned her motives.  
The whole thing left me uneasy, it was a reminder of what we had been through, but also it was reflected the shift in my personality since Jamie cheated, before I am not sure if I would have noticed a girl giving him this type of attention, now I was finely tuned and I hated it.   
Coming across them at the nurses station in A&E, Jamie was head bent over a chart, ticking boxes as he went. Sarah was beside him her front to his side, “aw c’mon you have to go” she whined, playfully nudging him in the arm. “It will be no fun if you don’t…” Jamie moved slightly away, drawing his back straighter. I busied myself rooting in a drawer looking for blood sample tubes. “Given ye have never seen me on a night out Sarah I dinna ken how ye are so sure that I am fun…and no I willna be going -- I have plans.” He said flatly continuing to read the chart spread out in front of him. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see her arm rising slowly to either rest on his shoulder or back. I wasn’t sure if Jamie sensed it as it was out of his line of vision. “Sarah did ye check on the electrotherapy unit like I asked ye?” Sarah shot him a dazzling smile, “oh yes I forgot sorry.”   
Once Jamie had freed himself of his tail, he meandered his way over to me “hi you” he said softly beside me, “Hey” I replied head still buried in the supply drawer, I daren’t look up in case he would see the worry lines all over my face. “

“What are ye doing later?”  
“um…working til 10pm I’m afraid”…not sure what he had in mind.”   
“will ye save me a little of yer energy?”  
I pulled my head out of the supply drawer quickly and quirked one eyebrow at him.   
I was rewarded with a jaw breaking grin “god Sassenach get yer mind out of the gutter would ye.” Immediately he had me back with him in my mind, when he looked at me, I didn’t worry about Sarah or any other woman. It was like nothing existed beyond me and him. I berated myself for being so mistrustful.  
I kicked his ankle discreetly and said through gritted teeth “wot…it’s your wicked ways that has put my mind in the gutter.”   
Jamie seemed to veer off in his own world for a minute, he ran his tongue longingly along his bottom lip. “aye well ye make me want to do wicked things to ye…” he looked like he was about to kiss me or worse in the nurses station so I widened my eyes and he pulled on my index finger secretly beneath the high desk, “Come by my place after 10pm, aye?” I nodded and couldn’t hide the silly grin shaping my mouth. 

The wind had whipped my hair all over my face on the walk to Jamie’s, I was just about to pat it down when the door of Jamie’s apartment swung open and he stood smirking wildly at me. “Come here my wee scare crow…” he cupped my cheeks affectionately and gently removed hair from eyes and cheeks. “Yours?” I said saucily, which awarded me a sheepish shrug.   
Jamie glanced up above the door and made a loud ahem noise, following his gaze I noticed a large mistletoe hanging over the archway, when I looked back Jamie was tilting his head to the side, his eyes on my mouth. His smile was a mixture of apprehension and sweetness. I bit my bottom lip pretending to consider my options. Jamie moved one step closer, “it’s a tradition Sassenach, ye ken it”, I bridged the gap and drew his head down to my lips, I kissed the smile from his face and surprised him and myself by almost swallowing him whole. The result seemed to please Jamie because when we eventually broke away his lips, bruised and red quirked into a half smile, “yer a verra fine kisser Claire” his accent thicker than usual.  
“Can I come in now?”   
Jamie seemed to have forgotten we were still standing in the doorway, he looked around him bewildered but stood out of the way promptly. “I wouldha put that mistletoe up in November if I kent I could get that reaction.” I heard him mutter under his breath  
“What did you say?”  
“nothin.”   
Jamie stood back and revealed a rather large or more accurately put, massive tree, he stood ushering both hands in front of it. “Do ye like it?”   
“Jamie” I said exhaling, “How the hell did you even fit it through the door, its enormous?”  
“Och, weel.” He said looking down bashfully and apparently taking great pleasure in praise of the tree.   
It was undecorated, clearly a new addition to the apartment and spanned in breath across the double window that resided beside, the narrow tip at the top bent an inch to accommodate the ceiling, Jamie would have had to drag this monstrosity up three flights of stairs.  
After I finished examining it, I looked to Jamie who was rubbing the back of his neck nervously. Looking up at me through his lashes, “What?” I asked growing concerned.  
Without saying another word Jamie retreated to his bedroom and returned with a large box, I recognized it instantly. It was our box of Christmas baubles and decorations one of the few possessions I had asked Geilis to go back and get for me once I was capable of missing possessions. They had been accumulated over our time together, each one acquired with a memory I could recall vividly.   
“How did you get these?” I asked my eyebrows almost hitting the ceiling. The box had been stored in Lambs apartment in London. It was a large trendy penthouse that had far more storage that mine and Rupert’s little flat. Jamie was opening the box slowly and tilting it towards me slightly, “Do ye wanna have a look?” I moved towards it hesitantly knowing by deciding to look back on those memories I was agreeing to more than just a walk down memory lane, I was reopening and moving forward.   
“You didn’t answer me, how did you get them?” I asked tipping the box forward slightly for a glance inside. “I met with Lambert last week.” Jamie said exhaling loudly, biting his bottom lip.  
“You what?” he nodded again “Aye, arranged to meet him for coffee to discuss you…well me and you.”   
My mouth fell open agape, and something stirred in me. Awe and fear, I couldn’t believe Jamie had gone to such lengths yet I worried instantly over how the meeting had gone. His lips curled up into a half smile, reading my face. “It went better than I thought…although I willna say I am finished probation but I spoke a bit about the mess I was in…” Jamie paused looking to the ground. “And I told him how much I love you and want you back.” His cheeks flushed running down along his neck.   
“Jamie” I said softly, “it was lovely of you to speak with Lamb I would never have expected you to reveal what had happened you just to gain his approval, but I appreciate it.”  
Jamie beamed back at me, “Aye well anyway he told me he had these and I asked him could I get them off him.”  
“I wanted to put the tree up for ye in your apartment but I ken Rupert is there and well….”Jamie shrugged his shoulders “ye ken what he is like” rolling his eyes he continued “So I thought if I had the tree here we could add these to it together, kinda to remember?” His cheeks were now stained with a purple hue, he looked so endearing I wanted to crush him to me, “it’s probably …a bad idea and I am gone totally soft” rucking his hand through his hair nervously, I moved towards him and guided his hand down from the top of his head to entwine with mine, “Its lovely Jamie.”

Jamie and I spent the next couple of hours, drinking beers with cheesy Christmas songs playing in the background. Putting our collection of old baubles and trinkets around the tree, tears of laughter bubbling in our eyes at the memories some invoked, others were more quiet subdued, like when I pulled out the star we bought to remember Willie the first Christmas after he passed away.   
When we were finished I stood back proudly and Jamie wrapped his arms around me from behind. “It’s braw Sassenach” ye always had a good touch for these things.   
“Well I make more artistic effort than you throwing them at the tree hoping they’ll stick.” I teased.   
He twirled me around to face him, “So the other reason for the tree is…” Jamie swallowed hard and looked much more nervous than he had been all evening.   
“Ye owe me a second date?”   
I nodded smiling, “Yes I have every intention of following through though why do you look so edgy?”  
Jamie stood back a bit his eyes darting around my face as if looking for clues. “Lamb said he has a dig in India next week, he willna be here for Christmas.” I nodded my brows creased in confusion no idea what Lamb had to do with our second date.  
“Yes he is away” I confirmed.  
“Weel” Jamie took both my hands in his, and looked me straight in the eye, “I was wondering for our second date…would you spend Christmas with me here?”  
Now it was my turn to blush, I really expected Jamie to be going home for Christmas, I had no idea spending it together was a possibility. I couldn’t pretend the lightness in my heart at the thought of it, yet there was a niggling unease. Was this too soon? We literally were just back in each other’s lives, Christmas together? It was an unspoken commitment.   
Jamie as usual read my face, “I ken ye probably have plans with Geilis or friends in London.” The answer to that was yes, but none that I couldn’t get out of. “For the past two years Claire I dinna even want to pretend Christmas was happening…now that I have found you again…I am excited about it all…but I am excited about our traditions together, wearing stupid pyjamas Christmas eve and drinking too much wine, or waking up Christmas morning with my hands down yer pants.” A wicked grin splayed across his face.  
“Jamie” I said slapping him across the arm.  
“I am kinda joking…” he trailed off sheepishly, “but seriously I wanna wake up with you Christmas morning, give ye a present maybe? Cook for ye and watch them silly movies that make ye cry.”   
I suddenly could feel tears brimming my eyes, at the memory of all those exquisite Christmases wrapped up in Jamie’s arms, I never thought I would get those back.  
“Christmas to me is you Sassenach….it doesna happen without ye.”  
I looked into his blue eyes and knew I wanted nothing else but to spend it with him.  
“hmmmok…” I said pulling him down to me, “it’s an ambitious second date…but I am all in!”


	21. Christmas Eve Babe..

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> NSFW  
> Claire and Jamie spend Christmas eve together.

Thank you to @balfeheughleywed, an essential part of this fic.

“Ok tell me this plan then?”   
Jamie rested an arm against the wall behind my head and ran the other hand up under the hem of my scrubs, letting out a contended sigh. He leaned lower to reach my ear gently taking it between his teeth “I will go for a quick drink with the lads…keep Rupert happy…aye?” his words were muffled as he continued to bite and suck down my neckline.  
I made an agreeable sound, and enjoyed the feeling of his thumb drawing circles around my belly button. His hand wandered lazily up over my tummy and rested just below my breast, “I will make my way to the flat then…” his hand trailed as if illustrating the story he was telling, his finger walking over my body. I attempted to make another agreeable sound but it came out as a squeaky exhalation.   
I pulled him by the waist band of his own scrubs so I could reach down and cup his arse drawing him into my body, “and then what?” I asked. His tongue now was making its way across the corners of my mouth teasingly until he ventured over my eyelids, lightly kissing each one “Then Sassenach we are gonna start our second date ….and I am hoping ye might let me do some indecent things to ye…?” I gave another little tug of his arse and grinded my hips against his arousal.  
“God” he said exhaling loudly, “I’d take ye right here in this store room, if ye would let me!”  
He sealed his lips over mine and kissed the breath from my lungs, “I canna wait to share a bed with ye again…”   
“Oh yes…I meant to tell you…I can’t actually stay tonight.”  
His eye eyebrows shot up to the ceiling and he pulled back to look at me, panic written all over his face. When he saw my smirk he snorted “that is no funny…that is the terms of the second date…we have to wake up Christmas morning together Claire…ye promised aye?”.  
And there in a grotty store room on Christmas eve we made out until I actually was tempted to drop my scrubs and let Jamie carry out his earlier proposal. Sense prevailed and we broke apart with the promise of seeing each other in a few hours in complete uninterrupted privacy. Jamie was already finished his shift, but I was due to be there until much later that evening. The yearning over the past few weeks was almost at boiling point and the promise of sharing Christmas together made my heart beat so hard, I was afraid my chest would bruise.

The longing in Jamie’s eyes as he snuck out of the store with a whisper of “dinna leave me waiting too long Claire…I canna wait to start Christmas with ye.” Left my heart and body palpitating to be with him again.  
______________________________

 

A couple of hours after Jamie left, my stars aligned and a pre-Christmas day lull allowed me to clock off early. I rushed home, showered and packed an overnight bag. I wrestled with the idea of ringing Jamie and have him meet me at his apartment but he was having a drink with some friends from home and I didn’t want to be a kill joy. I eventually decided to head to the bar and meet him there.  
The bar had live music, a tiny stage no more than a foot off the ground with an even tinier circular dance floor. It was overcrowded with people that had been out drinking most of the day, a couple playing guitar was singing a version of Fairytale of New York on the stage.   
Jamie was standing just at the edge of the dancefloor with a group of lads, one was telling a story while the rest practically held their bellies laughing. Jamie was slightly bent over apparently wheezing with amusement. My heart warmed at the sight of him, and without conscious thought I found myself admiring his broad muscular back, imagining my nails scraping down it later.  
Wanting to surprise him, I slid between the crowds gingerly, maneuvering my shoulders over and back between bodies to get nearer. I was no more than a few feet away when I caught a glimpse of blonde hair skimming over Jamie’s back, the same back I had just been admiring and the same hair I had wearily noticed at the hospital, Sarah. 

Clearly she was out to attract, as she was probably the most provocatively dressed woman in the room, her long legs were covered in shiny knee high boots and accompanied by a short red dress, barely covering her thighs, a santa hat tilted to the side of her head and by the way her arms stretched reaching over the back of Jamie’s shoulders, she was there to attract him. I watched on in panic as she used her hands to shield his eyes playfully. Her hips grinding against Jamie’s back, along to the solid rhythm of the music. Rising on her tippy toes Sarah whispered something in his ear. A blonde girl with her hands all over Jamie was a memory I could have done without.  
A physical pain coursed through my body and first instincts were to run, cognizant that I was probably inclined to make a show of myself and let indulgent tears flow down my cheeks. The fear fed on the fact that Jamie was allowing and accepting Sarah’s advances and maybe had been all along.   
The crooning of ‘its Christmas eve babe’ made the whole scene in front of me seem like a cruel version of Love Actually where the lead actress naively should have learned her lesson first time around. Just as I turned to leave, I spotted Jamie’s body swirl around, I expected to see a flirty smile that I thought was saved just for me, to be traitorously now reacting to Sarah’s embrace. Instead what I saw almost shook me to the core, Jamie’s face was fierce, and it made me stop in my tracks, his lips formed into a pout as he narrowed his eyes and pressed his bottom lip into his mouth, frustrated. I moved tentatively one step, then another using a large man to buffer me from Jamie’s view. I needed to hear what he was saying as otherwise my mind would imagine hundreds of scenarios.  
Jamie didn’t offer his touch in welcome; instead he stood glaring at her. “I have been tolerant Sarah based on yer youth…but I have had enough now…its one thing if ye think that what ye are do’n is acceptable, it’s another thing all together if ye are under the impression that I think it’s acceptable, which I absolutely do not. I wouldna dream of approaching a woman and doing what ye just did there without their consent, and if it was just here and now maybe I would be willin to overlook it, but it’s not”  
I could see Jamie breathing heavily through his nose before continuing, his mouth set in a grim line. It was through gritted teeth when he spoke again.  
“I have told ye that I have a girlfriend…” a girlfriend, “yet ye are completely inappropriate at work…ye dinna have any regard for my feelings, then I wouldha hoped ye would take heed of hers. Do ye even ken how this would look? Ye have just told me ye came here to surprise me…uninvited. Christ it borders on harassment! He was glowering now his chest rising and falling rapidly with an attempt to curb his anger.  
I didn’t need to see Sarah’s face to know she must be crying, Jamie sighed deeply and gave her a withering look, “take yerself home lass, and I will presume that this willna happen again.”  
I could see her hand rise slowly to rub at her cheeks and nose, Jamie looked down at her a mix of impatience and sympathy fleeting across his face. He stood stock still and crossed his arms defensively; giving her a moments grace he adjusted his eye to look over her head, at the same time my buffer moved suddenly and I was exposed. It only took him a minute to sense my presence, his stare now turning instantly soft he lingered on me momentarily before the softness evaporated and was replaced with a look of panic. He side stepped a sobbing Sarah and was in front of me in two strides, he had no idea what I had perceived his interaction with Sarah to be, my face probably looked crest fallen still, I hadn’t had a chance to properly process his strong rebuke of her.

“Sassenach…that wasna” his hand scoured his mop of of red hair and he took hold of my forearm preparing for me to balk “…what it looked like.”  
I swallowed hard to ease the dryness that had invaded my mouth. “it’s ok.” I managed to mumble out, wringing my hands together awkwardly. “Claire I ken ye never need see anything like that again…and I will make sure ye never do.” I was still struggling of what to say, my hands were trembling and I was afraid my face would give away too much so I kept my gaze downwards. “Claire I beg ye look at me.” His voice was pleading; desperate I had to look up.   
Jamie’s eyes were fraught and he blinked rapidly. My heart almost broke at the sight of him, he had done nothing wrong but he was taking my silence as his conclusion. I did the only thing I could, I tentatively reached up and ran my hand around his neck and drew his face down to mine. When I eventually pulled away Jamie’s chin trembled slightly and he tried to force a smile, “Sorry Sassenach…ye must think me a fool…I just panicked, I dinna ken what ye thought.” 

I stroked his chin with my fingers, “take me home Jamie, I am ready to start out second date.” 

_____________________________________  
By the time we reached Jamie’s flat I could see his nervousness as he struggled and failed to unlock his front door. Muttering “this has never happened before” I stilled his hands and took the key, turning it easily with some pressure. He looked positively mortified and I winked at him teasingly.  
Once inside the front door I noticed he had put a bottle of champagne on ice, he rummaged in the fridge and produced a bowl of mixed berries “for the bubbly” he said with a dip of his head. His right hand was tapping a rhythm against his thigh.   
“Why don’t you pour two glasses and I will change into…eh something more comfortable.”  
He nodded appreciatively, relieved to be given some instruction. I shut the door of Jamie’s bedroom and lay my bag down; first impressions were it was gleaming, not unusual for Jamie but never to this standard. Roaming around inquisitively, I picked things up and put them down again. I wanted to give Jamie a little time to relax, adjust to me being there and the implication for us by me staying the night. Although this was technically our second date, going to bed together had been building for a long time. I couldn’t stop myself opening the top drawer of his bedside locker, a packet of new unopened condoms, some loose change and a receipt. I glanced at the receipt, yesterday’s date for a local pharmacy, he had purchased the condoms, some overly priced mouthwash and shower gel. I was on birth control, when Jamie and I were together we had only used condoms for the first month. We had both been tested and decided to step down the condoms, embarrassingly we couldn’t wait to stop and put one on, or had been caught without having one with us at a time where abstaining until we had one, never crossed our minds.  
Ironically I had used them with Cathal, I hadn’t really processed why, I just never offered to stop. I didn’t think Jamie and I would use them tonight but I appreciated him not presuming.  
I almost hit my head off the lamp when I heard Jamie say “are ye ok in there?”   
“Um yes yes sorry…just couldn’t find something in my bag”  
That brought me on to my next issue, what the ‘comfortable’ clothing should be? I had gone out and bought a sexy looking chemise with matching underwear, now presented with the idea of sitting on the couch next to Jamie wearing this lacy skimpy dress, felt rather ridiculous. While the silky black material that swung down just below my breasts to rest above my knees, was not at all impractical or shocking, the same could not be said for what was covering my cleavage. The thick lacy straps that ran over my shoulders, continued down to my breasts, and was just as described, lace. A chance sighting of my nipples would not prove impossible. I luckily had the sense to buy a matching robe with it and gratefully wrapped that around me. Inhaling deeply I went out to meet my date.  
Jamie was bent over the little gas stove lighting it, champagne and fruit laid out on the coffee table behind him. He looked over his shoulder briefly when I entered the room, still distracted by keeping the fire lit when he caught sight of me. He looked once and again, suddenly forgetting the fire he stood up from his hunches and wiped his hands down the front of his jeans, swallowing hard.   
“Claire” he exhaled loudly and almost choked on my name, he cleared his throat quickly composing himself. I couldn’t help but giggle, pulling the neckline of my dressing gown back slightly; I dipped my head shyly and said “I um treated myself to some new lingerie Geilis will probably rob later.” Jamie looked like he was gulping back air, before he muttered “she willna ever get her hands on it, while I breathe.” He took two large strides until he stood in front of me, something registered on his face and he doubled back grabbing the champagne from the table. Returning with two glasses in hand, offering one to me. He downed his own in one shot, while never taking his eyes off me. I was nervous but Jamie looked frantic. I sipped my on glass coyly while watching him. “Do you want to sit on the couch?”  
He nodded agreeably and but then gave a nervous chuckle and shook his head from side to side reversing his decision, my brows creased in confusion, “I mean I ken that is what I should do, sit on the couch beside ye…talk, play some of the silly games I had planned, feed ye fruit.” He paused and swallowed “but the truth is I want ye very badly Claire and I while this is not a new bit of information…I dinna anticipate ye would be wearing this” his hands ran up and down the length of my body to illustrate. Boyed on by his pent up frustration, I teasingly opened my robe letting it slink slowly down by body, “what this little thing, is putting you off?” Jamie’s breath hitched and he rucked his hand through his hair, “Jesus Claire” he shook his head from side to side and stood unabashedly staring at me.  
Clearly I was going to leading this interlude because Jamie seemed incapable of speech or movement. I edged one step closer and rested my free hand on his chest, downing my own glass of champagne I handed him back my empty glass and said “meet me in the bedroom” he nodded dumbly.  
Jamie reappeared in the bedroom a few minutes later and I noticed to my amusement that is hair was standing in wild rucks all over his head from running his hand through, his eyes held mine fervently for a moment and he cleared his throat before speaking “I feel like a sixteen year old school boy about to lose his virginity…and I dinna think it will last much longer than that”, he said it grinning but I noticed how his gaze dropped to the floor anxiously.  
I went to him then wanting nothing more than to give him the confidence he had given me, just by not hiding his want or desire for me.   
Running my hands beneath his shirt, feeling the soft hairs of his chest and rubbing his hardened nipples, I brought my mouth within a hair of his and said “I want you Jamie.”  
It didn’t take much more than that he all but engulfed me, groaning into my mouth, he released all his pent up need in that one kiss, languidly running his tongue over my lips and slipping it inside my mouth with a delicious whimper. I made quick work of unbuttoning his shirt, enjoying the solidness of his carved chest by smoothing my hands over all the dips and peaks, finally settling on using my mouth to taste and suck at the taut skin there.   
When I ran my hands down to Jamie’s belt buckle, he bit his lip and met my eye. I pulled his jeans over his hips slowly, giving him a little well done smirk when he stepped out of them.  
Once Jamie stood in nothing but his underwear, his eyes drank me in as he decided how he wanted to disrobe me. I rested my thumb and forefinger at the clasp on my shoulder to indicate where he should start His hand stilled for a moment over the clasp, and I felt his fingers tremble vibrating the material slightly. I put my hand over his “are you ok?”  
“aye I’m just…” he exhaled loudly, “I dinna ken how to say this without ye thinking me daft….” He was was blushing furiously. I raised my eyebrows “spit it out! It’s just us Jamie…we have done this before you know?” I tilted my head enquiringly. 

“that’s just the hell of it, aye? WE have done this before and yet we have had two years apart…and ye have had other experiences!” he said eyes wide and imploring.  
“What the hell?” I started to say has that to do with anything. Before I could finish Jamie grabbed me by the rest, and pulled me to him. “I wanna please ye Claire…I want to be enough, I canna say it any plainer.”  
He stood stock still, breathing heavily. I think my eyes were almost as high as the ceiling. I shook off the need to scold him and took sympathy on the heartfelt eyes before me. Instead I allowed my fingers inside the waist of his boxer shorts, not breaking our gaze, I took him slowly in my hand, using my fingers to run over the tip of his length and then down, one fluid motion. “Christ” he muttered almost hissing. “In this universe or an alternative you will always please me, Jamie Fraser”  
My words must have unlocked or rather freed his worry and restraint because suddenly he was everywhere. The clasp made a clean clicking sound and my expensive lingerie slipped down my body. Jamie took a step back letting his eyes wash over me intensely, almost to the point of embarrassment on my behalf. Just as I was about to shield myself, he swallowed hard shook his head incredulously and said “Claire ye are the most exquisite woman I have ever laid eyes on, ye make my heart feel like it might stop” he grinned then “and my cock feel like it may snap off from the need to be inside ye.”  
Jamie moved forward a step and walked us to the bed, ridding himself and me of our underwear as we moved. I slided onto his bed, bracing myself up on my elbows to enjoy the sight of the predator look taking over Jamie’s face as he climbed on top of me.   
He gave me an ear splitting grin when he reached my face, reaching down and sucking my nipple until it was primed, then useing his teeth to gently graze over it. The heat building between my legs was making me wriggle under him shamelessly. He repeated the process on my other nipple and I careened back, arching my hips. Taking him by the ears, I directed him up, spreading my thighs beneath him. “in” I said bluntly. He smiled mischievously and said “nah Sassenach…not just yet.”  
His large hand trailed down between my legs, until he touched my core, sliding a finger in past my clit and feeling the increasing wetness there, sweat crept across my skin and I bit his shoulder while arching my hips wantonly.  
“ugh god Jamie please…” another finger, Jamie clearly ignoring me pleas. I felt desperate, I had no air in my lungs, he was moving his fingers inside me purposefully, increasing his pace, his tongue darted into my ear and he huskily murmured “Sassenach ye are so wet” that threw me off a ledge and I could hear my own breathing getting frantic. “I want ye to come Claire.” My hips erratically rode his hand until Jamie got his way, a beautiful blazing light, leaving me boneless, sated and completely unaware of anything but the feel of the cotton sheets and the solid body rolling on top of me.  
My eyes shut tight, I heard his voice at my ear again, this time voracious and almost growling, “Claire I need ye, im just going to get a condom.” I grabbed his arm reaching for his bedside locker and said “its ok if you are happy not to.”  
One nod of my head in confirmation, was all it took. Jamie nudged my legs apart and sheathed himself deep inside me in one ruthless thrust. Something resembling a deep moan resonated from my mouth almost startling me, Jamie was still as a stone over me, looking at me reverently. “Jesus the feel of ye Claire… do you have any idea how much I have burned for you.” I ran my tongue across him bottom lip and cupped his arse, ”show me then.” I said in challenge.  
Jamie moved slowly, one, twice and then we were off. His body showed me all the power it had and he came into me again and again harder than before. His husky moans making me fall apart around him, my hips met his and there was nothing to hear in the room only the sound of our skin coming together over and over, and the cries of need falling from our mouths.  
I clawed his back and buttocks, taking him as deep as I could, sweat breaking out across his brow. I could tell he was holding back, trying to avoid his own release until he was sure of mine. Resting his forehead against my cheek, he snuck one hand between us and whispered, “I want to feel us together.”   
I was spiralling after that, the idea of him inside me and his hand feeling our labours. I clutched the sheet beneath me and arched my hips from the bed crying out at my release, as I clamped my legs around Jamie’s thighs he spilled inside me, his rasping moan inhaled by my greedy mouth.  
We were sweat drenched and breathing fiercely when he finally rolled off me, the cool air drying our bodies, Jamie rolled to his side, pulling me into him, face to face. Silence and then softly, “I love you Claire”.  
I reached up and used my index finger to run along his bottom lip, the deep throbbing like a heart beat between my legs making me thrum against him. “I love you too, Happy Christmas”


	22. Little Drummer Boy.

The next morning; my much needed sleep was interrupted by the smell of bacon wafting in from the kitchen, and Jamie humming along tunelessly to Bing Crosby singing White Christmas. We had fallen asleep entangled with each other’s bodies.   
During the years we were apart, I missed the sex, the intimacy but most of all I missed Jamie holding me while I slept. There was a security in his arms that I had never been able to repeat with anyone else. This time around his grip had seemed firmer and if I shifted at all burrowed closer into my back, hand firm around my stomach and one holding my breast almost possessively.  
My thighs ached; it made me want to stretch so I could feel the tell-tale burn of a being well loved. The previous night played behind my eyes, Jamie had hid nothing from me, the longing there, left no room for doubt, I hoped I returned the favour, I never wanted anyone so badly in and I wanted him to know it. There was a shift in us, unspoken secrets shared as he poured himself into me.

I slipped out of bed and padded out to the kitchen, creeping up behind Jamie and sliding my arms around his waist as he flipped bacon. “Well good morning mo chridhe” he replied, sighing a little at my touch and holding my hand in place around his centre, “Happy Christmas Sassenach”.   
“hmm, you too” I grumbled into his back, “the bed got cold without you…why are you up singing, cooking and being annoyingly spritely?” I asked teasingly.   
“Because”, he said turning to me and tucking me in against his chest. “It’s Christmas morning” he tenderly placed a kiss to the top of my head and a butt from his hip as he directed me towards his breakfast bar. “I need to feed ye…and then we have to go to mass.”  
My eyebrows raised slightly, “mass?”. “aye mass…ya ken in a church with a priest…I am fairly sure I dragged ye along before Claire”  
Lamb had raised me to be more spiritual than religious and we definitely fitted more into the atheist category, Jamie was catholic as was the rest of his family. I should have figured that mass might be a possibility. He was watching me now apprehensively “if that’s ok with ye?” 

“Oh yes off course”…I looked over my shoulder towards his bedroom, “it’s just I hadn’t really brought much in the line of clothes for ….mass…” I could only see the side of his face now but to see the wide grin spreading up his jaw. “Ach Sassenach wear that wee number that ye wore to bed last night…It will make the priest’s Christmas to be sure” Jamie whistled to himself happily while flipping the bacon, I shot him a dirty look. “If you recall I didn’t wear anything to bed” I quipped back.  
Jamie made a deep noise of appreciation in his throat, “hmm that’s right” he said sparing me a quick glance over his shoulder. As he poured two large mugs of coffee and placed them in front of me. I gulped mine back gratefully.  
He reached across the counter and stroked my hand with his fingers. His voice took on a husky tone, and I could see his Adams apple bobbing ,once twice before he spoke “Claire…last night”, his head dipped suddenly and he examined the palm of my hand, his cheeks were pink and he sank his teeth into his bottom lip. “I dinna ken how to put it into words, how good it felt…and not just the sex…although that was “his eyebrows raised to the ceiling and he grinned playfully “quite something”, “but it’s more than just that, its sleeping together…waking up with ye”, he brought my hand up to his mouth and kissed the back of it softly.  
I got up from my stool and walked around to him standing between his legs as his hands stroked my back “me too, that is one of the things I missed most... ” We sat drinking each other in for a few minutes before Jamie rubbed my forearms and said “god I would prefer to just go straight back to bed with ye…” hmm I said looking towards the bedroom contemplatively “but I would feel like I was leading you astray if you missed mass…on my account.” I gave him one last nip against his ear before saying “feed me and I will have a quick shower before we go …”  
Jamie true to his word plated up an array of fried bacon pancakes and fruit, making a corny heart shape decoration with the maple syrup on my plate and rolling his eyes at the same time. “Ye make me all shades of foolish Sassenach”  
After breakfast I grabbed a few things from my overnight bag and headed for Jamie’s bathroom.  
Running a hand along his bathroom cabinet, I noted the toiletries on the shelf, each one neatly placed in order of use, I felt a weird pang when I noticed he had switched some of his steadfast brands of shampoo and body wash. As daft as it was, I instantly wondered why he had changed. A tiny minuscule detail in his life but suddenly I wanted to know them all. I lifted a bottle to read the label, when I noticed it. A small very pretty bottle with a silver cap and sketched ivy around the label, the bottle had the fragrance noted in elegant print ‘Pomelo’ by Jo Malone and it had been opened. There was nothing awfully unusual about any of this, only that it was the very same extremely expensive ladies shower gel I had used for the past five years or so, one I stubbornly never deferred from.   
Jamie always bought it for me, complaining bitterly ‘30 quid for soap is obscene Sassenach’, but buy it he did, ‘I canna say it doesn’t make me want to devour ye whole when ye use It’. It wasn’t an old one belonging to me; any toiletries I owned had been packed away and taken the day I left. My heart nearly leapt out of my chest when I heard Jamie’s hoarse voice say “See something ye like?”   
The screech I released was completely from being caught with my hands in the honey jar. He was standing against the half open door, arms folded and an amused expression on his face, “I was just um….going to have a shower and this bottle caught my eye…” I trailed off guiltily. I had so been engrossed noising through his personal belongings…I hadn’t even heard him approach.   
The recent intimate familiarity evaporated with my scream, Jamie gave me the most curious expression as I wriggled away from the sink and towards the shower, dropping the bottle on a shelf along the way, “I should just wash …” I said lamely. Jamie in turn gave me his own hangdog look. “I suppose ye are wondering why I own that very expensive woman’s body wash.” His head tilted to the bottle now cast aside as evidence against me. “Um no…I just recognised it and…picked it up…I’m sorry …” I gave him a sheepish grin, “I’d like to say I wasn’t snooping but that would be a lie” “I have nothing to hide from ye Sassenach…” Jamie said sincerely, but his cheeks did flame then, bright red “although I feel a bit silly now that ye found it”   
“Jamie honestly, you might have had guests or whatever, it really is none of my business…” I babbled out, still walking backwards towards the shower. He shook his head as if I was stupid. “Claire ye ken perfectly well it’s the body wash ye use…and it’s for women…I have no reason to keep such a thing.”  
My teeth sank down on my bottom lip, stopping it curling up at the sides, the sole of my bare foot running against my ankle nervously. “Why then?” I blurted, no longer able to feign indifference.  
He shrugged his shoulders defeated, “its yer smell…is it no?”, it was a rhetorical question, I didn’t need to answer. “It was just another daft way for me to keep ye with me.”  
I swallowed hard and felt tears sting the back of my eyes. I stopped my withdrawal and crept towards him slowly, not sure what to say. “You are incredibly romantic, do you know that?”  
“I am incredibly daft ye mean” he gave me a wry smile.  
His sweatpants hung low on his waist and the flames that had lit his cheeks earlier, left him with a kind of ruddy glow. He looked fine, more than fine and he had kept my scent with him when I no longer was, I wanted him but more than that I wanted to show him that it was not stupid, it made my toes curl up with the need of him.

I approached him slowly; Jamie’s head was tilted inquisitively watching me. I rested my hands on either side of his bare chest, and lowered my head slowly nipping at the skin just above his nipple, biting and twisting the skin with my teeth. Jamie let out a hissing noise. “Did that hurt?”  
“aye it did” he said burrowing his eyebrows at me indignantly. ”am I being punished?” I wriggled my eyebrows at him and continued down, slowly, repeating the process but as I got nearer his groin, I hooked my thumbs inside his sweatpants and slid them down past his hips easily revealing a very hard and throbbing Jamie, Suddenly he made to pull me back up to him by the elbows “A nigheann, I dinna want ye on yer knees.”  
I gave him a stern look that indicated I wouldn’t be swayed and continued on my course, this time I licked the bite mark on the tender skin above his cock soothing it. “Claire we should go hmm… mass?” his breathing was coming quick and he made no effort to move me or him this time. “This won’t take long” I murmured against his most delicate skin and he swayed slightly on his feet, whispering something under his breath. I had reached my prize and ran my tongue slow and teasingly down the length of it, Jamie continued muttering and greedily ran his hands over the back of my head.  
His simple expression of need, made my stomach flip and I eagerly took his cock into my mouth, giving him one last look under my eyelashes. Jamie’s head fell back against the wall and he leveraged his hips slightly so as to aid my mouth. He dictated a delightful rhythm with his hands on my the back of my head and I allowed his to lead my movements but opted to make my own choices with my mouth, which seemed to draw profanities from his.  
I continued to move my mouth and tongue slow and languidly over him for a while until his hips started to lurch forward wantonly and he made a groan low deep in this throat, followed by my name, “fuck Claire…god that mouth of yers” his voice was thick with arousal and heat pooled between my legs at my effect on him. I changed my tempo slightly and moved my mouth over him quickly now, grazing my teeth occasionally. Jamie sprang forward from the wall, and growled “Sassenach”, he tried to wrench my mouth away and I knew he was close. I renewed my approach until Jamie forcibly pushed me off him by my shoulders and came into his hand; his breathing was weighty, quickened. “Christ” he muttered eventually as I sat back on my hunches smiling victoriously up at him. He chanced a glance down at me and his head fell back again sighing shakily, “god Claire I had forgotten how good ye were at that!” I snorted into the back of my hand. “I’m here to remind you James Fraser!”

Thirty minutes later and one shared shower, we ruefully slipped into the back of the cathedral near Jamie’s flat, hands entwined and faces glowing from a thorough washing and lustful acts. Jamie made a good choice, the Choir were singing the little drummer boy and all the congregation were on their feet happily joining in.   
I played my drum for Him  
Pa-rum-pum-pum-pum  
I played my best for Him  
Pa-rum-pum-pum-pum  
Rum-pum-pum-pum  
Rum-pum-pum-pum

 

Jamie and I opted to stand near the back, where he kept his arms tight around me, “this was a great idea” I said leaning back to whisper loudly in his ear. Jamie looked down at me thoughtfully before squeezing my hand “I prayed often enough I’d find ye again…I thought it was only right I come back today to say thanks”, the tears that sprang to my eyes this time took me completely by surprise, Jamie bent down quickly and gave me a chaste kiss “I dinna want the priest to throw us out” he said nudging me playfully. We stood there in a blissful cocoon, listening to carols and watching children wriggle excitedly in their parent’s laps.   
Once back at Jamie’s flat, we lit the gas stove and exchanged presents while sipping on a cocktail Jamie had expertly thrown together, the rest of the evening past in idyllic festive rituals, where we curled up and watched Christmas movies, only moving to eat dinner and then slumping back down again bellies and hearts full.  
I couldn’t have hoped for a better Christmas, only improved upon when Jamie tentatively took the drink from my hand and carried me to his bed, where he undressed me leisurely, this time paying great attention to each curve and slope on many body, kissing me from top to toe and loving me until I bowed into him silently screaming his name and he mine.  
It was the call later that tainted what would have been a perfect day; Jamie’s parents had rung late in the evening to wish him a happy Christmas. The phonecall was typical of parents ringing their son on Christmas day, niceties exchanged and the itinerary of the day shared on both sides. Jamie used the word ‘we’ when recounting his day, but it was abundantly clear that the Frasers did not know the ‘we’ included me.


	23. Chapter 23

Thanks to @balfeheughlywed, she gives it to me straight, but still manages to be lovely at the same time.  
Also, thank you to @ladyviolethummingbird for her encouraging words when I really thought I would just quit!  
I have tried to better with punctuation and have made an effort to proofread a couple of times to pick up typos. I do appreciate your comments and asks.

The following morning we woke to a blanket of thick snow all over London. Jamie stood with his arm stretched resting over the sill of his window, describing the scene before him. "We could be snowed in for days Sassenach," he said winking wildly like a big red owl, I lay limp in the bed admiring his bare buttocks and listening drowsily to his account. My legs felt disconnected from my body, and I wasn't entirely sure if they would support me if I attempted to go to the window to look for myself.  
He quickly scurried back into bed, burrowing himself behind my naked back, entangling his cold feet between my calves. We lay there for a while and, Jamie leisurely drew patterns into the back of my hand while planning our breakfast.  
"you won't be hungry if you keep chewing on my ear like that" I scolded sometime later. "It's nibbling Sassenach not chewing, and it's meant to entice ye to do lewd things with me" his hand dipped lower between my bare thighs. "Jamie Fraser I barely have the use of my legs thanks to all the lewd things you did to me throughout the night!" I slapped his hand away indignantly. "You can't possibly expect me to use up any more of my depleted energy supply without feeding me first."  
Jamie gave a resigned sigh "Fine…ye cruel woman", he pushed himself up from the bed, and his phone began to pulse repeatedly on the bedside locker. Jamie glanced down at the screen before silencing it. "Aren't you going to answer that?" I wrapped the sheet around my breasts shuffling up in the bed. Jamie rucked a hand through his hair and stretched. "Nah it's nothing important."  
A sliding ache of anxiety rippled around in my tummy, the same feeling that I got during his phone call from home the night before.  
I had tried to dismiss it; instead, I allowed Jamie to show me without words how he loved me, our bodies moving slowly beneath the sheets of his bed.  
Now the heavyweight of distrust that had weighed down on my chest the night before had returned with abandon.  
I heard the shower run, and I snuck a glance at Jamie's screen.  
One missed call: Da  
Jamie had answered last night because he had little choice, you didn't miss a call from your parents on Christmas day. There wasn't going to be a time when I wasn't going to be in earshot. The phone call was fairly typical of a family ringing their son to wish him a merry Christmas.  
There was a chorus of Happy Christmas on the Fraser side which Jamie reciprocated.  
I had thought it was Ellen's voice I could hear through the mouthpiece when she asked him how his day had been. Jamie's response accurate but lacking in context, "Oh aye…of course I cooked Turkey mam", a laugh on both sides as Ellen told him something about her day. Jamie fiddled with a coaster on the coffee table as he spoke head bent in concentration, I pretended to pay attention to the movie that had been turned down in volume so he could answer the call. Another chuckle and a throaty "aye we went to mass…there is a cathedral across the road". The phone was passed along to his nephew where Jamie's voice changed to a more animated version. He questioning little Jamie about what Santa had brought, Jamie teasing him that he thought Santa would bring coals on account of what he had done to his grandda (a story I didn't know). This went on for a while, and though my head was spinning with the phone conversation in general, my heart warmed just hearing Jamie speak with his nephew. Jenny was next, and a much more colluding conversation took place, Jenny asked the same generic questions, but this time Jamie's response was softer, almost whispering. "Aye Janet it was one of the best," he said smiling through the mouthpiece, a shared secret between the two "aye she is" was uttered. Jamie's ears had gone a little pink at something Jenny said while sneaking a look over at me. I could see him smiling in my peripheral vision as I stared head-on at the tv. "worth every second" he said quietly.  
The call ended after that, at first I tried to shield myself a little from Jamie's gaze or embrace. Not knowing how to feel or process the phone call from home, but as the night wore on Jamie's tentative determination to keep me close, to love me bested the barrier I had erected.  
Now faced with Brian's call I couldn't pretend there wasn't something off about Jamie's interaction with his parents, nor could I pretend it wasn't related to me.  
I jumped suddenly from the bed and scrambled in my bag for clothes. I didn't want to be naked in front of Jamie right now; I needed a buffer of sorts. The idea of being a secret from Jamie's parents hurt, why did he keep it from them? I couldn't think of any logical answer except that they didn't approve of me.  
Since Jamie and I had reunited, he had spoken of his parents often, in terms of when he was in counselling the support they gave him, particularly his Mother, but the more I thought about it, the more I realised he didn't speak of more recent versions of them, as in what they felt about him moving to London. Jenny certainly knew why he came here but did his parents?  
My mind was swirling with possibilities and excuses, I didn't hear Jamie approach, until he wrapped his arms around my waist, kissing the space between my shoulder blades, humming contently into my hair. "Why are ye no naked Claire?" he asked swaying me slightly over and back, I pushed his arms gently down from my waist and turned to look at him. "You know I thought I probably should head home…for a while, anyway, …we have drinks at Gellis's later", I trailed off biting my bottom lip.  
Jamie turned me around to face him "what's happened?" his face etched in concern. "nothing I just can't stay in bed all day…as appealing as it sounds" I shrugged my shoulders and redirected my gaze to the floor, Jamie tilted my chin, so I had to look directly at him "tell me Claire?" his voice firm.  
His face changed from concern to panic, and I couldn't bring myself to ask him the question that was bothering me most. "It's nothing," I said softly attempting a smile. "I just….", Looking around the room at our discarded clothes, memories of the last two days came flooding back, Jamie had shown me he loved me in this apartment, we had two days of relearning, of honesty. Leaving me with no qualms about how he felt, maybe he was waiting until he went home to tell his parents? My mind didn't buy that excuse, but my heart squeezed at the sight of his pleading eyes.  
"I just thought that …well it was only meant to be a second date…I feel like we have been holed up here for a week."  
"dinna go Claire", he said softly, Jamie's brows still furrowed I knew he didn't quite believe my excuse.  
"Ok" this time the smile reached my eyes. Jamie bent to kiss me so tenderly I actually thought my heart would burst. "good" he said a little breathlessly sometime later, before making me naked again, loving the worries away.

 

Gellis had a tradition of hosting a party at her house on Boxing Day each year.  
This year she had a new man to impress, so the text invites dictated ‘fancy formal'. I had no idea which dress code this meant but opted for a fitted teal dress with a scoop neck, my straightened hair piled on top of my head and a pair of very impractical sparkling stilettos, which I could only put on once inside her apartment as they didn't stand a chance in the snow. Jamie wore a white shirt/suit pants combo. He looked like a young James bond his hair styled back slightly with gel, and the top button of his shirt opened giving him an air of sophisticated casualness.  
We arrived fashionably late, having decided on a shared shower to save time which had the reverse effect and delayed us considerably.  
Gellis took our coats hissing "ye are almost an hour late Claire!", I gave her a sheepish shrug and brushed down my dress, she rolled her eyes and glared at Jamie "I am blaming ye fox," Jamie looked quite pleased with his culpability and shot Gellis a dazzling smile while handing her a couple of bottles of wine.

Prosecco and a very expensive looking Italian beer had been stacked in an elaborate display on Gellis's dining table. Grabbing one of each we made our way across the living room to where Rupert stood amongst a gang containing Mary Hawkins, I noticed Mary's eyes widened slightly as we approached and she nudged the girl beside her, oh Christ Sarah.  
This time my stomach didn't clench or my palms sweat; instead, I just slid up beside Rupert and said: "hey there roomie". Rupert on sight of me and clearly in full festive drinking mode growled loudly and lifted me bodily into his arms, "I feel like I havna seen ye for weeks!" he exclaimed loudly, rubbing the top of my head as if I was a well-behaved child. "I missed ye Clairebear," my responding smile and squeeze of his shoulders told him I missed him too, "for god sake man" Jamie hissed "she was not gone that long! ". He was looking around himself self-consciously, mindful that Rupert was making it blindly apparent I hadn't been home.  
"Actually James" Rupert said slurring over the vowels and pointing his index finger into Jamie's face "ye will find it has been two days and one night and she lives with me…so I should ken" he gave a little flourish with his hand and swayed back on his heels slightly. Rupert looked at Jamie now through one eye, his brow furrowed, "Christ man …are ye alright? Ye look like a stag at the end of rutting season", Jamie narrowed his eyes warningly, I, however, had no idea what Rupert meant. "What?" I said scrunching my nose slightly.  
"Jesus, you're clueless," he breathed, rolling his eyes at me. "tis only a stag always looks near death after servicing the doe's, he dinna have time to eat or sleep from it…that's what Jamie looks like", there was a few snorts from beside me and I could see Jamie was about to strangle Rupert. Trying to distract him, I tilted my almost empty glass towards Jamie and said: "would kill for another, please?"  
With Jamie gone it gave me a chance to speak with Rupert, I gave his sleeve a little tug and said "meet me on the veranda. I want to ask you something". Rupert's eyes were glassy, and he didn't look overly interested in what I had to say, but he followed me obediently. Howling as soon as the freezing air hit his lungs, "ach Claire make it quick" he jumped impatiently from foot to foot.  
I couldn't help but remember that I had stood on a similar veranda months before, rage boiling in my belly at Jamie's attempt to establish if I found it difficult being around him. I had responded with a sharp rebuttal telling him I was no longer in love with him. Jamie had spoken of the conversation the night previous, how he wasn't able to go to the gym with Rupert after it, choosing to go home his chest caving in at the idea he had indeed lost me.  
There were many things Jamie had recalled for me from his perspective, so I knew how he was feeling since coming to London or during our time apart, he always led with honesty even when it wasn't the most attractive option.  
That's why I couldn't fathom whatever was happening with his parents why he felt he couldn't talk to me about it, unless of course that it would hurt me.  
Rupert was watching me expectantly, clearing my throat, "Rupert I need to ask something of you?" He narrowed his eyes and burrowed his bottom lip into his chin "is this to do with Jamie, cause I tell ye, I have had a lot to drink, and I dinna think it would be a good idea to ask me for discretion just now."  
I rolled my eyes and sighed "Rupert, please …I need to know something."  
Rupert leaned back up against the wall and folded his arms, "alright go on."  
"Tell me what you knew about Jamie when we were apart?"  
Rupert shook his head at me warningly "Claire I am nay gonna betray the man…he wasna at his best ya ken?"  
"look," I said putting my hand on his arm, "he told me the most of it…I know he got help…I know he was in bad shape…I need to know…I need to have an idea of what his parents saw?"  
Rupert looked at me brows creased in confusion, and let out a weary sigh "I ken ye wouldna ever hurt him with this information?" posed as a question, I found myself thinking he had sobered considerably at the mention of Jamie's past.  
"I promise."  
Rupert let out a big breath and ran a hand over his beard.  
"I went to see him a few times…when he went back to Lallybroch to regroup or get better, whatever ya call it." He finished awkwardly.

I shifted nervously, half dreading Rupert's account.

"He was there but he wasn't there, he was like a fucking ghost." Rupert moved forward and leaned against the rails looking out at the street below covered in snow.

"Ellen and Brian were worried sick…they watched him constantly, afraid to let him out of their sight."

I nodded and leaned my back up against the railing so I could see Rupert's face. 

"I can only imagine," I said quietly.

Rupert cleared his throat and gulped the bottle of beer he was holding. "Aye…it was horrible to see him like that, his eyes were dead…he grieved for Willie of course, but he missed you something chronic…he was a drift sort of…nothing to anchor him." Rupert paused for a minute his beard musingly, "ya know in a way I have a huge amount of respect for him…he never hid it, ya ken some men would be ashamed to say they were heartbroken or they missed their woman…but Jamie didn't, he told me straight out."

"I keep thinking what I would do differently had I known how bad he was…" there was a hard lump forming in my throat, and I didn't want to Rupert to be put off by my tears, he seemed lost in his own thoughts staring out at the sky contemplatively.

"when he phoned me", Rupert began again, "to say he was coming here to London…I dinna ken how to tell ye…I nearly shit myself when he asked me could I find out where ye lived…" he gave me a wry grin.

I squeezed his hand supportively "Knowing now what Jamie went through; I can see why you were so worried about telling him we were roommates."

Rupert nodded and exhaled "YE have no idea." He took another long gulp of his beer.

" the thing is since he found ye here, whatever is happening between ye…it's so good to see him like himself again…"

I must have looked concerned because Rupert continued, "dinna get me wrong he was doing better before coming here…but when I see him around you, he is fucking beaming…the wee fool."

We stood in companionable silence for a while, Rupert playing with the label on his bottle of beer.  
"It took its toll on his Ma and Da ya ken?" he said eventually  
"I'm sure" I turned my head slightly so Rupert couldn't see my expression.  
"Losing Willie and then the worry of Jamie."  
"Did they ever mention me?" I blurted suddenly.  
Rupert shook his head and leaned back while holding onto the railings, " dinna ken how to say this to ye without it wounding ye Claire."  
"I need to know Rupert." My voice quivered, but I held his gaze, giving Rupert time to resolve whatever was going on in his head.  
Eventually, he turned to me and said "Jamie nearly dinna come back the last time…Ellen watched him like that for a year, petrified that she would lose another son." I nodded silently. "Death changes people Claire" his voice was grave, he shook his head and continued. "indiscretions" he started and I raised my eyebrows "ok then unfaithfulness", he clarified, "Well these things don't seem as significant when you are dealing with life and death."  
He pressed his lips into a thin line, "Ellen, saw her son not really wanting to live, grieving over a woman that wouldna tell him where she was, that had left without a word, a woman the family loved as well."  
I knew where he was going but I wasn't sure I wanted to hear, he closed his eyes briefly and said: "Ellen knew I was living with you, I told her eventually."  
"and?" I asked, my mouth suddenly dry.  
Rupert bit the side of his mouth "she told me never to tell Jamie, she hoped he never found ye again."  
"I see," I said folding my arms around my middle defensively, Rupert's eyes were sorrowful, and my eyes were burning in humiliation. "I did say that ye were hurting too, but Jamie is her son…she really dinna see anything beyond him and him hankering for a woman who had left him."

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry this is so long, I didn't want to cut it into two halves in case I didn't get time to post the second.  
> I hope to do one more chp before Christmas, which is a continuation of this night and Christmas day.   
> I really appreciate those of you who leave comments, it is my main motivation for writing fic.
> 
> Happy Christmas all !  
> Jack x


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